Responsible Kids; Deciding When to Pass the Torch

When our children are young we make a lot of decisions for them. What they can eat, when they should sleep, how long they should stay outside, how much TV or video time they can handle and so on. We also create rules and limitations about certain behaviours in an effort to keep our kids safe. Making these decisions and getting our kids to do what we decide is not always easy, but most of us recognize it as an important part of our job.

The theory is that as our kids grow our restrictions and limitations will start to ease off, and our kids will be allowed to make more of their own decisions. They’ll do this based on the guidance we have given them along with their own ability to think through consequences and possible dangers.

If we succeed with this task we will raise happy, well-adjusted, independent thinkers who, by the time they are adults, will be ready to make good, informed, decisions and contribute to society in a healthy way.

As with most theories, things do not always work out this way.

For one thing, deciding when our kids are mature enough to try riskier behaviours is really tough. Things like; filling their own glass, playing unsupervised, being alone in the bathroom, lighting a candle, cutting with a sharp knife, or pouring hot liquids, just to name a few. There are no obvious markers telling us when our kids are ready to do these things without starting a major fire, getting into something dangerous or cutting off their fingers.

Additionally, if we allow our kids a chance to try these things and an accident occurs… many of us feel responsible for misjudging our child’s ability and putting him in dangers way. If there’s a hospital visit involved we’re often embarrassed or afraid that someone will mark us as an unfit parent. Even when it’s something we can handle at home, we are often hit with self-doubt and start second guessing our ability to do this job. As a result, after an accident such as this, many parents are hesitant to allow their child another chance to take a risk.

Yet, when you think about it, even adults have accidents. We leave elements on, slice our fingers, fall down stairs, burn ourselves and so on. This means if we are waiting until our kids are definitely ready with no risk of accident, we might be doing this job forever.

I am a strong believer that to teach people how to do things for themselves we have to give them opportunities to practice—make mistakes—and grow from those situations. I do not believe a certain age will suddenly equal ability or create an interest in something they might not have been mature enough to handle the day before.

For example, where I live children are not allowed to be left alone until they are twelve years old. Interestingly at twelve they are also assumed capable of looking after other—younger children (there are some exceptions for siblings). Does this make sense? If you can’t be left on your own when you are eleven and the next day you turn twelve, how do you suddenly know how to look after yourself… never mind kids younger than you?

Of course with proper leadership and practice a child can be more than ready on their twelfth birthday to take on this responsibility (some are fully capable at ten!), but it is not turning twelve that made that happen. The same is true for working with a stove top, lighting a fire, cutting up food with sharp knives, etc.

Knowing when and how to pass our child the torch is something every parent will eventually face. There is no simple answer as every family situation is a little different and therefore unique to the people involved.

There are a few things that will definitely make the process easier, like;

· allowing kids to make realistic choices from a young age
· role modeling safe practices
· explaining dangers in language appropriate terms
· allowing lots of supervised practice

It is also helpful to build strong relationships based on mutual respect so our kids won’t fear telling us when they make a mistake. This allows them to come to us when the knife has slipped rather than trying to staunch their bleeding thumb on their own.

In the end, we as parents have to make these decisions on an individual basis. Some kids will seem ready to accept the torch earlier than the “socially acceptable” age. Other’s will take much longer and might always appear at risk of starting fires along the way. In both cases, there are never any guarantees that mistakes will not be made.

There is a lot of benefit to letting your child know that he can handle anything and if he is not ready now to use the stove (knife, pour hot liquid…) on his own, you have no doubt with practice he will get there. This, of course, is what life is all about.

We make mistakes even as adults… and as it turns out, it’s this fear of making the wrong decision and messing up that causes many of us to fail to pass the torch in the first place.