Have you ever had one of those moments when you correct your child in a way that feels totally wrong and fills you with regret? You know…where you yell too loudly, grab too roughly or say something that previously would have been totally unacceptable?
We all have limits that we live within—our boundaries that determine acceptable and unacceptable behaviours. When we cross that line, we have reached our limit in more ways than one…and once we cross it we feel terrible!
But what if I told you these situations that fill us with so much guilt and cause us to wonder if we have ruined our child for life, are actually opportunities for us and our children to grow? When we use these opportunities to reflect on what we have done and take strides to make amends, we actually strengthen our relationship with our child. It is only when we ignore the situation and “stuff” the resulting feelings that we risk becoming desensitized and derailing from our goals as a parent.
From a personal perspective, these situations cause us to reflect on our lack of control; to think about the bigger picture and hence why we don’t want to parent that way; and to recognize areas where we might need help. Perhaps our stress at work is squeezing its way into our home life, or perhaps our stress is resulting from our home and work life being virtually the same thing. Upon deeper reflection we might recognize a pattern developing or a trigger that is causing our blow-up. We might discover something from our upbringing sneaking its way into our current world or that our own lack of experience is causing a situation to get out of control.
In short, taking time to think about why the situation occurred can help us recognize when we need a break, or when some personal development is required.
From our child’s perspective this situation allows us an opportunity to give our child a genuine apology—no buts, excuses, or blaming included. It allows us to show him we are in fact human (and therefore do make mistakes) and to model self awareness. All of these are critical life skills that our child will definitely need at some point in his life. Our kids learn more from what we do than what we say. Showing him these skills in action is a beneficial outcome of this situation.
So the next time you find yourself flying off the handle and behaving in a way you’d be very embarrassed to have go public, recognize it as an opportunity to teach, learn and grow. Your being bothered by these situations is a good thing and suggests you are not the kind of parent that would use these ideas to excuse reoccurring behaviours of this nature. The fact that you are human is a good thing…it’s when you start beating yourself up for being human that it becomes a problem.
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