Understanding is an interesting term when it comes to dealing with other people. Most of us totally get that before we can build something we must first understand the parts that are needed and how it goes together before jumping into the task (or at least us women do :) . If we’re asked to be on a committee, most of us will at least try to understand what’s expected of us before agreeing to do the job.
When it comes to people however, this is a whole different ball game. We cannot control how others think, what they believe, how they feel, or how they act. What we are told to do, is to try to put ourselves as completely as we can in the other person’s shoes so we can understand where they are coming from…in other words, we empathize. When we do this, however, other problems arise.
For example, if you come from a secure family where you feel loved, appreciated, respected and understood and you’re trying to empathize with a much younger person growing up in an abusive, broken home, how well do you think you’d be able to relate to life in his shoes? The likelihood that you will sympathize instead of empathizing is much greater and feeling sorry for someone never helps them at all.
This is also a place where values can interfere as you might assume that something like honesty, that is important to you, will be equally important to him. That might suggest to you that he would only steal if he was desperate, when in fact he might have been raised to believe stealing is not a bad thing and desperation has nothing to do with it. In this case, you might put yourself in his shoes, feel the desperation and get a totally different picture from what was actually going on for him.
There will always be information you won’t know about when you are trying to truly understand the actions of others. When you take the time to search for this data and really get a complete picture, you are making the effort to understand. Empathizing is an important first step, but it is not enough.
So what do you do?
In Dr. Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he suggests you seek first to understand before you are understood. I believe this is a critical part of truly being understanding. This starts with recognizing that “simple understanding” is actually an oxymoron or contradiction – it will never be easy to truly understand where another person is coming from.
Understanding requires research, and that research must be done with an open-mind and heart. In order to get a true picture of what is going on for that person you must have a willingness and desire to gather the missing pieces—and those can only come from the person involved.
Start by empathizing, as previously discussed, then, use positive communication skills…like active or empathic listening, clarifying questions, and open-door techniques… to help understand what he is saying. Put on your inspector’s cap and objectively start searching for more information. A good inspector will keep an open-mind and leave his emotions out of the conversation. Helpful conversation starters might be the following:
· Help me understand what was going on for you when this happened.
· I really want to understand how this happened. Can you help me do that?
· I’m willing to help you deal with this situation, but I’m going to need more information to really understand it first…can you help with that?
The voice you use, your body language and your previous history with the person are all going to factor in to how quickly and easily he feels safe enough to share. Patience and open-mindedness are going to be extremely important during this time.
If you’re feeling emotional before the conversation begins, it’s a good idea to ask for time before talking since it’s quite likely you’ll head in to the talk ready to fight (or defend). This happens because you are taking things personally and while this is a very human thing to do, it will not help the situation.
When you are in the conversation, be as neutral as you can while hearing this person’s story and be sure your body language reflects the same. Try hard not to judge and to really hear what he has to say.
When you feel you understand his side of the story and have reflected that back to him as best you can, it’s time to share your side of the picture. At that point the goal is to work towards solution, and if you have done a good job of understanding this will often be the easy part.
According to The Virtues Project™, “understanding is the power to think and learn and also care”. Coming from a place of compassion without prior judgment, especially when you feel hurt, angry or embarrassed is never easy. It is, however, a building block to strong relationships and that is always worth the effort.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Learning to Get Past Awkwardness
Any time we try learning something new we are faced with a sense of awkwardness. This in itself is not a problem as there is a natural cycle involved in learning new things and awkwardness is step one of that cycle. What is a problem however is the fact that this awkwardness often opens the door for what I call the Big 5, which makes learning harder and increases our chance of quitting before moving out of the awkward stage.
The Big 5 refer to the following:
- Self-doubt – wondering if we are doing it right, feeling like we are the only one who doesn’t get it, sure people will ridicule us for not knowing something “obvious”.
- Uncertainty – this type of uncertainty is when we are not sure if we are good enough, questioning if we have what it takes to really succeed or if maybe we are just fooling ourselves by trying.
- Worry – wondering if our behaviour and inability to do things well might hurt other people, like our kids, our spouses, our clients…as well as worry that we might never get it, that we are one of the few who are destined to fail.
- Fear – this is really the underlying factor for all of the above; fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of ridicule. A main problem with fear is it resides in the very same place as trust so the two cannot comfortably co-exist. Trust is exactly what you need to get past fear, but fear is pretty pushy.
- Guilt – this feeling arises as a result of all the others; if only I was better, smarter, quicker…if only I had tried harder…if only I had more patience…
The problem with the Big 5 is that they are drainers. They are often an “all or nothing deal” that strive to take our full attention when they are around. They rob energy from us and make it impossible for us to do our best work. This means that right when we are trying to learn something new and should be cutting ourselves some extra slack, these things interfere and make us less capable and less understanding.
They also like to awaken their friends—inner critic and limiting beliefs. The inner critic is the voice that plays in your head and reminds you of all your “apparent” shortcomings, while your limiting beliefs are ideas you have inherited and think you must follow to be safe. Both of these things get in the way, protecting you from really growing and reaching your potential.
An interesting thing about the Big 5 is that unlike the natural cycle of learning, they are a human-made product. They are not a natural part of learning, but a by-product of a society that judges people on what they do or don’t do well. This type of society points fingers of blame when things go wrong causing people to shirk responsibility for their actions and minimize or justify their mistakes. It is one where criticism and comparison are the norm causing people to feel that if they don’t measure up to society standards they are failures.
I bring this up because it’s important for all of us to recognize that the Big 5 are not a natural part of our world, but one we have created. Blaming society will not do anything except increase the problem we already have. Awareness is the key. If people are aware of the Big 5 they can begin to take steps to rid themselves of these draining energies – or at the very least know these feelings come in through a doorway only they can close.
When we refuse to allow these feelings to determine our actions and learn ways to stop them in their tracks, we are putting ourselves in the driver’s seat of our lives and are ready to really benefit from all that we learn.
Learning something will always be awkward, but with practice and determination will eventually lead to authentic and even automatic behaviour. With the Big 5 getting in our way, our learning struggles to even get off the ground.
Which one do you think offers a better journey?
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Responsible Kids; Deciding When to Pass the Torch
When our children are young we make a lot of decisions for them. What they can eat, when they should sleep, how long they should stay outside, how much TV or video time they can handle and so on. We also create rules and limitations about certain behaviours in an effort to keep our kids safe. Making these decisions and getting our kids to do what we decide is not always easy, but most of us recognize it as an important part of our job.
The theory is that as our kids grow our restrictions and limitations will start to ease off, and our kids will be allowed to make more of their own decisions. They’ll do this based on the guidance we have given them along with their own ability to think through consequences and possible dangers.
If we succeed with this task we will raise happy, well-adjusted, independent thinkers who, by the time they are adults, will be ready to make good, informed, decisions and contribute to society in a healthy way.
As with most theories, things do not always work out this way.
For one thing, deciding when our kids are mature enough to try riskier behaviours is really tough. Things like; filling their own glass, playing unsupervised, being alone in the bathroom, lighting a candle, cutting with a sharp knife, or pouring hot liquids, just to name a few. There are no obvious markers telling us when our kids are ready to do these things without starting a major fire, getting into something dangerous or cutting off their fingers.
Additionally, if we allow our kids a chance to try these things and an accident occurs… many of us feel responsible for misjudging our child’s ability and putting him in dangers way. If there’s a hospital visit involved we’re often embarrassed or afraid that someone will mark us as an unfit parent. Even when it’s something we can handle at home, we are often hit with self-doubt and start second guessing our ability to do this job. As a result, after an accident such as this, many parents are hesitant to allow their child another chance to take a risk.
Yet, when you think about it, even adults have accidents. We leave elements on, slice our fingers, fall down stairs, burn ourselves and so on. This means if we are waiting until our kids are definitely ready with no risk of accident, we might be doing this job forever.
I am a strong believer that to teach people how to do things for themselves we have to give them opportunities to practice—make mistakes—and grow from those situations. I do not believe a certain age will suddenly equal ability or create an interest in something they might not have been mature enough to handle the day before.
For example, where I live children are not allowed to be left alone until they are twelve years old. Interestingly at twelve they are also assumed capable of looking after other—younger children (there are some exceptions for siblings). Does this make sense? If you can’t be left on your own when you are eleven and the next day you turn twelve, how do you suddenly know how to look after yourself… never mind kids younger than you?
Of course with proper leadership and practice a child can be more than ready on their twelfth birthday to take on this responsibility (some are fully capable at ten!), but it is not turning twelve that made that happen. The same is true for working with a stove top, lighting a fire, cutting up food with sharp knives, etc.
Knowing when and how to pass our child the torch is something every parent will eventually face. There is no simple answer as every family situation is a little different and therefore unique to the people involved.
There are a few things that will definitely make the process easier, like;
· allowing kids to make realistic choices from a young age
· role modeling safe practices
· explaining dangers in language appropriate terms
· allowing lots of supervised practice
It is also helpful to build strong relationships based on mutual respect so our kids won’t fear telling us when they make a mistake. This allows them to come to us when the knife has slipped rather than trying to staunch their bleeding thumb on their own.
In the end, we as parents have to make these decisions on an individual basis. Some kids will seem ready to accept the torch earlier than the “socially acceptable” age. Other’s will take much longer and might always appear at risk of starting fires along the way. In both cases, there are never any guarantees that mistakes will not be made.
There is a lot of benefit to letting your child know that he can handle anything and if he is not ready now to use the stove (knife, pour hot liquid…) on his own, you have no doubt with practice he will get there. This, of course, is what life is all about.
We make mistakes even as adults… and as it turns out, it’s this fear of making the wrong decision and messing up that causes many of us to fail to pass the torch in the first place.
The theory is that as our kids grow our restrictions and limitations will start to ease off, and our kids will be allowed to make more of their own decisions. They’ll do this based on the guidance we have given them along with their own ability to think through consequences and possible dangers.
If we succeed with this task we will raise happy, well-adjusted, independent thinkers who, by the time they are adults, will be ready to make good, informed, decisions and contribute to society in a healthy way.
As with most theories, things do not always work out this way.
For one thing, deciding when our kids are mature enough to try riskier behaviours is really tough. Things like; filling their own glass, playing unsupervised, being alone in the bathroom, lighting a candle, cutting with a sharp knife, or pouring hot liquids, just to name a few. There are no obvious markers telling us when our kids are ready to do these things without starting a major fire, getting into something dangerous or cutting off their fingers.
Additionally, if we allow our kids a chance to try these things and an accident occurs… many of us feel responsible for misjudging our child’s ability and putting him in dangers way. If there’s a hospital visit involved we’re often embarrassed or afraid that someone will mark us as an unfit parent. Even when it’s something we can handle at home, we are often hit with self-doubt and start second guessing our ability to do this job. As a result, after an accident such as this, many parents are hesitant to allow their child another chance to take a risk.
Yet, when you think about it, even adults have accidents. We leave elements on, slice our fingers, fall down stairs, burn ourselves and so on. This means if we are waiting until our kids are definitely ready with no risk of accident, we might be doing this job forever.
I am a strong believer that to teach people how to do things for themselves we have to give them opportunities to practice—make mistakes—and grow from those situations. I do not believe a certain age will suddenly equal ability or create an interest in something they might not have been mature enough to handle the day before.
For example, where I live children are not allowed to be left alone until they are twelve years old. Interestingly at twelve they are also assumed capable of looking after other—younger children (there are some exceptions for siblings). Does this make sense? If you can’t be left on your own when you are eleven and the next day you turn twelve, how do you suddenly know how to look after yourself… never mind kids younger than you?
Of course with proper leadership and practice a child can be more than ready on their twelfth birthday to take on this responsibility (some are fully capable at ten!), but it is not turning twelve that made that happen. The same is true for working with a stove top, lighting a fire, cutting up food with sharp knives, etc.
Knowing when and how to pass our child the torch is something every parent will eventually face. There is no simple answer as every family situation is a little different and therefore unique to the people involved.
There are a few things that will definitely make the process easier, like;
· allowing kids to make realistic choices from a young age
· role modeling safe practices
· explaining dangers in language appropriate terms
· allowing lots of supervised practice
It is also helpful to build strong relationships based on mutual respect so our kids won’t fear telling us when they make a mistake. This allows them to come to us when the knife has slipped rather than trying to staunch their bleeding thumb on their own.
In the end, we as parents have to make these decisions on an individual basis. Some kids will seem ready to accept the torch earlier than the “socially acceptable” age. Other’s will take much longer and might always appear at risk of starting fires along the way. In both cases, there are never any guarantees that mistakes will not be made.
There is a lot of benefit to letting your child know that he can handle anything and if he is not ready now to use the stove (knife, pour hot liquid…) on his own, you have no doubt with practice he will get there. This, of course, is what life is all about.
We make mistakes even as adults… and as it turns out, it’s this fear of making the wrong decision and messing up that causes many of us to fail to pass the torch in the first place.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Becoming Aware of Life-Changing Moments
Have you ever noticed when some people (often famous) talk about the things in their lives that shaped them or made them who they are today, it is often done with great reverence and respect for what the experience taught them? Sometimes, the situation they are describing is quite horrific making us wonder how they survived much less managed to forgive and move on.
Yet, these people are not resentful, angry or otherwise bothered by the situation life threw their way. In fact, often they publically recognize that it was those horrific circumstances that helped them become the person they are today and in the end they are thankful for it!
Thinking about your own experiences, what kinds of things shaped you into the person you are today? What situations in your past forced you to grow and changed you forever as a person? Was it all the wonderful breaks you were given, the silver spoon or other lifts up you received throughout life? My guess is it was not.
Most often it is the challenging situations, humiliation, traumas, toxic or dangerous relationships that actually help us grow the most. The trick with this growth seems to be our ability to move past the emotion and allow the learning to take place. This means putting aside the bitterness, resentment, hurt or desire for justice and focusing instead on how we can heal.
If we can taste bitterness when we share our story, or feel waves of regret about how we wish it had turned out, we are still holding strong to the emotion of the experience and not allowing personal growth to occur. It’s like we are jabbing a fish hook and line into the cheek of the story every time we pull it up, leaving us with a secure tie to the feelings and many frustrations as to why we can’t let go and move on.
The truth is, the “famous” person, is often well known because he or she has dealt with major challenges and despite the odds overcome them. Of course, not all people who overcome their challenges will be (or even want to be) famous, but these kinds of stories do fascinate us and with social media the way it is, these stories of resiliency can get press time mighty fast.
So I challenge all of us (myself included) to remember this the next time a challenging situation comes our way and do what we can to take the learning and move on. If you want to give this a try here are a few things to keep in mind:
- Challenges, traumas, and bad experiences are opportunities for growth spurts in life. Personal development is on-going, but without problems we’d likely never willingly take them on.
- Trying to “save” others from making the same or similar mistakes to what we experienced is not helping them grow, but quite possibly stifling their growth. One of my favorite quotes (although I’m not sure who wrote it) seems very fitting here… “A ship is safe at harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.”
- When we can recognize the learning in any experience we have had and focus on it instead of the aggravating emotion that brought it to our awareness (i.e. hurt, resentment, jealousy…), we can reap the benefit of the experience and begin growing. This might mean changing our way of thinking from blaming those involved to actually thanking them for bringing this opportunity into our life.
- Although we are all here together and definitely draw strength from our relationships with others, every person’s journey is unique. There is no “one size fits all” answer to any challenge we might be facing. While looking outside of ourselves might give us insight and guidance into directions that will help us, the key to moving forwards will always come from within. In other words, you are the expert in your own life—dig deep and look for the answers that truly resonate for you.
In closing, if you want to really cash in on the personal development opportunities that come your way, accept who you are, embrace life’s challenges as opportunities for personal growth, and let go of any strong, negative emotions you’ve attached to the experience. Sounds simple…but fish hooks aren’t always easy to remove and depending on the number it can take a lot of time, patience and self forgiveness.
Debbie Pokornik is the Chief Empowerment Officer for Empowering NRG and the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures; Embrace Your Natural Guidance. She believes personal development is key to unlocking life’s little treasures and when people are ready the rewards are great. For more info check out http://www.empoweringnrg.com
Monday, September 20, 2010
5 Parenting Myths That Increase Stress and Decrease Performance
Myth #1 – Parenting is natural.
Actually becoming a parent is usually a natural act, our bodies are made to do this task and unless there is something interfering with that happening, we can become pregnant without knowing anything about the process. Parenting, however, is not natural but a learned ability that can be wonderful and baffling at the same time. The areas we need to grow in will be unique to each of us making this experience different from everyone else. If we believe parenting is natural, it becomes very hard to understand why we are so challenged by it.
Myth #2 – I am the only person who struggles with parenting.
This is a myth that is so wide spread and fully believed that it can be challenging to find people who will openly talk about it. Nobody wants to admit they are struggling with a task that has been done for eons—in some cases by people with an obvious lack of skills and ability. It often looks easy from the outside which can make us think no one else is struggling like we are. Everyone who cares about being a parent will struggle with some aspect of parenting. This job is all about growth and growth always requires adjustment and learning. The majority of parents will admit (sometimes only in private) that there are some pieces of parenting they just don’t know how to handle.
Myth #3 – Once a parenting tool is learned it will work effectively for many years and with every child.
It would be wonderful if this was the case, but unfortunately our parenting pack needs to grow with our kids and our own personal development. Barbara Coloroso says “A tool known is a tool blown,” meaning that once our kids figure out how or why a tool works it actually loses its effectiveness. When our kids present with a challenging behaviour we typically try the tools we already know to see if one of them will work effectively with the situation. If it does, we use it a few times until either the child stops the behaviour (an effective tool will always result in a positive change, although it can take a few tries as our child checks for consistency) or the tool stops working. When the tool “wears out” many parents will simply increase the threat level that comes with this used up tool rather than switch to a new one. Being a parent requires us to have many different tools in our parenting pack so we can use different tools with different kids and in different situations.
Myth #4 – If a parenting tool is any good it will work right away and feel comfortable right from the start.
Developing a new skill—no matter how simple it might seem—will always be hard for us to do. Change is never an easy thing and learning new skills takes practice. As with any personal development that we do, newly acquired parenting skills and strategies will usually be awkward for the first while and feel foreign to the user. To make matters even worse this new skill goes from feeling awkward to feeling fake, before it moves on to a level of comfort. The results might still be positive…it’s just the feeling we have when we try something new that makes it feel strange. As a result, most new tools are discarded—not because they didn’t work, but because they feel awkward to use.
Myth #5 – Once a challenging behaviour has been corrected it will be smooth sailing for the rest of our parenting experience.
Since parenting is really all about personal development—and there seems to be no end to that in our lifetime—we should know that our kids will always present us with something new to deal with. This isn’t because they are bad people or because we are lacking as a parent, but more because growth, in the parenting experience, is constant. As our kids mature their needs change and so do the challenges.
A very concrete example might be buying our kids runners. When they are young they might grow so fast they hardly even scuff the shoe bottoms before it’s time to pass them on. The result—we need to buy them new runners before we are ready. When their feet finally stop growing they might wear their runners out in a week of skate-boarding, outdoor winter wear or other “tough” activities. The result—we need to buy new runners before we are ready. Although the first problem was resolved, the result is still a need for new shoes. In other situations it will be the result that is different—like his feet finally stop growing and now he’s become picky about the rest of his clothing. This concept applies to far more than physical growth as our kids test out respect, communication skills, personal boundaries, etc,. The result—us parents are left wondering if these challenging behaviours will ever end and perhaps even questioning our ability to parent.
When you take all of the above myths and believe them, it causes plenty of uncertainty, self-doubt, worry, fear and guilt. These feelings make it hard for us to function and do our best work. Understanding that these are just myths…they are make-believe and do not match the reality of parenting at all…can help us decrease stress and increase our performance as parents. Parenting is not about being perfect—it is about unconditional love, for both our children and our selves!
Debbie Pokornik is the Chief Empowerment Officer of Empowering NRG. She is the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures and believes all parents can use support at some point in their parenting experience. For other great parenting tips or to book Debbie for keynotes/workshops, go to http://empoweringnrg.com
Actually becoming a parent is usually a natural act, our bodies are made to do this task and unless there is something interfering with that happening, we can become pregnant without knowing anything about the process. Parenting, however, is not natural but a learned ability that can be wonderful and baffling at the same time. The areas we need to grow in will be unique to each of us making this experience different from everyone else. If we believe parenting is natural, it becomes very hard to understand why we are so challenged by it.
Myth #2 – I am the only person who struggles with parenting.
This is a myth that is so wide spread and fully believed that it can be challenging to find people who will openly talk about it. Nobody wants to admit they are struggling with a task that has been done for eons—in some cases by people with an obvious lack of skills and ability. It often looks easy from the outside which can make us think no one else is struggling like we are. Everyone who cares about being a parent will struggle with some aspect of parenting. This job is all about growth and growth always requires adjustment and learning. The majority of parents will admit (sometimes only in private) that there are some pieces of parenting they just don’t know how to handle.
Myth #3 – Once a parenting tool is learned it will work effectively for many years and with every child.
It would be wonderful if this was the case, but unfortunately our parenting pack needs to grow with our kids and our own personal development. Barbara Coloroso says “A tool known is a tool blown,” meaning that once our kids figure out how or why a tool works it actually loses its effectiveness. When our kids present with a challenging behaviour we typically try the tools we already know to see if one of them will work effectively with the situation. If it does, we use it a few times until either the child stops the behaviour (an effective tool will always result in a positive change, although it can take a few tries as our child checks for consistency) or the tool stops working. When the tool “wears out” many parents will simply increase the threat level that comes with this used up tool rather than switch to a new one. Being a parent requires us to have many different tools in our parenting pack so we can use different tools with different kids and in different situations.
Myth #4 – If a parenting tool is any good it will work right away and feel comfortable right from the start.
Developing a new skill—no matter how simple it might seem—will always be hard for us to do. Change is never an easy thing and learning new skills takes practice. As with any personal development that we do, newly acquired parenting skills and strategies will usually be awkward for the first while and feel foreign to the user. To make matters even worse this new skill goes from feeling awkward to feeling fake, before it moves on to a level of comfort. The results might still be positive…it’s just the feeling we have when we try something new that makes it feel strange. As a result, most new tools are discarded—not because they didn’t work, but because they feel awkward to use.
Myth #5 – Once a challenging behaviour has been corrected it will be smooth sailing for the rest of our parenting experience.
Since parenting is really all about personal development—and there seems to be no end to that in our lifetime—we should know that our kids will always present us with something new to deal with. This isn’t because they are bad people or because we are lacking as a parent, but more because growth, in the parenting experience, is constant. As our kids mature their needs change and so do the challenges.
A very concrete example might be buying our kids runners. When they are young they might grow so fast they hardly even scuff the shoe bottoms before it’s time to pass them on. The result—we need to buy them new runners before we are ready. When their feet finally stop growing they might wear their runners out in a week of skate-boarding, outdoor winter wear or other “tough” activities. The result—we need to buy new runners before we are ready. Although the first problem was resolved, the result is still a need for new shoes. In other situations it will be the result that is different—like his feet finally stop growing and now he’s become picky about the rest of his clothing. This concept applies to far more than physical growth as our kids test out respect, communication skills, personal boundaries, etc,. The result—us parents are left wondering if these challenging behaviours will ever end and perhaps even questioning our ability to parent.
When you take all of the above myths and believe them, it causes plenty of uncertainty, self-doubt, worry, fear and guilt. These feelings make it hard for us to function and do our best work. Understanding that these are just myths…they are make-believe and do not match the reality of parenting at all…can help us decrease stress and increase our performance as parents. Parenting is not about being perfect—it is about unconditional love, for both our children and our selves!
Debbie Pokornik is the Chief Empowerment Officer of Empowering NRG. She is the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures and believes all parents can use support at some point in their parenting experience. For other great parenting tips or to book Debbie for keynotes/workshops, go to http://empoweringnrg.com
Monday, September 13, 2010
Is it the Dog Whisperer or the Kid Whisperer?
The Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan never fails to remind me of how qualities, skills and behaviours important to being a good dog owner, overlap with those that will help us be effective as parents.
Here are just five of the beautiful parallels I’ve picked up from Cesar’s show:
1) Use calm, assertive energy. People and animals pick up on our energy and react accordingly. If you are pretending to be happy, when inside you are seething or fearful you are not fooling anyone. Calm assertive energy is not weak, nor threatening. It tells the other you mean business and are fully in control of yourself. When our child’s emotions are escalating and we start getting riled up as well, we make the situation much worse than it needs to be.
2) Establish who’s boss. I can feel the hackles going up on some people when they read these words, but hear me out. With dogs this means letting the dog know you are in charge and ultimately they need to live by your rules. You are Alpha and to be in your pack they must accept this. With kids it is only slightly different. When our kids are little they do need to recognize us as boss and when it comes to things like safety, we need them to obey. The difference is with kids we are “grooming” them to eventually take over the boss position in their own lives, which means in many situations it is not imperative that we win. Choose your battles wisely and teach your child to stand up for her own beliefs in an assertive way, while still respecting and understanding authority.
3) Use a clear, consistent message. Figure out your main rules, teach them and enforce them. If the rule is “No going in the pool without permission”, and your water loving dog is jumping in uninvited at any given opportunity, Cesar suggests you teach him he must wait for your permission to enter. Correct him every time he tries to go in on his own so he learns to watch you before going in. With children it is essential we teach them what our rules are and then consistently enforce them. If it’s not important enough to enforce, do NOT have it as a rule. Your young child might not understand why she can’t go in the pool when you’re not around, but she needs to know it is important she not do so.
4) Plan for success. Cesar talks about taking the time to exercise, feed and share affection with your dog – twice daily, but especially – before taking him to something stressful or new. This way you are dealing with a relaxed, content dog instead of one filled with intense energy. Again with kids this is good practice as a child filled with excited energy is going to struggle with sitting still at the doctor’s office, their sibling’s concert, or a restaurant. Just like with our dog, our child’s body language can tell us much about what might be about to come. Preventing our child’s blow-out by having toys, snacks and other attention grabbers available can make the difference between an enjoyable evening and one that ends in tears.
5) Work in the present. This is one of Cesar’s most powerful messages (in my opinion) – a dog does not benefit by people dwelling on the awfulness he might have experienced in his past. We hurt him more by feeling sorry for him, expecting less of him and coddling him because of previous injury or trauma. Focus on the present and believe in the kind of dog he instinctually is. The same is true with people. People do not get stronger when we feel sorry for them and dwell on the things they’ve been through. This doesn’t mean we can’t hug a hurt child, or console a newly broken-up teen, but it does mean if we see her as wounded or to teach her to blame others for her situation we will not help her embrace her inner power and be strengthened. Teach your kids to take only the teachings from the past and then embrace their power in the present.
In closing, there are definitely areas of dog rearing that are going to differ from raising children. We would not, for example, wrestle our kids into the submissive position on the ground, tie a leash around their necks or stick tennis racquets in their mouths to stop biting. But with a little bit of good sense anyone can see there are plenty of positive parallels for us to learn from.
Relationships are built on things like respect, communication, consistency, trust, acceptance, etc., and it appears this is true whether we are dealing with a dog or a child. So if you’re not sure about your ability as a parent, take a look at your dog…perhaps there are some lessons there you can learn from.
Note: This article expresses the understanding of the author and not necessary that of Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer.
Debbie Pokornik is the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures; Embrace Your Natural Guidance and helps people embrace their personal power in all aspects of life. More information can be found at http://www.empoweringnrg.com/ . She is an avid fan of Cesar Millan and puts a lot of positive energy into being the Alpha with her dog and her kids.
Here are just five of the beautiful parallels I’ve picked up from Cesar’s show:
1) Use calm, assertive energy. People and animals pick up on our energy and react accordingly. If you are pretending to be happy, when inside you are seething or fearful you are not fooling anyone. Calm assertive energy is not weak, nor threatening. It tells the other you mean business and are fully in control of yourself. When our child’s emotions are escalating and we start getting riled up as well, we make the situation much worse than it needs to be.
2) Establish who’s boss. I can feel the hackles going up on some people when they read these words, but hear me out. With dogs this means letting the dog know you are in charge and ultimately they need to live by your rules. You are Alpha and to be in your pack they must accept this. With kids it is only slightly different. When our kids are little they do need to recognize us as boss and when it comes to things like safety, we need them to obey. The difference is with kids we are “grooming” them to eventually take over the boss position in their own lives, which means in many situations it is not imperative that we win. Choose your battles wisely and teach your child to stand up for her own beliefs in an assertive way, while still respecting and understanding authority.
3) Use a clear, consistent message. Figure out your main rules, teach them and enforce them. If the rule is “No going in the pool without permission”, and your water loving dog is jumping in uninvited at any given opportunity, Cesar suggests you teach him he must wait for your permission to enter. Correct him every time he tries to go in on his own so he learns to watch you before going in. With children it is essential we teach them what our rules are and then consistently enforce them. If it’s not important enough to enforce, do NOT have it as a rule. Your young child might not understand why she can’t go in the pool when you’re not around, but she needs to know it is important she not do so.
4) Plan for success. Cesar talks about taking the time to exercise, feed and share affection with your dog – twice daily, but especially – before taking him to something stressful or new. This way you are dealing with a relaxed, content dog instead of one filled with intense energy. Again with kids this is good practice as a child filled with excited energy is going to struggle with sitting still at the doctor’s office, their sibling’s concert, or a restaurant. Just like with our dog, our child’s body language can tell us much about what might be about to come. Preventing our child’s blow-out by having toys, snacks and other attention grabbers available can make the difference between an enjoyable evening and one that ends in tears.
5) Work in the present. This is one of Cesar’s most powerful messages (in my opinion) – a dog does not benefit by people dwelling on the awfulness he might have experienced in his past. We hurt him more by feeling sorry for him, expecting less of him and coddling him because of previous injury or trauma. Focus on the present and believe in the kind of dog he instinctually is. The same is true with people. People do not get stronger when we feel sorry for them and dwell on the things they’ve been through. This doesn’t mean we can’t hug a hurt child, or console a newly broken-up teen, but it does mean if we see her as wounded or to teach her to blame others for her situation we will not help her embrace her inner power and be strengthened. Teach your kids to take only the teachings from the past and then embrace their power in the present.
In closing, there are definitely areas of dog rearing that are going to differ from raising children. We would not, for example, wrestle our kids into the submissive position on the ground, tie a leash around their necks or stick tennis racquets in their mouths to stop biting. But with a little bit of good sense anyone can see there are plenty of positive parallels for us to learn from.
Relationships are built on things like respect, communication, consistency, trust, acceptance, etc., and it appears this is true whether we are dealing with a dog or a child. So if you’re not sure about your ability as a parent, take a look at your dog…perhaps there are some lessons there you can learn from.
Note: This article expresses the understanding of the author and not necessary that of Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer.
Debbie Pokornik is the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures; Embrace Your Natural Guidance and helps people embrace their personal power in all aspects of life. More information can be found at http://www.empoweringnrg.com/ . She is an avid fan of Cesar Millan and puts a lot of positive energy into being the Alpha with her dog and her kids.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Guilty as Charged
If our feelings are signals meant to guide us in life, then guilt is a fantastic guide to tie into. It is one of those feelings that will shoot through us the moment we’ve ‘done something wrong’ and will easily be fed from our resulting thoughts and actions.
In my book Break Free of Parenting Pressures I mention that you can’t send someone on a guilt trip unless their bags are already packed. I hate to say it my bags seem to be packed and ready to go at a moments notice.
A trick I have found over the years to help me stand my ground is to ask myself where my guilt is coming from and then use that information to determine what action could arise as a result. For example, when I feel guilty for snapping at one of my kids, I might ask myself the following: Am I feeling guilty because I spoke harshly and hurt my son’s feelings when he didn’t deserve it? Is it because I said “No” to something that probably could have been a yes? Is it because I just gave a talk on using self-control and I was being a hypocrite by losing mine?
Figuring out what the answer is helps to guide me on where I should go next. If I spoke harshly and hurt feelings, my action might be to apologize to my son and perhaps explain why I behaved the way I did. I don’t do this as an attempt to excuse my behaviour or to change my mind about whatever he was asking for, but more to provide a learning opportunity for both of us. My apology is genuine.
If my guilt came from recognizing that my “No” was premature, I might apologize for snapping and reopen the conversation for discussion. When this happens I love to tell my child he has a second chance to “convince me” rather than just changing my answer to a “Yes”.
On the other hand if these feelings came about because I behaved like a hypocrite I usually need to go inside and look at what I said, how I truly behaved (there is a big difference between snapping at a person and losing self-control) and what this means for the information I’m sharing. Are my expectations unrealistic? Am I being too hard on myself? Is there a teaching point in this I can use in my next talk? Are any apologies necessary (to my son, to myself, to my audience)?
The point from all of this is that rather than feeling the guilt and then beating myself up over how badly I behaved, how I’ve damaged my child for life, or how unworthy I feel of calling myself a Parent Educator, etc, I use this feeling to guide me towards an action that will help me repair damage and grow from the experience. By doing this I feel I am taking this feeling and using it as the signal it was always intended to be rather than heading on the guilt trip my packed bags were ready to take me on.
In my book Break Free of Parenting Pressures I mention that you can’t send someone on a guilt trip unless their bags are already packed. I hate to say it my bags seem to be packed and ready to go at a moments notice.
A trick I have found over the years to help me stand my ground is to ask myself where my guilt is coming from and then use that information to determine what action could arise as a result. For example, when I feel guilty for snapping at one of my kids, I might ask myself the following: Am I feeling guilty because I spoke harshly and hurt my son’s feelings when he didn’t deserve it? Is it because I said “No” to something that probably could have been a yes? Is it because I just gave a talk on using self-control and I was being a hypocrite by losing mine?
Figuring out what the answer is helps to guide me on where I should go next. If I spoke harshly and hurt feelings, my action might be to apologize to my son and perhaps explain why I behaved the way I did. I don’t do this as an attempt to excuse my behaviour or to change my mind about whatever he was asking for, but more to provide a learning opportunity for both of us. My apology is genuine.
If my guilt came from recognizing that my “No” was premature, I might apologize for snapping and reopen the conversation for discussion. When this happens I love to tell my child he has a second chance to “convince me” rather than just changing my answer to a “Yes”.
On the other hand if these feelings came about because I behaved like a hypocrite I usually need to go inside and look at what I said, how I truly behaved (there is a big difference between snapping at a person and losing self-control) and what this means for the information I’m sharing. Are my expectations unrealistic? Am I being too hard on myself? Is there a teaching point in this I can use in my next talk? Are any apologies necessary (to my son, to myself, to my audience)?
The point from all of this is that rather than feeling the guilt and then beating myself up over how badly I behaved, how I’ve damaged my child for life, or how unworthy I feel of calling myself a Parent Educator, etc, I use this feeling to guide me towards an action that will help me repair damage and grow from the experience. By doing this I feel I am taking this feeling and using it as the signal it was always intended to be rather than heading on the guilt trip my packed bags were ready to take me on.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Building Relationships, 5 Strategies for Building Strong Relationships and Information to Help You Avoid Relationship Pitfalls
Relationships are a key part of the human experience. How we interact with others influences the kind of relationships we build and how capable we feel as a person. Here are 5 strategies to help you focus on building strong relationships that last a life-time:
1. Talk openly about how you feel when the other person says or does something that arouses strong feelings. This applies to both good and bad feelings as relationships flourish when we share the things we like and unhealthy tension can be released when we share the things we don’t like. When done properly, talking openly about feelings helps our relationships to grow and provides us with opportunities to practice positive communication.
I often suggest people think in terms of “I statements” even if they aren’t comfortable actually using them yet. To think in I statements focus on what you are feeling and why.
i.e. “I feel disrespected (or hurt, angry, unimportant…) when I’m interrupted.” or “It hurts my feelings when I’m cut off in mid-sentence.”
Did you know: Starting statements with the pronoun You or demanding an answer with Why, make people more likely to go on the defensive and less likely to care how it made you feel? i.e. “You’re always interrupting me…why can’t you just listen!” or “Why do you always do that? I hate it when you interrupt!” Our goal is to share information, not blame the other or provoke a fight.
2. Look for the positives in the other person and make a point of sharing what you see. This can be easier said then done, as it is often the negative things that jump out at us. With practice, however, it becomes easier and when done on a regular basis helps everyone involved. When you point out the positives in another you strengthen your bond with that person and build a positive outlook for yourself. That makes you feel good and contributes to the self-esteem of the person you are complimenting. This results in more leeway when relationship problem arise, because the relationship is stronger and able to handle the stress.
i.e. “I love your sense of humor…you’re so creative.” or “I feel so relaxed around you – you’re so calm and sure of yourself.”
When a relationship has been going on for a while or when we are parenting/teaching, it becomes very easy to pick out the things that irritate us and point those out instead. If you can make it a habit to point out two positives for every correction, or critical comment you make, your relationship will still move in a positive direction.
Did you know: When we give in to our desire to point out the faults of others, and see changes in their behaviour, it’s usually because we have activated their internal critic? This is that little voice in their head that makes them second guess themselves and feel unworthy or undeserving of whatever good things life throws their way. In many relationships we are feeding the other person’s internal critic as we speak!
3. Accept other people for who they are without trying to mold them into the people you wish they could be. This is a tough one for many of us. It is often easier as an outsider looking in, to see where a person needs to personally develop (at least in our opinion). People will develop where they need to when they are ready…and not a moment sooner. If we can recognize this and allow them to grow at their own pace we are accepting them for who they are at that moment in time.
This is not the same as excusing inappropriate behaviours, or giving up on a person as if he is never going to change. By allowing him to be true to himself you actually help him recognize when changes are required. When the person you are dealing with is your child, be there to guide and set boundaries, but accept her just as she is.
Did you know: In almost every case, a person who is forced to change in order to be liked or accepted by another will change back when stressed? When people stay in a relationship because they are in love with who that person could one day become, they are likely to be very disappointed. People will only truly change when they believe that they need to!
4. Take the time to have fun in all of your relationships. Whether it is a smile shared with a colleague, a laugh with the neighbor, playing with your child or talking with your partner…all of these things build relationship and help us feel stronger. Once again this sounds easy to do, but often it is not. The stress we feel from a health concern, the worry we have about our child’s daycare, the disappointment we experience when we don’t get the job—all drain our energy making it hard for us to create quality moments with the people around us. As the tension mounts the more serious we become and the less effort we put into having fun. Laughter, story telling, and having caring conversation are just a few of the things that help to release that tension and replenishes our energy reserves.
Did you know: Although eating right, getting enough sleep, exercising, etc are important parts of healthy living, sometimes a few hours of fun that keeps you up too late (or dips into your health protocol in other ways), will do more to strengthen you than anything else. Positive human interaction strengthens us in ways little else can.
5. Find the time to focus on your own personal development so that you can be a strong, active member in every relationship that you are involved in. To be effective in any relationship you must first be able to survive on your own. This is a HUGE topic that can’t be covered fully here, but is too important to leave out completely. A relationship is only as strong as the people involved in it. If you are overly dependent on your partner/friend, indulging in hyper-parenting, or unable to detach from your own parent(s) you will struggle in other areas of your life. A strong relationship is built on independence that becomes interdependent (i.e. the people involved are independently working together towards a common goal). Personal development is what life is all about. It does not indicate weakness or incompetence…it indicates that we are alive.
Did you know: The strength of a relationship is not measured by how much you need the other person…but rather by how much you can be yourself with that person and still feel confident he/she will stick around.
These are just some of the things we can do to build healthy, strong relationships with the people in our lives. It isn’t always easy and never really feels finished…but like all important things in life, it is well worth the effort.
Debbie Pokornik is the Chief Empowerment Officer for Empowering NRG and the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures; Embrace Your Natural Guidance. For more information go to http://www.empoweringnrg.com
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Break Free of Parenting Pressures
My new book; Break Free of Parenting Pressures; Embrace Your Natural Guidance is finally up on Barnes & Noble http://bit.ly/BFPPBarnesN. It's also available on Amazon.com and .ca or if you're in my area can be picked up/delivered directly by me :)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Parenting…Is it Natural or Learned?
Many of us (females especially) have grown up knowing that one day we will likely become a parent. We recognize that people have been having babies for eons and while it might not always happen the way we expected it to, it is a natural progression in life. The truth is while the actions that get us pregnant would qualify as natural (in most cases), little else of parenting is.
This way of thinking sets us up for all kinds of struggles. When we believe things are natural we tend to believe they will come easily to us and when they do not we feel shocked and embarrassed. We do not want to ask for help or admit that we don’t know the answer. We compare ourselves to the “outside view” of the lives of others and wonder why everyone else seems able to do this job.
In reality, most of what we know about parenting has been taught to us by the people who looked after us when we were young. Our parents, teachers, babysitters, coaches, etc, all had a hand in providing us with tools we can use on our youngsters – good and bad. These tools don’t always fit with our philosophy of parenting and sometimes controlling the urge to use those tools is what makes us question our ability in the first place.
Add to that the fact that our situation is unique in its own right. Our background, our babies, our partners (or lack thereof), our life stressors, our support system, our personality…all influence our experience, making our situation different from every other parent out there. This means we can ask others for ideas or help, but we shouldn’t expect their advice will always be fitting for our situation.
If we really want to be able to embrace the role of parenting and feel good about our performance in that job, we must begin by recognizing that being a good parent will not come naturally to us. On the contrary, parenting requires a lot of personal development – growing beyond where we are at and developing skills we might currently be lacking in. It requires a willingness to learn and ask questions along with a belief in our ability to persevere and make it through whatever challenges this role brings our way.
Parenting, and in fact all personal development, is never easy—but it is what makes us resilient and helps us to grow into the people we always wanted to be.
This way of thinking sets us up for all kinds of struggles. When we believe things are natural we tend to believe they will come easily to us and when they do not we feel shocked and embarrassed. We do not want to ask for help or admit that we don’t know the answer. We compare ourselves to the “outside view” of the lives of others and wonder why everyone else seems able to do this job.
In reality, most of what we know about parenting has been taught to us by the people who looked after us when we were young. Our parents, teachers, babysitters, coaches, etc, all had a hand in providing us with tools we can use on our youngsters – good and bad. These tools don’t always fit with our philosophy of parenting and sometimes controlling the urge to use those tools is what makes us question our ability in the first place.
Add to that the fact that our situation is unique in its own right. Our background, our babies, our partners (or lack thereof), our life stressors, our support system, our personality…all influence our experience, making our situation different from every other parent out there. This means we can ask others for ideas or help, but we shouldn’t expect their advice will always be fitting for our situation.
If we really want to be able to embrace the role of parenting and feel good about our performance in that job, we must begin by recognizing that being a good parent will not come naturally to us. On the contrary, parenting requires a lot of personal development – growing beyond where we are at and developing skills we might currently be lacking in. It requires a willingness to learn and ask questions along with a belief in our ability to persevere and make it through whatever challenges this role brings our way.
Parenting, and in fact all personal development, is never easy—but it is what makes us resilient and helps us to grow into the people we always wanted to be.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Am I Ruining My Child For Life?
All parents will benefit from support at some point in their parenting journey – there is no reason to feel bad about it.
I find it very interesting how most of us recognize parenting as such an important job AND believe we should know all the answers for how to deal with every situation. We understand our children are our future…our future leaders, our future workforce (the people who provide us with services after we’ve retired) and even our future in-laws (pool of people our kids will get to choose their partners from)...and this makes parenting a critical task in our society.
We are also well aware that people have been parenting for eons and that it is one of the most natural roles we will take on in our lifetime. In fact, it is those people who--for a variety of reasons--end up not having children that might be subjected to questioning and raised eyebrows.
The message: We should be able to raise strong, resilient, healthy, caring kids who will contribute positively to our society, and we should be able to do it naturally.
This way of thinking sets parents up for a struggle right from the start. It becomes a job loaded with self-doubt, uncertainty, guilt, confusion, and major stress.
“Am I ruining my child for life?” We wonder, shaking our head at the memory of the blow-out we had just that morning. “Why am I the only one who doesn’t seem to be able to do this right?”…”If I let him get away with that am I spoiling him?”
These are normal questions asked by parents all over the continent and they really do cause us no end of grief. When self-doubt kicks in our performance drops significantly, influencing our patience, our creativity and our tolerance level. So, my thoughts to any parents reading this…
Know that you are perfect at being you—no one else can do as good a job as you can—AND by extension you are the perfect parent for your child.
You will make mistakes, you will have moments when you simply don’t know what to do and you will wish for opportunities to rewind and do it over again differently. These are the moments that help us learn and grow.
If we can tie into our own inner knowledge, keep an open mind in terms of learning new ideas, and be willing to ask for help when things threaten to overwhelm, we will be doing our best job and what more can anyone ask for?
I find it very interesting how most of us recognize parenting as such an important job AND believe we should know all the answers for how to deal with every situation. We understand our children are our future…our future leaders, our future workforce (the people who provide us with services after we’ve retired) and even our future in-laws (pool of people our kids will get to choose their partners from)...and this makes parenting a critical task in our society.
We are also well aware that people have been parenting for eons and that it is one of the most natural roles we will take on in our lifetime. In fact, it is those people who--for a variety of reasons--end up not having children that might be subjected to questioning and raised eyebrows.
The message: We should be able to raise strong, resilient, healthy, caring kids who will contribute positively to our society, and we should be able to do it naturally.
This way of thinking sets parents up for a struggle right from the start. It becomes a job loaded with self-doubt, uncertainty, guilt, confusion, and major stress.
“Am I ruining my child for life?” We wonder, shaking our head at the memory of the blow-out we had just that morning. “Why am I the only one who doesn’t seem to be able to do this right?”…”If I let him get away with that am I spoiling him?”
These are normal questions asked by parents all over the continent and they really do cause us no end of grief. When self-doubt kicks in our performance drops significantly, influencing our patience, our creativity and our tolerance level. So, my thoughts to any parents reading this…
Know that you are perfect at being you—no one else can do as good a job as you can—AND by extension you are the perfect parent for your child.
You will make mistakes, you will have moments when you simply don’t know what to do and you will wish for opportunities to rewind and do it over again differently. These are the moments that help us learn and grow.
If we can tie into our own inner knowledge, keep an open mind in terms of learning new ideas, and be willing to ask for help when things threaten to overwhelm, we will be doing our best job and what more can anyone ask for?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Two Wrongs Don't Make It Right
When people make a negative statement about themselves they are looking for understanding…not correction.
Yet how often when we hear our kids say, “I’m stupid,” or “Nobody likes me,” do we correct? Unfortunately most of us have a built in response when we hear a statement like that and can’t help but want to fix it. Our kids are so precious to us and the thought that they might actually believe that statement breaks our heart.
People make these kinds of statements because they are hurting, testing, repeating what they see their role models do or trying to express something they don’t know how else to express. If we can respond with something calm and supportive, we are opening the door to safe communication.
We are not ignoring the comment, but we aren’t reacting to it either. If your child likes hugs, you might ask him, “Do you need a hug?” If he looks quite upset, but not open to a hug you might try an inquiry, “Has something happened to make you feel this way?” Sometimes all it takes is a quizzical look for them to tell us more.
When statements like this are made our child needs us, but not in the way we might think. By allowing our kids to feel whatever negative feeling is shooting through him at the moment without turning it into a further correction, we are opening the door to the real story or feeling being released.
It will never be easy to listen to our kids talk this way, but if we can use the opportunity to really hear them their self-esteem will grow as a result. If not and your child seems to be making a habit of these kinds of statements, look carefully at what is being modeled for him and/or try a gentle correction like, “You happen to be talking about someone I think is pretty incredible…care to explain yourself?”
Yet how often when we hear our kids say, “I’m stupid,” or “Nobody likes me,” do we correct? Unfortunately most of us have a built in response when we hear a statement like that and can’t help but want to fix it. Our kids are so precious to us and the thought that they might actually believe that statement breaks our heart.
People make these kinds of statements because they are hurting, testing, repeating what they see their role models do or trying to express something they don’t know how else to express. If we can respond with something calm and supportive, we are opening the door to safe communication.
We are not ignoring the comment, but we aren’t reacting to it either. If your child likes hugs, you might ask him, “Do you need a hug?” If he looks quite upset, but not open to a hug you might try an inquiry, “Has something happened to make you feel this way?” Sometimes all it takes is a quizzical look for them to tell us more.
When statements like this are made our child needs us, but not in the way we might think. By allowing our kids to feel whatever negative feeling is shooting through him at the moment without turning it into a further correction, we are opening the door to the real story or feeling being released.
It will never be easy to listen to our kids talk this way, but if we can use the opportunity to really hear them their self-esteem will grow as a result. If not and your child seems to be making a habit of these kinds of statements, look carefully at what is being modeled for him and/or try a gentle correction like, “You happen to be talking about someone I think is pretty incredible…care to explain yourself?”
Monday, April 19, 2010
Just Do It!
Personal development is something we do for ourselves that benefits so many others. Kids learn more from what we do than what we say.
It seems strange that the best way to help our kids grow into great people is to focus on growing into great people ourselves, yet it is absolutely true. The way we behave, how we take care of ourselves and how we treat other people will influence our children more than anything we “tell” them to do.
When we push ourselves out of our comfort zone and force ourselves to grow beyond our current knowledge and abilities, we are role modeling for our kids the very behaviour we would like them to adopt. Their issues and areas of growth might not be the same, but the message is still picked up.
When Nike came up with the slogan “Just Do It!” they were describing far more than most of us imagined.
It seems strange that the best way to help our kids grow into great people is to focus on growing into great people ourselves, yet it is absolutely true. The way we behave, how we take care of ourselves and how we treat other people will influence our children more than anything we “tell” them to do.
When we push ourselves out of our comfort zone and force ourselves to grow beyond our current knowledge and abilities, we are role modeling for our kids the very behaviour we would like them to adopt. Their issues and areas of growth might not be the same, but the message is still picked up.
When Nike came up with the slogan “Just Do It!” they were describing far more than most of us imagined.
Friday, April 16, 2010
A new understanding...
Recently I had a situation occur in my life that left me taking stock of what’s really important and how I can change my life to really reflect those findings. I’ve been healing for two and a half weeks and while I’m not finished yet I have had several major, a-ha, moments. One of them was in regards to my blog.
As a parent, with a million things on my plate I find writing on a regular basis to be a real challenge. As a result, I write an article for ezine, post it to my blogs, add it to my facebook fanpage and say I am done. The problem is these articles are longer, take time to develop and are first to get dropped when other work related situations arise.
On the other hand, I make myself go daily (sometimes even a few times a day) to update my status on my social media outlets. It dawned on me that rarely do I write a status and not struggle with keeping it so short. So few characters leaves lots of room for misinterpretation and does not allow for examples. As a result, I decided to change the way I am blogging. I am going to use the status updates as my launching pad for a brief yet more informative blog and try to do so daily (except weekends of course).
I will still write longer articles for ezine and include them on my blog, but those can be like bonus pieces added in one or two times per month. Eureka! Perhaps I finally understand blogging.
Until next time…
As a parent, with a million things on my plate I find writing on a regular basis to be a real challenge. As a result, I write an article for ezine, post it to my blogs, add it to my facebook fanpage and say I am done. The problem is these articles are longer, take time to develop and are first to get dropped when other work related situations arise.
On the other hand, I make myself go daily (sometimes even a few times a day) to update my status on my social media outlets. It dawned on me that rarely do I write a status and not struggle with keeping it so short. So few characters leaves lots of room for misinterpretation and does not allow for examples. As a result, I decided to change the way I am blogging. I am going to use the status updates as my launching pad for a brief yet more informative blog and try to do so daily (except weekends of course).
I will still write longer articles for ezine and include them on my blog, but those can be like bonus pieces added in one or two times per month. Eureka! Perhaps I finally understand blogging.
Until next time…
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Parenting Mistakes; Pulling the Good Out of Every Situation
Have you ever had one of those moments when you correct your child in a way that feels totally wrong and fills you with regret? You know…where you yell too loudly, grab too roughly or say something that previously would have been totally unacceptable?
We all have limits that we live within—our boundaries that determine acceptable and unacceptable behaviours. When we cross that line, we have reached our limit in more ways than one…and once we cross it we feel terrible!
But what if I told you these situations that fill us with so much guilt and cause us to wonder if we have ruined our child for life, are actually opportunities for us and our children to grow? When we use these opportunities to reflect on what we have done and take strides to make amends, we actually strengthen our relationship with our child. It is only when we ignore the situation and “stuff” the resulting feelings that we risk becoming desensitized and derailing from our goals as a parent.
From a personal perspective, these situations cause us to reflect on our lack of control; to think about the bigger picture and hence why we don’t want to parent that way; and to recognize areas where we might need help. Perhaps our stress at work is squeezing its way into our home life, or perhaps our stress is resulting from our home and work life being virtually the same thing. Upon deeper reflection we might recognize a pattern developing or a trigger that is causing our blow-up. We might discover something from our upbringing sneaking its way into our current world or that our own lack of experience is causing a situation to get out of control.
In short, taking time to think about why the situation occurred can help us recognize when we need a break, or when some personal development is required.
From our child’s perspective this situation allows us an opportunity to give our child a genuine apology—no buts, excuses, or blaming included. It allows us to show him we are in fact human (and therefore do make mistakes) and to model self awareness. All of these are critical life skills that our child will definitely need at some point in his life. Our kids learn more from what we do than what we say. Showing him these skills in action is a beneficial outcome of this situation.
So the next time you find yourself flying off the handle and behaving in a way you’d be very embarrassed to have go public, recognize it as an opportunity to teach, learn and grow. Your being bothered by these situations is a good thing and suggests you are not the kind of parent that would use these ideas to excuse reoccurring behaviours of this nature. The fact that you are human is a good thing…it’s when you start beating yourself up for being human that it becomes a problem.
We all have limits that we live within—our boundaries that determine acceptable and unacceptable behaviours. When we cross that line, we have reached our limit in more ways than one…and once we cross it we feel terrible!
But what if I told you these situations that fill us with so much guilt and cause us to wonder if we have ruined our child for life, are actually opportunities for us and our children to grow? When we use these opportunities to reflect on what we have done and take strides to make amends, we actually strengthen our relationship with our child. It is only when we ignore the situation and “stuff” the resulting feelings that we risk becoming desensitized and derailing from our goals as a parent.
From a personal perspective, these situations cause us to reflect on our lack of control; to think about the bigger picture and hence why we don’t want to parent that way; and to recognize areas where we might need help. Perhaps our stress at work is squeezing its way into our home life, or perhaps our stress is resulting from our home and work life being virtually the same thing. Upon deeper reflection we might recognize a pattern developing or a trigger that is causing our blow-up. We might discover something from our upbringing sneaking its way into our current world or that our own lack of experience is causing a situation to get out of control.
In short, taking time to think about why the situation occurred can help us recognize when we need a break, or when some personal development is required.
From our child’s perspective this situation allows us an opportunity to give our child a genuine apology—no buts, excuses, or blaming included. It allows us to show him we are in fact human (and therefore do make mistakes) and to model self awareness. All of these are critical life skills that our child will definitely need at some point in his life. Our kids learn more from what we do than what we say. Showing him these skills in action is a beneficial outcome of this situation.
So the next time you find yourself flying off the handle and behaving in a way you’d be very embarrassed to have go public, recognize it as an opportunity to teach, learn and grow. Your being bothered by these situations is a good thing and suggests you are not the kind of parent that would use these ideas to excuse reoccurring behaviours of this nature. The fact that you are human is a good thing…it’s when you start beating yourself up for being human that it becomes a problem.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Does Parenting Really Have To Be This Hard?
There was a time in my parenting life, when I really wondered if the amount of effort I was putting into raising my kids was worth the effort. I had a lot of great reasons for parenting the way I did, but on the more trying of days I couldn’t help but think I was making it harder than it needed to be.
Looking at it now I realize I found this job so hard for the following reasons:
1. I cared a lot about doing a good job and being a great parent
2. Because I cared about doing a good job, I was putting a lot of energy into being self aware and analyzing why things had gone the way they did
3. Because I was analyzing things so much and really looking for the “reason” behind things, I was taking both my own and my kids mistakes/failures personally
4. Because I was taking things personally I was allowing self-doubt, guilt and uncertainty to weigh me down
I thought this would be an interesting revelation to share with fellow parents. Parenting (in my opinion) is harder when you really care about doing a good job. The other reasons were caused more by my own efforts and less from anything my kids were doing.
If I hadn’t cared so much, I might have just reacted – punished when it suited my purpose and raised kids who listened to me because they felt they had no other choice. I don’t mean to be minimizing the challenges faced by parents who have taken this route or to even suggest it is wrong, but I can tell you this…
Today I have strong, positive relationships with my kids. They truly are wonderful teens – sure my son wears his pants too low, exhausts me with his negotiating and has a real “smart” mouth at times. He’s a “C” average student in high school and I’m sure will make some “interesting” choices as life goes along. Despite this, he is well liked, communicative and respectful most of the time.
My daughter gets involved (sometimes causes) all kinds of friendship drama at school and has a look that can kill from twenty feet away. Her room is messy beyond belief and she avoids chores like the plague. But she is also very caring, determined, self assured and creative. She excels at school and is quick to pick up when people are not respecting her boundaries.
Both of them make me laugh a lot and bring way more joy into my life than they could ever take from it. I have, and will continue, to make numerous parenting errors…but somehow I now know these things only add to the parenting experience.
So, if you are parenting young children, putting in a lot of effort and questioning if it is worth it, I believe it truly is. I think I would have benefited from hearing that back when those feelings were surfacing for me and that is why I share this story.
I would love to hear your thoughts and stories…
Debbie Pokornik is the owner of empowering NRG. She is the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures and believes all parents can use support at some point in their parenting experience. For other great parenting tips or to book Debbie for keynotes/workshops, go to http://empoweringnrg.com/
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Effective Listening; How to Open Your Mind, Your Heart and Your Ears
Empathic Listening is a tool aimed at helping people connect and really hear what another person is telling them. To do it correctly, we must imagine ourselves in the other person’s situation and try to relate to how they are feeling. It is done with open ears, mind, and heart. Our goal is to detach from our own feelings and work on understanding the feelings of the other person. This can be challenging if what we are hearing affects us as well, but it is a key piece to getting the whole story.
The main strategy of Empathic Listening is the following:
- Identify the speaker’s feeling behind the words (anger, disappointment…)
- Empathize--try to think how you would feel in that person’s situation and share these thoughts with the speaker (warning: do not say I know how you feel!)
- Reflect back what you have heard, clarify if necessary
- Assist with problem solving ONLY if requested to do so
Example of Empathic Listening with child’s emotional outburst:
Child: I hate Grandma!
Parent: You sound angry. What’s going on?
Child: Grandma’s mean, she never plays with me
Parent: Hmm, I don’t think I’d like it if my Grandma never played with me, especially if she used to play with me a lot.
Child: Yeah. Now she’s always busy with the baby.
Parent: (nodding) So, do you think the problem is that she’s spending too much time with the baby?
Child: Yeah. Can I have a cookie?
Two important points:
- Getting past the strong opening statement the child uses can be a hurdle for many parents. Those are BIG words, and if we want to find out where they are coming from we have to ignore our own emotions and listen for our child’s.
- The child ended the conversation without asking the parent to help fix the problem. Parents love to fix problems, even when they are not asked to do so. In this case, and in more cases than you might imagine, the child just needed to be heard. His feelings were making him uncomfortable resulting in his strong opening statement. At some point he might bring it up with his parent again and ask for help with ideas, but if not, it is far more empowering for him if the parent just allows the conversation to end there.
Example of Empathic Listening with a bullying disclosure:
Child: I pretended to be sick because Bart said he was going to bash my head in and teach all the wimps at school a lesson!
Parent: Wow that sounds pretty scary.
Child: I’m not scared, I’m mad!
Parent: Okay, mad makes sense too… if it were me I think I’d be both mad and scared.
Child: Could I stay home tomorrow?
Parent: I wish I could let you. I don’t think I would want to go back either. I think the school might get upset though.
Child: They won’t care. You can just tell them I’m sick.
Parent: You know what Bart is doing is not okay. He has no right to treat you or anybody like that. What he’s doing is bullying. How about we come up with a plan to help you work through this problem?
In this case the parent raises the idea of problem solving together. Bullying is a serious issue that only arises when there is a power imbalance of some sort. Often our kids will need some guidance to work their way through it.
If the child responded by saying, “No. I’ll deal with it myself,” the parent could agree but end with a check back statement. “Okay, how about I check in with you again on the weekend to see how it went?” The result would be a child who feels supported, cared for and empowered by his parent’s belief in his ability.
Sometimes we have trouble identifying the name of the feeling and in fact the speaker himself might not be clear how he feels. Don’t get caught up in identifying the feeling or it could become a circus, (i.e., Are you mad? No. Irritated? No! Frustrated? No! Furious? NO!) The idea is to connect with the person by trying to understand his feeling. Guessing it right is not that important. We will never truly know what’s going on inside another person. If he says he is not angry despite his clenched jaw, red face, and throbbing temple, accept it and move on.
Finally, despite our perfect use of Empathic Listening, sometimes our child will not be receptive. If that’s the case (you can tell because he is escalating instead of calming) ditch this tool and move into self preservation. Calmly say something like “I can see you’re not ready to talk about this now, let me know if you want to talk later.” Then walk away and refuse to engage in further argument.
Exerpted with permission from Break Free of Parenting Pressures; Embrace Your Natural Guidance by Debbie Pokornik.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Raising Leaders - Being a Great Boss, Can Help Us Raise Great Kids
Anyone can boss people around…but not everyone will be a great boss. If we can focus on the qualities that separate an ordinary boss from a really great boss and then apply them to our parenting strategies, we will raise great kids.
Ten qualities that a great boss will possess are:
1. Patient with good self-control. A great boss is predictable in that he stays calm and controlled despite the situation. He does not allow his emotions to determine his reaction, but instead uses them to guide him on a path to discovery. Patience and self-control are two things that can challenge us when dealing with our children. Practicing these skills with our kids is a win-win situation.
2. Clear expectations. Expectations are not a guessing game when you have a great boss. This type of leader will be clear on what she wants from you and when she expects it done by. With our kids this might translate into The table needs to be cleared before you go outside.
3. Acknowledges a job well done. We all like to hear when we’ve done a good job and especially appreciate being told what it was we did well. With our kids we can do this by using effective feedback which tells them what they’ve done well and why we like it. Thanks for setting the table it makes my job easier when you help out.
4. Cares about the individual. For a boss, this means knowing a bit about the employee’s life outside of work – birthdays, weekend plans, sick children, etc. For parents, this involves knowing what their child is dealing with in life at the moment, who his friends are, his IT interests (sites surfing, games playing, shows watching) as well as his current hobbies.
5. Teaches, then trusts. A great boss will show you a new task, allow you to try it, make sure you understand it, and then trust you to do the job. With our children, this training is often severely lacking. To really learn something most of us benefit by having it broken down in steps, by being given an opportunity to try it out (hands-on) and by slight, positive adjustments being made when things go wrong. A great boss wouldn’t assume you know the details just from watching, yet often that is what we expect from our kids.
6. Provides assertive correction. A great boss will calmly, yet clearly tell you when there is a problem with something you’ve done, complete with an explanation of why this behaviour is a problem. This boss will not accept excuses or shirking of responsibility, but is willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. A great boss believes in you and recognizes mistakes are an inevitable part of living. Paying attention to how you are correcting your kids can make the difference between teaching them the lesson, and making them feel “faulty” for making a mistake.
7. Role models desired behaviours. A great boss does not say one thing and do another, unless he’s very clear about his reasons for this discrepancy. It is critical we remember our kids learn far more from what we do than what we say. As much as possible we want our behaviours to match the values we are trying to teach.
8. Promotes independence and interdependence. A great boss allows employees to be individuals within the boundaries of company standards. She doesn’t try to make clones of herself, but recognizes the unique talents each person brings to the table. She also expects people to work together for the good of the company. While our kids might seem to be a lot like us, they are individuals and will benefit most when we recognize and support that. If we allow our child to be her own unique self while working towards a common set of family goals, we will have a much happier team.
9. Avoids micro-managing. A great boss gives us a task, ensures we understand the details and timeline and then allows us to do it. When we want our kids to do things we often ask (or tell) them, wait a moment and then nag at them to do as they were asked. Besides being irritating, this tells our kids they do not need to do what we ask until our level of nagging hits a certain octave!
10. Promotes mutual respect. A great boss promotes a respectful relationship by treating her employees with respect. Orders are given sparingly and without personal attack. Ordering our children might seem more efficient, but in the end it will cause a lot of extra work. Watch the tone of voice you are using with your kids and be aware of how much you are ordering, rather than asking or suggesting.
Our children really are the bosses of the future. If we can keep these qualities in mind and practice them as much as possible in our family environment, we will have future leaders who are ready and able to be great.
Debbie is the owner of Empowering NRG and author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures: Embrace Your Natural Guidance. She believes all parents can use support at some point in their parenting experience and has made it her mission to help with this task. For more info go to http://www.empoweringnrg.com
Ten qualities that a great boss will possess are:
1. Patient with good self-control. A great boss is predictable in that he stays calm and controlled despite the situation. He does not allow his emotions to determine his reaction, but instead uses them to guide him on a path to discovery. Patience and self-control are two things that can challenge us when dealing with our children. Practicing these skills with our kids is a win-win situation.
2. Clear expectations. Expectations are not a guessing game when you have a great boss. This type of leader will be clear on what she wants from you and when she expects it done by. With our kids this might translate into The table needs to be cleared before you go outside.
3. Acknowledges a job well done. We all like to hear when we’ve done a good job and especially appreciate being told what it was we did well. With our kids we can do this by using effective feedback which tells them what they’ve done well and why we like it. Thanks for setting the table it makes my job easier when you help out.
4. Cares about the individual. For a boss, this means knowing a bit about the employee’s life outside of work – birthdays, weekend plans, sick children, etc. For parents, this involves knowing what their child is dealing with in life at the moment, who his friends are, his IT interests (sites surfing, games playing, shows watching) as well as his current hobbies.
5. Teaches, then trusts. A great boss will show you a new task, allow you to try it, make sure you understand it, and then trust you to do the job. With our children, this training is often severely lacking. To really learn something most of us benefit by having it broken down in steps, by being given an opportunity to try it out (hands-on) and by slight, positive adjustments being made when things go wrong. A great boss wouldn’t assume you know the details just from watching, yet often that is what we expect from our kids.
6. Provides assertive correction. A great boss will calmly, yet clearly tell you when there is a problem with something you’ve done, complete with an explanation of why this behaviour is a problem. This boss will not accept excuses or shirking of responsibility, but is willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. A great boss believes in you and recognizes mistakes are an inevitable part of living. Paying attention to how you are correcting your kids can make the difference between teaching them the lesson, and making them feel “faulty” for making a mistake.
7. Role models desired behaviours. A great boss does not say one thing and do another, unless he’s very clear about his reasons for this discrepancy. It is critical we remember our kids learn far more from what we do than what we say. As much as possible we want our behaviours to match the values we are trying to teach.
8. Promotes independence and interdependence. A great boss allows employees to be individuals within the boundaries of company standards. She doesn’t try to make clones of herself, but recognizes the unique talents each person brings to the table. She also expects people to work together for the good of the company. While our kids might seem to be a lot like us, they are individuals and will benefit most when we recognize and support that. If we allow our child to be her own unique self while working towards a common set of family goals, we will have a much happier team.
9. Avoids micro-managing. A great boss gives us a task, ensures we understand the details and timeline and then allows us to do it. When we want our kids to do things we often ask (or tell) them, wait a moment and then nag at them to do as they were asked. Besides being irritating, this tells our kids they do not need to do what we ask until our level of nagging hits a certain octave!
10. Promotes mutual respect. A great boss promotes a respectful relationship by treating her employees with respect. Orders are given sparingly and without personal attack. Ordering our children might seem more efficient, but in the end it will cause a lot of extra work. Watch the tone of voice you are using with your kids and be aware of how much you are ordering, rather than asking or suggesting.
Our children really are the bosses of the future. If we can keep these qualities in mind and practice them as much as possible in our family environment, we will have future leaders who are ready and able to be great.
Debbie is the owner of Empowering NRG and author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures: Embrace Your Natural Guidance. She believes all parents can use support at some point in their parenting experience and has made it her mission to help with this task. For more info go to http://www.empoweringnrg.com
Monday, January 4, 2010
Understanding Empathy, Seven Tips for Raising Compassionate Children
Empathy is about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and trying to relate to what they might be feeling. Out of empathy comes caring, consideration, compassion and even remorse (if you are unable to think how your actions might hurt another person, how can you possibly feel bad for what you have done?). Some people purposely turn off their empathy to eliminate getting hurt and others are not stimulated to create the empathy pathways in their brain in the first place.
Seven tips for encouraging empathy:
- Help kids become aware of their own feelings by pointing out what you see. “I can see you’re disappointed” “I understand your disgust…”
- When your child does something hurtful to another person, ask her to think about how it might feel if the roles were reversed. Try to get her thinking without making her feel bad for making a mistake. “I want you to think about how you would feel if someone took away your favorite toy and wouldn’t let you have it back.”
- Share your own feelings and take full responsibility for them. “I’m furious the dog ate my food while I was on the phone – I was looking forward to eating that sandwich.”
- Model empathy to your child. “I can understand why you might feel that way. I would feel angry if someone did that to me.”
- Use situations around you to discuss how other people might be feeling. Tactfully talk about situations you witness or use the characters in movies and TV shows. “She looked like she felt embarrassed when the store clerk laughed at her – what do you think?”
- When people have to care for something living, they often develop a sense of connection which helps to teach empathy. Teach your kids how to take care of something living – a plant, animal, bird or reptile.
- Have your kids act out a short story (fairy tales work well) and encourage them to really immerse themselves in the roles. To be a great actor you have to think carefully about how your character would be feeling which is what empathy is all about.
Developing empathy is important for all of us. Getting along with others, being able to wait your turn, treating people with compassion, feeling bad when you mistreat others are all dependent on our ability to care about how that other person might feel. Tuning into others helps us be caring people.
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