Parenting Mistakes; Pulling the Good Out of Every Situation

Have you ever had one of those moments when you correct your child in a way that feels totally wrong and fills you with regret? You know…where you yell too loudly, grab too roughly or say something that previously would have been totally unacceptable?

We all have limits that we live within—our boundaries that determine acceptable and unacceptable behaviours. When we cross that line, we have reached our limit in more ways than one…and once we cross it we feel terrible!

But what if I told you these situations that fill us with so much guilt and cause us to wonder if we have ruined our child for life, are actually opportunities for us and our children to grow? When we use these opportunities to reflect on what we have done and take strides to make amends, we actually strengthen our relationship with our child. It is only when we ignore the situation and “stuff” the resulting feelings that we risk becoming desensitized and derailing from our goals as a parent.

From a personal perspective, these situations cause us to reflect on our lack of control; to think about the bigger picture and hence why we don’t want to parent that way; and to recognize areas where we might need help. Perhaps our stress at work is squeezing its way into our home life, or perhaps our stress is resulting from our home and work life being virtually the same thing. Upon deeper reflection we might recognize a pattern developing or a trigger that is causing our blow-up. We might discover something from our upbringing sneaking its way into our current world or that our own lack of experience is causing a situation to get out of control.

In short, taking time to think about why the situation occurred can help us recognize when we need a break, or when some personal development is required.

From our child’s perspective this situation allows us an opportunity to give our child a genuine apology—no buts, excuses, or blaming included. It allows us to show him we are in fact human (and therefore do make mistakes) and to model self awareness. All of these are critical life skills that our child will definitely need at some point in his life. Our kids learn more from what we do than what we say. Showing him these skills in action is a beneficial outcome of this situation.

So the next time you find yourself flying off the handle and behaving in a way you’d be very embarrassed to have go public, recognize it as an opportunity to teach, learn and grow. Your being bothered by these situations is a good thing and suggests you are not the kind of parent that would use these ideas to excuse reoccurring behaviours of this nature. The fact that you are human is a good thing…it’s when you start beating yourself up for being human that it becomes a problem.

Does Parenting Really Have To Be This Hard?

There was a time in my parenting life, when I really wondered if the amount of effort I was putting into raising my kids was worth the effort. I had a lot of great reasons for parenting the way I did, but on the more trying of days I couldn’t help but think I was making it harder than it needed to be.

Looking at it now I realize I found this job so hard for the following reasons:

1. I cared a lot about doing a good job and being a great parent
2. Because I cared about doing a good job, I was putting a lot of energy into being self aware and analyzing why things had gone the way they did
3. Because I was analyzing things so much and really looking for the “reason” behind things, I was taking both my own and my kids mistakes/failures personally
4. Because I was taking things personally I was allowing self-doubt, guilt and uncertainty to weigh me down

I thought this would be an interesting revelation to share with fellow parents. Parenting (in my opinion) is harder when you really care about doing a good job. The other reasons were caused more by my own efforts and less from anything my kids were doing.

If I hadn’t cared so much, I might have just reacted – punished when it suited my purpose and raised kids who listened to me because they felt they had no other choice. I don’t mean to be minimizing the challenges faced by parents who have taken this route or to even suggest it is wrong, but I can tell you this…

Today I have strong, positive relationships with my kids. They truly are wonderful teens – sure my son wears his pants too low, exhausts me with his negotiating and has a real “smart” mouth at times. He’s a “C” average student in high school and I’m sure will make some “interesting” choices as life goes along. Despite this, he is well liked, communicative and respectful most of the time.

My daughter gets involved (sometimes causes) all kinds of friendship drama at school and has a look that can kill from twenty feet away. Her room is messy beyond belief and she avoids chores like the plague. But she is also very caring, determined, self assured and creative. She excels at school and is quick to pick up when people are not respecting her boundaries.

Both of them make me laugh a lot and bring way more joy into my life than they could ever take from it. I have, and will continue, to make numerous parenting errors…but somehow I now know these things only add to the parenting experience.

So, if you are parenting young children, putting in a lot of effort and questioning if it is worth it, I believe it truly is. I think I would have benefited from hearing that back when those feelings were surfacing for me and that is why I share this story.

I would love to hear your thoughts and stories…

Debbie Pokornik is the owner of empowering NRG. She is the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures and believes all parents can use support at some point in their parenting experience. For other great parenting tips or to book Debbie for keynotes/workshops, go to http://empoweringnrg.com/