Parent Power is the authority given to us as parents to enforce rules and boundaries with our children in order to teach them right from wrong. It gives us permission to get things done using the power of our position and acts like a bottom line that suggests we can indeed “make our kids” do something.
To some of us this sounds terrible – who are we to force our kids to comply? To others it sounds fantastic – you’re darn rights my kids better listen to me. In reality Parent Power is neither good nor bad. It is there by virtue of our role as parents and how we use it can make all the difference in our growing relationship with our child.
Important things to know about Parent Power:
• Used carefully it can be extremely helpful. It allows us to respectfully guide our kids towards appropriate behaviour and build good, strong relationships with them at the same time.
• It must be used by a calm, controlled parent to be effective. Any time we overreact and “lose it” we diminish our Parent Power
• It relies on our children believing in this power for it to work.
• As our kids grow older our Parent Power naturally decreases. By the time our kids are teenagers we must rely on the mutual respect we have built with them to gain their cooperation.
• Used in a negative way Parent Power can cause our kids to tune us out, call our bluff, comply out of fear, or, in extreme circumstances, be removed from our home. It is very difficult to respect a person who lacks self control and uses their power unfairly.
• Because Parent Power is most often used behind closed doors, there is plenty of opportunity to misuse or overuse it.
Recognizing Parent Power
Some common phrases or actions we might use to flex our Parent Power muscle are:
• Because I said so…
• I am your parent and you’ll do as I say
• I have told you to do something and you need to listen to me
• As long as you are under my roof
• Use a loud or authoritative voice
• Intentionally tower over our little one to give our words more power
• Shoot an “I mean business” look at our child to gain compliance
• Use our strength to force our child to do something we’ve asked him to do (i.e. go to his bedroom)
These are not necessarily bad things for us to do. There are times when we need to gain our kid's compliance and in cases where they have decided not to listen this is how we do it. Those parents with a very full parenting pack of strategies and techniques, might rarely (if ever) get to the above examples, but I guarantee they use this power in some other way.
Where it becomes a problem is when we start using this power just to get our way without doing any of the teaching or mentoring that is required in between. Our goal as parents is to teach our kids how to think so they can make good sound decisions on their own. We cannot do this by regularly using power comments or actions just to get our way.
Using your Parent Power is not a bad thing – it has been given to you as a tool to use. My next article will talk about positive ways to use Parent Power, but for now just becoming aware of how and when you are using it can tune you in to what you are teaching and whether or not you are building the relationship you really would like to have with your child.
So think about your use of Parent Power and by all means leave me comments, questions or stories as you see fit.
