Relationships are built by the little things we do, making these little things very important. Being aware of the kinds of things that strengthen or weaken our relationships, helps us build something strong enough to weather any storm.
Five things to be aware of when building relationship:
1) Overdoing the teasing/jokes. Taking little shots at one another can be fun and affirming in a relationship. Knowing a person well enough to joke with him about little details in his life creates an intimate connection. The problem is when we overdo it. We joke too often, or in front of the wrong people and end up hurting, embarrassing or angering the person we were trying to tease. Instead of being funny we create a rift that can develop into a sensitive area. Remedy: balance your joking with twice as many sincere compliments or other signs of appreciation.
2) Not giving back to the relationship. When life gets busy many of us begin to take our relationships for granted and forget to do the maintenance to keep them strong. When this happens we stop doing the little positives and ride on the strength we have already built. The problem with this is we are still doing the little negatives causing our relationship to weaken over time. Remedy: find the time to listen without judgment, do kind acts, say nice things, stand up for the other person whether she is present or not and have quality moments.
3) Telling stories that are not ours to tell. Part of having a strong relationship is sharing our stories, intimate thoughts, and secrets. Sometimes these tales are too funny, cute, or shocking to keep to ourselves. As a result we tell it to others, embellishing as we go. The problem is, without permission to share these stories we are actually gossiping and hurting our relationship. People feel vulnerable when they are “talked about” and are not in the room. Remedy: when you find yourself sharing a story that is not yours, stop…or at least be sure to tell it as if the person involved was standing beside you listening.
4) Being too unpredictable. Most of us equate being unpredictable with a sense of adventure and fun. It adds spice to life and keeps things interesting. The problem in relationships arises when we are too unpredictable. There is a comfort that comes from knowing a person and having a sense of how they will behave. Even if their behaviour is erratic it is still comfortable to us if that is what we’ve come to expect (An exception to this is when people are predictably violent, it is hard to feel comfortable in that situation even when we can predict it). When we are too hard to predict we make it challenging for people to build relationships with us. Remedy: figure out your core values and live true to those values. If you are predictable at the core you will be easier to know.
5) Not trusting or giving the benefit of the doubt. All strong relationships are built on a foundation of trust. We believe in the other person and are willing to give her the benefit of the doubt in any questionable situations. When we find ourselves not believing in the other person, but instead judging or accusing her, we make it challenging for our relationship to grow. Remedy: trust, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If trust has been broken, start with baby steps and repair using all the steps above.
Relationships are complicated. They take work yet can feel effortless when things are going well. By being aware of what makes a relationship strong and then putting in the effort to build a little bit everyday, we can create structures that quite literally last a life time.
Debbie Pokornik is the owner of empowering nrg. She helps people achieve balance in their lives using natural, realistic guidance...because a little nrg can go a long way. For other great tips or to book Debbie for keynotes/workshops, go to http://empoweringnrg.com/ or check out her fan page at http://bit.ly/dpokofanpage
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Would you like a do-over?
There are many times in my life when I say or do things that I really wish I hadn't. Maybe I use a sharp voice, say something hurtful, or roll my eyes at a person...the point is I would love to have some do-overs.
Kids are not different in this department. Sometimes they act without thinking or say something coated with the emotion they are feeling at the moment. Where they are different is in the fact that their communication skills haven't had the years of development that ours have and they are still into testing the process.
As a result I like to offer kids the benefit of the doubt when they say or do something rude. Rather than just jump right to discipline I will often ask, "Do you want a do-over". If they say no or continue to be rude I move into the discipline piece of my job. If they change what they are saying (or how they are saying it) I compliment them and move on.
Very rarely will my kids reject the opportunity for a do-over although sometimes I can tell it is killing them to have to change their behaviour. To me, it's amazing they are able to do it.
I believe by offering my kids this choice, I am giving them a chance to control their behaviour, I'm clearly identifying what is unacceptable in my books and I'm decreasing the amount of discipline I have to do in a day. Seems like a worthwhile venture to me.
Debbie Pokornik assists organizations that work with families overcome engagement issues with parents and gain confidence in their supportive role. For other great parenting tips or to book Debbie for keynotes/workshops, go to http://empoweringnrg.com
Kids are not different in this department. Sometimes they act without thinking or say something coated with the emotion they are feeling at the moment. Where they are different is in the fact that their communication skills haven't had the years of development that ours have and they are still into testing the process.
As a result I like to offer kids the benefit of the doubt when they say or do something rude. Rather than just jump right to discipline I will often ask, "Do you want a do-over". If they say no or continue to be rude I move into the discipline piece of my job. If they change what they are saying (or how they are saying it) I compliment them and move on.
Very rarely will my kids reject the opportunity for a do-over although sometimes I can tell it is killing them to have to change their behaviour. To me, it's amazing they are able to do it.
I believe by offering my kids this choice, I am giving them a chance to control their behaviour, I'm clearly identifying what is unacceptable in my books and I'm decreasing the amount of discipline I have to do in a day. Seems like a worthwhile venture to me.
Debbie Pokornik assists organizations that work with families overcome engagement issues with parents and gain confidence in their supportive role. For other great parenting tips or to book Debbie for keynotes/workshops, go to http://empoweringnrg.com
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The power of communication and the affect it can have on our emotions
Yesterday I had a frustrating and enlightening experience.
My son is starting driver’s ed. at school this week and we have been told to visit one of our driver’s licensing offices (MPI) ahead of time to pick up a customer number. He will require this to write the written test in a few weeks and they highly recommend you pick it up right away.
This process requires very specific identification, but since MPI recognizes this is challenging for most teenagers, they have created a guarantor form to vouch for the child. This form is very similar to the passport verification one and must be signed by a qualified professional who’s known the applicant for at least two years.
Being a keener, I got right on this task and had the guarantor form taken to our Chiropractor in a town about forty minutes away. I carefully read through the MPI brochure my son had brought home and made sure we had everything we’d require. As soon as my son got off the school bus, we grabbed our papers and headed in to our closest MPI office.
Here’s where things got frustrating. I won’t bore you with details except to say that the driver’s ed. people had given out both an old brochure and an old guarantor form. The time I had spent getting things organized was all for naught and we were told we’d have to get a new guarantor form signed and then return to go through the whole thing again.
Here’s the enlightenment piece. Although I’m sure the lady at the MPI office thought she was being very professional with us, she managed to take what was just normal frustration and make me want to explode. She did not care that I had gone to any effort to get the forms signed and appeared to take great pleasure in circling the little numbers that showed the date the form was printed.
“These forms are outdated, they’re no good,” she stated, circling the little 04/07 as if that explained it all. “MPI is very particular – they’ll refuse it so you’ll have to get another one signed. It’s no big deal just get the new one signed by…” she rambled on oblivious to what her tone of voice and problem solving focus was doing to me.
What’s important to note is that by not even trying to put herself in my shoes, she took my frustration at having the wrong form and turned it into anger directly focused at her. I was not ready to problem solve…and it was a big deal! Minimizing the problem did not work in her favour and made me want to snap.
I managed to assertively tell the woman, “I am very frustrated at the moment. I do realize this error is not your fault however that doesn’t change how I’m feeling.” With that I grabbed my forms and walked out of the office, shaking, but with my dignity intact.
My point…this really didn’t need to be a big deal. With just the basic understanding of how to empathize and connect with people I would have been frustrated with the situation but not with that agency or staff person.
These are life skills every person working in customer service need to know. I'm not an easily angered or volatile person…but this situation definitely showed me how things could go in a negative direction. I know I'm responsible for how I feel and behave, but why make it harder on a person?
Those are my thoughts…thanks for listening
My son is starting driver’s ed. at school this week and we have been told to visit one of our driver’s licensing offices (MPI) ahead of time to pick up a customer number. He will require this to write the written test in a few weeks and they highly recommend you pick it up right away.
This process requires very specific identification, but since MPI recognizes this is challenging for most teenagers, they have created a guarantor form to vouch for the child. This form is very similar to the passport verification one and must be signed by a qualified professional who’s known the applicant for at least two years.
Being a keener, I got right on this task and had the guarantor form taken to our Chiropractor in a town about forty minutes away. I carefully read through the MPI brochure my son had brought home and made sure we had everything we’d require. As soon as my son got off the school bus, we grabbed our papers and headed in to our closest MPI office.
Here’s where things got frustrating. I won’t bore you with details except to say that the driver’s ed. people had given out both an old brochure and an old guarantor form. The time I had spent getting things organized was all for naught and we were told we’d have to get a new guarantor form signed and then return to go through the whole thing again.
Here’s the enlightenment piece. Although I’m sure the lady at the MPI office thought she was being very professional with us, she managed to take what was just normal frustration and make me want to explode. She did not care that I had gone to any effort to get the forms signed and appeared to take great pleasure in circling the little numbers that showed the date the form was printed.
“These forms are outdated, they’re no good,” she stated, circling the little 04/07 as if that explained it all. “MPI is very particular – they’ll refuse it so you’ll have to get another one signed. It’s no big deal just get the new one signed by…” she rambled on oblivious to what her tone of voice and problem solving focus was doing to me.
What’s important to note is that by not even trying to put herself in my shoes, she took my frustration at having the wrong form and turned it into anger directly focused at her. I was not ready to problem solve…and it was a big deal! Minimizing the problem did not work in her favour and made me want to snap.
I managed to assertively tell the woman, “I am very frustrated at the moment. I do realize this error is not your fault however that doesn’t change how I’m feeling.” With that I grabbed my forms and walked out of the office, shaking, but with my dignity intact.
My point…this really didn’t need to be a big deal. With just the basic understanding of how to empathize and connect with people I would have been frustrated with the situation but not with that agency or staff person.
These are life skills every person working in customer service need to know. I'm not an easily angered or volatile person…but this situation definitely showed me how things could go in a negative direction. I know I'm responsible for how I feel and behave, but why make it harder on a person?
Those are my thoughts…thanks for listening
Monday, September 21, 2009
Name Calling: How parents and teachers can use it to their benefit
People love to poke fun at one another and will often resort to name calling to express how they are feeling. This activity is not always a bad thing and can actually be quite fun. It is a form of teasing; a give and take process meant to lighten the mood, create a little laugh and strengthen the relationship between participants.
Where name calling becomes a problem is when one person is using these moments to hurt the other. Any laughter is one-sided and typically the jibes only flow in one direction. These kinds of things can be precursors to bullying and are damaging to the relationships involved.
Name calling can also be a problem when the kids involved do not have the skills (or relationship strength) to enjoy the process. The way they deal with this frustration is to strike out at the other person and conflict arises. We can allow this to happen and hope the kids figure out a way to work it out, or we can be proactive and put a process in place first. This process should allow us to teach skills, limit the hurtful comments, and remain calm in the process.
One way to do this is to put a “two nice things” rule into effect. This rule requires that anyone who puts down another (joking or otherwise) will need to say two nice things about that person. Even in a strong relationship teasing can be damaging to self esteem (especially if you hit a sensitive topic), so it becomes the job of the “hurter” to build the other person back up. We call these put-ups and they are teaching the skills of positive thinking and compliments.
Typically, children will question any new rule so it is important to teach it in advance and then enforce it calmly and consistently. Let people know that when they call someone anything other than their name, they will be required to build that person back up by saying two nice things about them. Talk about what put-ups are acceptable and have the kids practice giving out compliments. Discuss if repeats will be allowed for repeat offenses and how these rules will be enforced.
Examples of good put-ups:
You’re fun
You’re a good friend
I like playing with you
You’re fun to hang out with
You’re very creative
You tell great stories
You make great lego machines
You have a beautiful voice
You’re very talented
You’re funny
Let the kids know that if they argue about the put down (i.e. it was just a joke, I didn’t say that, that’s not name calling), they will automatically be required to say four nice things. If they continue to argue the number becomes six and they will be asked to leave the room and return when they are ready to give their compliments.
The idea is to build people up. Although kids are often good at honest compliments when they are young, they often lose this by Grade two and start focusing on what they don’t like about other people. Focusing on positives is a skill that we all benefit by learning. Using a rule such as this allows kids to practice this skill and creates a nicer atmosphere for us all.
One word of warning…It is critical that you, as the enforcer, remain calm and allow this to be a learning experience. If you become judgmental (i.e. that was uncalled for; you are very rude) or allow anger to guide your enforcement, the process will become a form of punishment and, rather than disappearing, the name calling will intensify.
Debbie Pokornik is the owner of empowering NRG. She is the author of Peak at Parenting; Natural, Realistic Guidance for the Busy Parent (releasing late 2009) and believes all parents can use support at some point in their parenting experience. For other great parenting tips or to book Debbie for keynotes/workshops, go to http://empoweringnrg.com/
Where name calling becomes a problem is when one person is using these moments to hurt the other. Any laughter is one-sided and typically the jibes only flow in one direction. These kinds of things can be precursors to bullying and are damaging to the relationships involved.
Name calling can also be a problem when the kids involved do not have the skills (or relationship strength) to enjoy the process. The way they deal with this frustration is to strike out at the other person and conflict arises. We can allow this to happen and hope the kids figure out a way to work it out, or we can be proactive and put a process in place first. This process should allow us to teach skills, limit the hurtful comments, and remain calm in the process.
One way to do this is to put a “two nice things” rule into effect. This rule requires that anyone who puts down another (joking or otherwise) will need to say two nice things about that person. Even in a strong relationship teasing can be damaging to self esteem (especially if you hit a sensitive topic), so it becomes the job of the “hurter” to build the other person back up. We call these put-ups and they are teaching the skills of positive thinking and compliments.
Typically, children will question any new rule so it is important to teach it in advance and then enforce it calmly and consistently. Let people know that when they call someone anything other than their name, they will be required to build that person back up by saying two nice things about them. Talk about what put-ups are acceptable and have the kids practice giving out compliments. Discuss if repeats will be allowed for repeat offenses and how these rules will be enforced.
Examples of good put-ups:
You’re fun
You’re a good friend
I like playing with you
You’re fun to hang out with
You’re very creative
You tell great stories
You make great lego machines
You have a beautiful voice
You’re very talented
You’re funny
Let the kids know that if they argue about the put down (i.e. it was just a joke, I didn’t say that, that’s not name calling), they will automatically be required to say four nice things. If they continue to argue the number becomes six and they will be asked to leave the room and return when they are ready to give their compliments.
The idea is to build people up. Although kids are often good at honest compliments when they are young, they often lose this by Grade two and start focusing on what they don’t like about other people. Focusing on positives is a skill that we all benefit by learning. Using a rule such as this allows kids to practice this skill and creates a nicer atmosphere for us all.
One word of warning…It is critical that you, as the enforcer, remain calm and allow this to be a learning experience. If you become judgmental (i.e. that was uncalled for; you are very rude) or allow anger to guide your enforcement, the process will become a form of punishment and, rather than disappearing, the name calling will intensify.
Debbie Pokornik is the owner of empowering NRG. She is the author of Peak at Parenting; Natural, Realistic Guidance for the Busy Parent (releasing late 2009) and believes all parents can use support at some point in their parenting experience. For other great parenting tips or to book Debbie for keynotes/workshops, go to http://empoweringnrg.com/
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Parenting Infants, the Worries and Uncertainties
Becoming a parent is one of the most life-altering experiences a person can make. One day we are responsible for only ourselves and the next we are in charge of the very survival of another. The overwhelming emotions, the fear of making a mistake, and the unspeakable uncertainty can leave new parents quite breathless. With each successful moment we gain more confidence, only to take two giant steps back any time something goes wrong.
“What’s wrong with him?” asks our well meaning friend as our child screams inconsolably in our arms. “What did you eat? You do know that broccoli, garlic, peanut butter, and eggs –just to name the obvious– are on the banned list while breastfeeding, don’t you?”
Oh no! Why don’t I know this important information? you think, feeling panic bubble up from within. How am I ever going to handle being a parent when I don’t know even the most basic of things?
The point is, parenting comes with loads of uncertainties that many of us are completely unprepared for. While our well meaning friends, family members, and professionals are trying to be helpful, they are actually starting a trend that will continue throughout most of our parenting journey. It is a trend that suggests we should know how to be good parents, and if we don’t we are failing to meet the mark.
When my first born was just a few weeks old the public health nurse came to visit me. She was kind, supportive, and full of great information. Before she left she told me to start giving my son a daily vitamin. This sounded simple as well as healthy, so I had my husband pick some up on his was home from work.
Armed with the nurse’s instructions, I took the required dosage of vitamin and squirted a little bit into my son’s cheek. He spit it out immediately and started to fuss. Since the nurse had said babies loved the taste I decided he was just surprised by the sweetness and squirted the rest of the tiny dose into his cheek. He spit out what he could, screamed, sucked in the sticky syrup, and started to choke.
A panicked expression came over his face as he struggled for breath. I patted his back then flipped him over into the CPR choking baby position, but he continued to struggle for breath. Not knowing what to do, I tried to feed him and thankfully he latched on and washed away the syrup. The whole incident took about a minute and in that time I went from a fairly confident mother of a newborn to a quivering, emotional failure.
When the nurse visited again, she listened to my traumatic story, laughed, and told me I must give him the vitamin anyway. “He’ll stop fighting you once he realizes you mean business.”
Parents are often given this kind of advice. Ignore your inner voice, ignore your child’s protests and do as you have been told. Afraid of making a critical mistake we obey and then wonder where we have failed when things don’t go as planned.
As far as my son is concerned I made a couple more unsuccessful attempts to give him the vitamin before giving up completely. When the nurse asked how it was going, I lied and said all was fine. Yes, I was riddled with guilt and wondered if I was damaging my son for life, but I had to believe that not having vitamins was better for him than daily trauma.
He’s fifteen now and while he does behave erratically at times he’s a healthy kid displaying regular teenage behaviours. I have gained a lot more confidence as a parent and while I’m still far from perfect, I take comfort in knowing none of us will ever reach that status.
I continue to try and do the best I can with what I know and listen to both my children and my inner voice. I research when necessary and search for advice that works with my value system. Most of all, I hold tight to Eleanor Roosevelt’s words of wisdom, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” and try not to feel like a failure every time something goes wrong in my parenting experience.
“What’s wrong with him?” asks our well meaning friend as our child screams inconsolably in our arms. “What did you eat? You do know that broccoli, garlic, peanut butter, and eggs –just to name the obvious– are on the banned list while breastfeeding, don’t you?”
Oh no! Why don’t I know this important information? you think, feeling panic bubble up from within. How am I ever going to handle being a parent when I don’t know even the most basic of things?
The point is, parenting comes with loads of uncertainties that many of us are completely unprepared for. While our well meaning friends, family members, and professionals are trying to be helpful, they are actually starting a trend that will continue throughout most of our parenting journey. It is a trend that suggests we should know how to be good parents, and if we don’t we are failing to meet the mark.
When my first born was just a few weeks old the public health nurse came to visit me. She was kind, supportive, and full of great information. Before she left she told me to start giving my son a daily vitamin. This sounded simple as well as healthy, so I had my husband pick some up on his was home from work.
Armed with the nurse’s instructions, I took the required dosage of vitamin and squirted a little bit into my son’s cheek. He spit it out immediately and started to fuss. Since the nurse had said babies loved the taste I decided he was just surprised by the sweetness and squirted the rest of the tiny dose into his cheek. He spit out what he could, screamed, sucked in the sticky syrup, and started to choke.
A panicked expression came over his face as he struggled for breath. I patted his back then flipped him over into the CPR choking baby position, but he continued to struggle for breath. Not knowing what to do, I tried to feed him and thankfully he latched on and washed away the syrup. The whole incident took about a minute and in that time I went from a fairly confident mother of a newborn to a quivering, emotional failure.
When the nurse visited again, she listened to my traumatic story, laughed, and told me I must give him the vitamin anyway. “He’ll stop fighting you once he realizes you mean business.”
Parents are often given this kind of advice. Ignore your inner voice, ignore your child’s protests and do as you have been told. Afraid of making a critical mistake we obey and then wonder where we have failed when things don’t go as planned.
As far as my son is concerned I made a couple more unsuccessful attempts to give him the vitamin before giving up completely. When the nurse asked how it was going, I lied and said all was fine. Yes, I was riddled with guilt and wondered if I was damaging my son for life, but I had to believe that not having vitamins was better for him than daily trauma.
He’s fifteen now and while he does behave erratically at times he’s a healthy kid displaying regular teenage behaviours. I have gained a lot more confidence as a parent and while I’m still far from perfect, I take comfort in knowing none of us will ever reach that status.
I continue to try and do the best I can with what I know and listen to both my children and my inner voice. I research when necessary and search for advice that works with my value system. Most of all, I hold tight to Eleanor Roosevelt’s words of wisdom, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” and try not to feel like a failure every time something goes wrong in my parenting experience.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Sibling Rivalry; Five ways to ensure you aren’t adding to the problem
There are many things we accidentally do as parents or teachers that encourage kids to fight. Knowing what these are helps us avoid participating in them and adding fuel to the fire. Putting these five ideas into practice will help you decrease unnecessary arguments.
1. Encourage telling, discourage tattling: Tattling is one of the most frustrating behaviours kids do. Understanding the difference between tattling and telling is an important life skill, yet many of us fail to teach it.
Our kids need to understand two simple points:
· Telling is when you are trying to get someone out of danger or trouble
· Tattling is when you are trying to get someone into trouble
Responses that encourage tattling:
“What! Lisa was told to stay inside… you tell her to come and see me right now!”
“Who made this mess? Tell me right now or no story time for anyone.”
“Bart, did you pinch Lisa? That’s mean and unacceptable behaviour…”
Responses that discourage tattling:
“Are you trying to get Lisa into trouble or out of trouble?”
“This mess will need to be cleaned up before story time.”
“Lisa, do you need some ice (or a hug) for that bruise?”
“Do you need my help to tell Bart how you feel about him pinching you?”
Don’t get upset with kids for tattling, they do it because it can be very rewarding. Try to focus on keeping the door to communication open (i.e. responding respectfully) while guiding them in the right direction.
2. Let bygones be bygones: Think carefully before demanding an explanation when breaking up a disagreement between your kids. We often provide much sought after attention by asking questions and, without a video, may never know the truth. It’s better to calmly do what needs to be done (console a hurt child, focus on clean up, discipline the kids) and forego the investigation. You can ask questions later if you feel you must, but understand you may never know the real story.
3. Stay on the fence: It takes two to tango and even the most innocent seeming child can be the instigator. You give that child a taste of negative power when you side with him or her. Discipline them both and they’ll soon learn not to involve you unless absolutely necessary (see Five tips to decrease the fighting for ideas). Of course when you witness the interaction and know one person is responsible, deal with it accordingly, just be careful you are not choosing favorites.
4. Small reactions give bigger results: When you must remove one it is often more effective to take the one who is hurt. Refrain from making a big deal about it or you teach the kids it pays to yell loudest. Instead, remove the hurt child with a calm statement like, “Bart and I will work on his problem solving skills later, let’s you and I go put some ice on that bruise right now.” If neither child is hurt you might ask, “Can you two work this out or do you need me involved?”
5. Let them think: When we ask kids to come up with solutions we offer an opportunity to learn. Unfortunately it’s often easier to tell them what to do instead. Many kids would prefer we do all the work…but then what are they learning? The more work they do, the less likely they are to slip back into fighting mode the next time.
Two examples of ways to keep the kids thinking are: “Bart, can you think of an acceptable way to work out this disagreement with your sister?” or “It sounds like you two might need a cooling off period before you can play together nicely, do you need my help setting that up?”
Using the above ideas won’t stop kids from disagreeing, but it will provide them with an understanding of how much you are willing to be involved in their squabbles. It also allows them an opportunity to practice skills that will be important in every relationship they have.
1. Encourage telling, discourage tattling: Tattling is one of the most frustrating behaviours kids do. Understanding the difference between tattling and telling is an important life skill, yet many of us fail to teach it.
Our kids need to understand two simple points:
· Telling is when you are trying to get someone out of danger or trouble
· Tattling is when you are trying to get someone into trouble
Responses that encourage tattling:
“What! Lisa was told to stay inside… you tell her to come and see me right now!”
“Who made this mess? Tell me right now or no story time for anyone.”
“Bart, did you pinch Lisa? That’s mean and unacceptable behaviour…”
Responses that discourage tattling:
“Are you trying to get Lisa into trouble or out of trouble?”
“This mess will need to be cleaned up before story time.”
“Lisa, do you need some ice (or a hug) for that bruise?”
“Do you need my help to tell Bart how you feel about him pinching you?”
Don’t get upset with kids for tattling, they do it because it can be very rewarding. Try to focus on keeping the door to communication open (i.e. responding respectfully) while guiding them in the right direction.
2. Let bygones be bygones: Think carefully before demanding an explanation when breaking up a disagreement between your kids. We often provide much sought after attention by asking questions and, without a video, may never know the truth. It’s better to calmly do what needs to be done (console a hurt child, focus on clean up, discipline the kids) and forego the investigation. You can ask questions later if you feel you must, but understand you may never know the real story.
3. Stay on the fence: It takes two to tango and even the most innocent seeming child can be the instigator. You give that child a taste of negative power when you side with him or her. Discipline them both and they’ll soon learn not to involve you unless absolutely necessary (see Five tips to decrease the fighting for ideas). Of course when you witness the interaction and know one person is responsible, deal with it accordingly, just be careful you are not choosing favorites.
4. Small reactions give bigger results: When you must remove one it is often more effective to take the one who is hurt. Refrain from making a big deal about it or you teach the kids it pays to yell loudest. Instead, remove the hurt child with a calm statement like, “Bart and I will work on his problem solving skills later, let’s you and I go put some ice on that bruise right now.” If neither child is hurt you might ask, “Can you two work this out or do you need me involved?”
5. Let them think: When we ask kids to come up with solutions we offer an opportunity to learn. Unfortunately it’s often easier to tell them what to do instead. Many kids would prefer we do all the work…but then what are they learning? The more work they do, the less likely they are to slip back into fighting mode the next time.
Two examples of ways to keep the kids thinking are: “Bart, can you think of an acceptable way to work out this disagreement with your sister?” or “It sounds like you two might need a cooling off period before you can play together nicely, do you need my help setting that up?”
Using the above ideas won’t stop kids from disagreeing, but it will provide them with an understanding of how much you are willing to be involved in their squabbles. It also allows them an opportunity to practice skills that will be important in every relationship they have.
Sibling Rivalry; Five tips to decrease the fighting
When our kids have been taught skills to work out disagreements and been made aware of family rules, we are in a good place to limit our involvement in their disagreements and as a result decrease the amount of bickering in our homes. Here are five tips to help you do this:
1. Discuss any changes you are making with everyone ahead of time. Be calm and allow the kids to question the process. Adapt the wording to fit the maturity level of your kids. “You all have skills for working out disagreements with each other and from here on in I’m going to let you practice them. Remember our house rules and understand it will always be in your best interest to work things out without involving me.”
2. When your kids start to argue, remove yourself from the listening zone. Acknowledge their disagreement and leave: “I know you two can work this out.” Disappear into your bedroom, bathroom – anywhere they can’t easily follow you. Read, exercise, or write a shopping list, whatever works to distract you. If the kids were after your attention the disagreement will quickly fizzle out.
3. When you don’t want to leave the room or can’t (i.e. in the car), use a statement like the one above and then put on your earphones, turn up the radio, sing, read (or pretend to)…whatever it takes so they know you aren’t willing to participate.
4. Put a time limit on how long they have to work it out before you step in and decide for them. “You have five minutes to work this out and then I will make the decision for you.” Ignore them for the stated amount of time. If they work it out, compliment them and move on. If they are still arguing when the time is up, make the decision – which is final – and is never in favor of either child. Your job at this point is not to help them both be happy… if you do this it will be your job for life!If they were arguing over a movie you might decide “no movie”… or a movie you know they both dislike. If they were fighting over name calling you might insist they both say three nice things about each other. If they try to argue with you add in three nice things about you too. If they refuse, send them off on their own (i.e. to their room) and only allow them to return when they have their nice things ready.
5. If you can tell things are escalating too fast, give less time (i.e. ten to thirty seconds) to work it out and then step in. They need some time to try and find their self control, but too much time could result in serious damage. After the allotted time calmly step in and use ideas like the following:“You two just can’t seem to get along right now. Brianna, grab your book and sit here, Stephanie, take your drawing stuff to the kitchen and work there. Let me know when you think you’re ready to work together again.” “You two need to sit down and neither of you may get up until the other one gives you permission to do so.” Or “You two can both go to your rooms and may not come out until the other one says it’s okay for you to do so.”You may need to put something on the line to keep them from ignoring you (i.e. a privilege like TV time). These strategies work because the kids must work together (i.e. give each other permission) before they can move on.
A few extra pointers to ensure success with these tactics:
During the initial meeting discuss what will happen if the argument keeps resurfacing. A parent imposed consequence might be necessary.
Apologies are welcome but not a requirement of the process. Forced apologies are worthless and cause more grief than they are worth.
Stay calm and enforce consequences. If you get angry the focus shifts from skill development to punishment to resentment.
Be prepared for the kids and to test this change. Be strong and know that what you are doing is definitely in everyone’s best interest.
Disagreements are part of every day life…it is critical our kids develop skills to help them deal with conflicts. If we can teach our kids how to work out their disagreements with each other, over time we will require our referee whistle less and less and our kids will be better people for it.
1. Discuss any changes you are making with everyone ahead of time. Be calm and allow the kids to question the process. Adapt the wording to fit the maturity level of your kids. “You all have skills for working out disagreements with each other and from here on in I’m going to let you practice them. Remember our house rules and understand it will always be in your best interest to work things out without involving me.”
2. When your kids start to argue, remove yourself from the listening zone. Acknowledge their disagreement and leave: “I know you two can work this out.” Disappear into your bedroom, bathroom – anywhere they can’t easily follow you. Read, exercise, or write a shopping list, whatever works to distract you. If the kids were after your attention the disagreement will quickly fizzle out.
3. When you don’t want to leave the room or can’t (i.e. in the car), use a statement like the one above and then put on your earphones, turn up the radio, sing, read (or pretend to)…whatever it takes so they know you aren’t willing to participate.
4. Put a time limit on how long they have to work it out before you step in and decide for them. “You have five minutes to work this out and then I will make the decision for you.” Ignore them for the stated amount of time. If they work it out, compliment them and move on. If they are still arguing when the time is up, make the decision – which is final – and is never in favor of either child. Your job at this point is not to help them both be happy… if you do this it will be your job for life!If they were arguing over a movie you might decide “no movie”… or a movie you know they both dislike. If they were fighting over name calling you might insist they both say three nice things about each other. If they try to argue with you add in three nice things about you too. If they refuse, send them off on their own (i.e. to their room) and only allow them to return when they have their nice things ready.
5. If you can tell things are escalating too fast, give less time (i.e. ten to thirty seconds) to work it out and then step in. They need some time to try and find their self control, but too much time could result in serious damage. After the allotted time calmly step in and use ideas like the following:“You two just can’t seem to get along right now. Brianna, grab your book and sit here, Stephanie, take your drawing stuff to the kitchen and work there. Let me know when you think you’re ready to work together again.” “You two need to sit down and neither of you may get up until the other one gives you permission to do so.” Or “You two can both go to your rooms and may not come out until the other one says it’s okay for you to do so.”You may need to put something on the line to keep them from ignoring you (i.e. a privilege like TV time). These strategies work because the kids must work together (i.e. give each other permission) before they can move on.
A few extra pointers to ensure success with these tactics:
During the initial meeting discuss what will happen if the argument keeps resurfacing. A parent imposed consequence might be necessary.
Apologies are welcome but not a requirement of the process. Forced apologies are worthless and cause more grief than they are worth.
Stay calm and enforce consequences. If you get angry the focus shifts from skill development to punishment to resentment.
Be prepared for the kids and to test this change. Be strong and know that what you are doing is definitely in everyone’s best interest.
Disagreements are part of every day life…it is critical our kids develop skills to help them deal with conflicts. If we can teach our kids how to work out their disagreements with each other, over time we will require our referee whistle less and less and our kids will be better people for it.
Sibling Rivalry; Teaching kids how to fight with skill
When kids fight to get our attention we can respond in one of three ways:
- We can react to their arguing, get involved, and reward them for this irritating and unwelcome behaviour.
- We can completely ignore them, hope they work it out without bloodshed, and allow them to perhaps damage their relationship to the point of no return.
- We can provide them with the skills and boundaries required to work out their disagreement effectively and then remove ourselves from the role of referee.
I’m a strong supporter of the third alternative as I believe it allows our children to learn important life skills and also provides us with an escape from their fighting. Before we can do this, however, we must make sure a couple of important pieces are firmly in place.
The first thing we need to do is ensure we have clear family boundaries. Boundaries are like the bottom line behaviours that will not be tolerated in our families. When it comes to sibling rivalry it is important to ensure our kids know what these are and what the consequences will be if they ignore them. Examples of things we might enforce are:
- Nothing physical: no hitting, biting, kicking, etc. You don’t have to create a long list of all the possible physical things, but instead make it simple and enforce it consistently.
- No destruction of the other’s property: destroying other people’s property damages trust and often creates a “revengeful” mindset.
- No bullying behaviours: when you force someone to do your bidding by using size, strength, age, or other power to create fear, you are bullying.
When our kids are aware of our boundaries and the rules that enforce them, they will understand they are always in place, even when their sister or brother is pushing them to the limit.
The second thing we need to do before we can leave our kids to work it out alone, is to teach them acceptable skills. From a young age we can help them solve disagreements by modeling respectful communication and offering to help when they are stuck. As they mature, we wean them from our help so they can practice. The goal is to help them learn a variety of skills so when conflict arises they have tools to deal with it.
There are many different tools you can teach, but a few examples are: conflict resolution, problem solving, I-messages, being assertive, compromising, synergizing, negotiating, empathizing and respectful listening. A later article will go into more detail on these skills if you’re not familiar with them, but for now start with what you do know and pay attention to what you are teaching.
A benefit of sibling rivalry is the opportunity to practice life skills. It is our job as parents to set up the boundaries to keep the fighting respectful and to provide the skills our children can use to work it out. With these pieces firmly in place, we still might not enjoy it, but at least we know our kids are actually benefiting from their time in the ring.
Sibling Rivalry; Why Kids Fight
Childhood is a time of learning and growing. A time when mistakes are made, boundaries are pushed and problems are solved. These challenges continue into adulthood, the only difference is, once we are adults people expect us to have learned some skills to deal with them.
Whether we like it or not, our kids learn most of these skills from watching us. When they see us lose our self-control to anger, or watch us calmly work our way through a problem, they are taking the information in and filing it away for future use.
When our children disagree we are being given an opportunity to really help them grow and learn. Unfortunately, many of us see these disagreements as a frustrating problem and deal with it by yelling, threatening, or punishing them for their behaviour. When we do this we are missing a great opportunity and actually creating further conflict.
The opposite extreme is when we witness their fighting and write it off as normal or unavoidable sibling behaviour. This can work out okay, if the children are naturally born with some skills, but if they are not (which is much more common) it can lead to frustration, anger, and resentment. Over time this can become damaging to their relationship with each other and with us.
Our goal when our children argue is to see these disagreements as a way to practice skill development. When we do this we remove most of the frustration and instead model the behaviours we would really like them to learn. The wonderful side-effect of doing this is that many of the petty arguments will disappear.
A later article will look at tips for dealing with the rivalry. This article is aimed at helping parents understand some of the reasons for the fights. When we are aware of why our kids are fighting it becomes easier for us to maintain our self-control.
Common reasons kids argue:
· To get attention
· They feel an injustice has been done
· They spend a lot of time together
· The family is a safe group to vent frustrations on
· Their social skills are still developing
· They are tired, hot, hungry, stressed, grouchy or otherwise bothered
· They are full of energy and really enjoy the physical release
These reasons are understandable and provide perfect opportunities to do some teaching. While we might feel frustrated that our child is such an “attention-hound”, it does let us know that giving him attention for this kind of behaviour will not work in our favour. It also tells us that if we can teach him other (more positive) ways to get our attention our time with him will be more enjoyable.
If he feels an injustice has been done, it gives us an opportunity to turn judgment into curiosity and perhaps fix a misunderstanding. If our child craves physical outlets for his energy we might enroll him in recreational activity to help him do this. There is a lot of helpful information that comes from understanding why our children are going after each other. We just have to be aware of what’s going on.
It is important when looking at this list that we do not write off our kids’ behaviours as acceptable, just because it is understandable. A tired or hungry child, still needs to control her behaviour and part of our job is to help her understand that. As well, even though the family is a safe place to vent, it is not okay to treat people disrespectfully, even if it is your irritating little sister.
There are a few other reasons that kids will fight which tend to be a bit more serious in nature:
· Personality conflict
· To feel powerful
· They are jealous of their sibling
· They have a chemical imbalance that is interfering with their regular behaviour
· The have learned it is fun and are becoming a bully
These reasons are more serious, and, left alone, can result in damaging situations. They are harder to correct and can have very negative results if you do not. If you believe you are dealing with issues from this grouping it can be helpful to get assistance from professionals. Parent Educators, Social Workers or Family Centres are a few of the places you might go to seek help.
If you are uncertain what the cause of your children’s fighting might be you have a couple of options. You can seek out help to identify the cause, or try some of the generic techniques offered first (available in future articles). Then if the problem persists or gets worse over time, go for help.
Whatever you decide to do, it is beneficial to remember that siblings will have disagreements while they are growing up. This does not make them bad or defective and does not turn you into a bad parent. On the contrary these situations are gifts. They are opportunities to teach and practice important, life-long skills.
So while we might not celebrate sibling rivalry… at the very least hopefully we can see there are some positives.
Whether we like it or not, our kids learn most of these skills from watching us. When they see us lose our self-control to anger, or watch us calmly work our way through a problem, they are taking the information in and filing it away for future use.
When our children disagree we are being given an opportunity to really help them grow and learn. Unfortunately, many of us see these disagreements as a frustrating problem and deal with it by yelling, threatening, or punishing them for their behaviour. When we do this we are missing a great opportunity and actually creating further conflict.
The opposite extreme is when we witness their fighting and write it off as normal or unavoidable sibling behaviour. This can work out okay, if the children are naturally born with some skills, but if they are not (which is much more common) it can lead to frustration, anger, and resentment. Over time this can become damaging to their relationship with each other and with us.
Our goal when our children argue is to see these disagreements as a way to practice skill development. When we do this we remove most of the frustration and instead model the behaviours we would really like them to learn. The wonderful side-effect of doing this is that many of the petty arguments will disappear.
A later article will look at tips for dealing with the rivalry. This article is aimed at helping parents understand some of the reasons for the fights. When we are aware of why our kids are fighting it becomes easier for us to maintain our self-control.
Common reasons kids argue:
· To get attention
· They feel an injustice has been done
· They spend a lot of time together
· The family is a safe group to vent frustrations on
· Their social skills are still developing
· They are tired, hot, hungry, stressed, grouchy or otherwise bothered
· They are full of energy and really enjoy the physical release
These reasons are understandable and provide perfect opportunities to do some teaching. While we might feel frustrated that our child is such an “attention-hound”, it does let us know that giving him attention for this kind of behaviour will not work in our favour. It also tells us that if we can teach him other (more positive) ways to get our attention our time with him will be more enjoyable.
If he feels an injustice has been done, it gives us an opportunity to turn judgment into curiosity and perhaps fix a misunderstanding. If our child craves physical outlets for his energy we might enroll him in recreational activity to help him do this. There is a lot of helpful information that comes from understanding why our children are going after each other. We just have to be aware of what’s going on.
It is important when looking at this list that we do not write off our kids’ behaviours as acceptable, just because it is understandable. A tired or hungry child, still needs to control her behaviour and part of our job is to help her understand that. As well, even though the family is a safe place to vent, it is not okay to treat people disrespectfully, even if it is your irritating little sister.
There are a few other reasons that kids will fight which tend to be a bit more serious in nature:
· Personality conflict
· To feel powerful
· They are jealous of their sibling
· They have a chemical imbalance that is interfering with their regular behaviour
· The have learned it is fun and are becoming a bully
These reasons are more serious, and, left alone, can result in damaging situations. They are harder to correct and can have very negative results if you do not. If you believe you are dealing with issues from this grouping it can be helpful to get assistance from professionals. Parent Educators, Social Workers or Family Centres are a few of the places you might go to seek help.
If you are uncertain what the cause of your children’s fighting might be you have a couple of options. You can seek out help to identify the cause, or try some of the generic techniques offered first (available in future articles). Then if the problem persists or gets worse over time, go for help.
Whatever you decide to do, it is beneficial to remember that siblings will have disagreements while they are growing up. This does not make them bad or defective and does not turn you into a bad parent. On the contrary these situations are gifts. They are opportunities to teach and practice important, life-long skills.
So while we might not celebrate sibling rivalry… at the very least hopefully we can see there are some positives.
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