The Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan never fails to remind me of how qualities, skills and behaviours important to being a good dog owner, overlap with those that will help us be effective as parents.
Here are just five of the beautiful parallels I’ve picked up from Cesar’s show:
1) Use calm, assertive energy. People and animals pick up on our energy and react accordingly. If you are pretending to be happy, when inside you are seething or fearful you are not fooling anyone. Calm assertive energy is not weak, nor threatening. It tells the other you mean business and are fully in control of yourself. When our child’s emotions are escalating and we start getting riled up as well, we make the situation much worse than it needs to be.
2) Establish who’s boss. I can feel the hackles going up on some people when they read these words, but hear me out. With dogs this means letting the dog know you are in charge and ultimately they need to live by your rules. You are Alpha and to be in your pack they must accept this. With kids it is only slightly different. When our kids are little they do need to recognize us as boss and when it comes to things like safety, we need them to obey. The difference is with kids we are “grooming” them to eventually take over the boss position in their own lives, which means in many situations it is not imperative that we win. Choose your battles wisely and teach your child to stand up for her own beliefs in an assertive way, while still respecting and understanding authority.
3) Use a clear, consistent message. Figure out your main rules, teach them and enforce them. If the rule is “No going in the pool without permission”, and your water loving dog is jumping in uninvited at any given opportunity, Cesar suggests you teach him he must wait for your permission to enter. Correct him every time he tries to go in on his own so he learns to watch you before going in. With children it is essential we teach them what our rules are and then consistently enforce them. If it’s not important enough to enforce, do NOT have it as a rule. Your young child might not understand why she can’t go in the pool when you’re not around, but she needs to know it is important she not do so.
4) Plan for success. Cesar talks about taking the time to exercise, feed and share affection with your dog – twice daily, but especially – before taking him to something stressful or new. This way you are dealing with a relaxed, content dog instead of one filled with intense energy. Again with kids this is good practice as a child filled with excited energy is going to struggle with sitting still at the doctor’s office, their sibling’s concert, or a restaurant. Just like with our dog, our child’s body language can tell us much about what might be about to come. Preventing our child’s blow-out by having toys, snacks and other attention grabbers available can make the difference between an enjoyable evening and one that ends in tears.
5) Work in the present. This is one of Cesar’s most powerful messages (in my opinion) – a dog does not benefit by people dwelling on the awfulness he might have experienced in his past. We hurt him more by feeling sorry for him, expecting less of him and coddling him because of previous injury or trauma. Focus on the present and believe in the kind of dog he instinctually is. The same is true with people. People do not get stronger when we feel sorry for them and dwell on the things they’ve been through. This doesn’t mean we can’t hug a hurt child, or console a newly broken-up teen, but it does mean if we see her as wounded or to teach her to blame others for her situation we will not help her embrace her inner power and be strengthened. Teach your kids to take only the teachings from the past and then embrace their power in the present.
In closing, there are definitely areas of dog rearing that are going to differ from raising children. We would not, for example, wrestle our kids into the submissive position on the ground, tie a leash around their necks or stick tennis racquets in their mouths to stop biting. But with a little bit of good sense anyone can see there are plenty of positive parallels for us to learn from.
Relationships are built on things like respect, communication, consistency, trust, acceptance, etc., and it appears this is true whether we are dealing with a dog or a child. So if you’re not sure about your ability as a parent, take a look at your dog…perhaps there are some lessons there you can learn from.
Note: This article expresses the understanding of the author and not necessary that of Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer.
Debbie Pokornik is the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures; Embrace Your Natural Guidance and helps people embrace their personal power in all aspects of life. More information can be found at http://www.empoweringnrg.com/ . She is an avid fan of Cesar Millan and puts a lot of positive energy into being the Alpha with her dog and her kids.
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