When my kids were younger I was very careful about the kind of food they ate and how often they could eat it. They had very little processed stuff and rarely ate white sugar. When Halloween came around however, all of that changed.
In the beginning I wanted to control the candy intake and restricted the amount they could have. This was quite a job and I quickly realized it wasn't worth the effort. I decided to do something different and set up a deal.
The deal was that when they came home with their huge satchel of items (we live in the country so the bounty is huge) we would go through and throw out anything with Aspartame or similar substances. Colas were given to Dad to take to work and other can drinks were put away for later. The kids then divided their candy up into a pile of everything they liked (or thought they would like) and anything they didn't like. The stuff they didn't like was put in a bag to go to our local food bank. On occasion I would buy some of their might like items for a nickel a piece as a further incentive to let stuff go.
Armed with their bag of favorites, the first holiday (i.e. Saturday) after Halloween my kids celebrated what we called candy day. This was a day when they could eat as much candy as they wanted, starting as early as they wanted. The only rules were that all wrappers (or other evidence of the candy fest) had to be put in the garbage and that no matter how much sugar (and other things) they put in their bodies they had to maintain their self-control (i.e. you could not go ballistic and start fighting with each other just because you were feeling the jitters)
The first time we did this, I really thought my kids would feel sick and never want to over do it like that again. I thought they wouldn't eat anything but candy until supper and would quicly become cranky and rude. I was wrong.
They ate a tonne of candy, still ate every healthy meal that was offered that day and never lost control of their behaviour. They had a lot of fun playing games all day and at the end of the day went to bed tired, but happy. No ill effects were noticed even a week after the fact.
Best of all, by the end of the day their candy--or at least all their favorites--were gone and that huge pull the sack of goods would normally have over them completely disappeared.
I learned from this little experiment that sometimes its fun to just let go of the rules and enjoy the reality of the moment. My kids love candy day and still talk about it every year. Being teenagers their diets have taken quite a dive, but I have faith that the healthy start they were given in life will still benefit them. I also believe that this little experiment has allowed them to create happy memories of the days following Halloween and I'm not sure that would have been the case if we hadn't gone in this direction.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Being assertive: How to stand up for yourself, what it looks like and how to do it
Assertiveness is an important life skill that benefits all of us when used. My previous article on assertiveness explained what it is and why it’s important. This article is focused on giving the “how to” pieces and can be used for self-practice and to teach this skill to kids.
One important note… some pieces of assertiveness are culture specific (eye contact, language structure). You may adapt to fit your cultural norms as long as you maintain the strength of body and message.
The stance: Practice an assertive body by pretending you are wearing a cape and a crown. Shoulders and head are held in a strong, confident position with the shoulders up and back (a slight puffing of the chest), while the head is held high and proud. Lowering of the head in a submissive gesture will result in the crown toppling to the ground, while raising the nose to suggest superiority will cause it to slip backwards. Hands are relaxed at the sides as clenched fists suggest anger and send a message to both your brain and the other person’s that a fight might follow. Crossed arms can indicate defensiveness, fear or close-mindedness, and while hands in your pockets are okay, be sure to keep nice strong shoulders if you do this.
The face: Becoming aware of your facial expressions when you are angry, afraid, embarrassed and confident is an important part of being assertive. This is best practiced in front of a mirror so you can see what confidence looks and feels like and rehearse using that face in private. If you look aggressive (angry) or submissive (afraid) when you are standing up for yourself things are not likely to go the way you had planned. Your eyes are an important part of assertiveness. Be sure to look yourself in the mirror during practice and get used to how that feels. In real situations you can shift your gaze to the other’s forehead or nose if looking them in the eye is too much for you. It is not easy to look at the floor or up at the ceiling and still appear confident so be sure to get a grip on those eyes.
The voice: Being assertive means standing up for something important to you and that needs to be reflected in your voice. You do not need to sound friendly, but you don’t want to sound angry or afraid either. To deal with this take a deep cleansing breathe before you begin talking and ensure your voice comes out strong and true. Remember you are royalty at this moment, use a voice that matches that confident authority.
The words: What you say when you are being assertive makes a huge difference. If you use attacking words your opponent will often attack you back. Your goal is to get your message across and stand up for what you believe in without causing a battle or putting the other person down. This means you will have to know what you are standing up for (your message) and practice saying things in ways that support your message. Starting a statement off using the pronoun “I” can be a helpful way to stay on track. Examples:
I don’t like it when you speak rudely to me.
I believe what I have to say is important, please let me finish...
I can see you guys are pumped about the party so go… I’m staying here.
I can’t concentrate when you are yelling. Please stop so we can talk.
I see you’re angry, I’ll give you time to calm down before we talk.
Polite words (please, thank you, excuse me) are not required in assertive statements, but sometimes they just feel right. If you choose to add them in, make sure they don’t come out in a pleading way or make you feel angrier if the offender refuses to comply after you were so polite.
Assertiveness is about saying what you need to say rather than keeping it bottled up inside. If the person doesn’t do as you ask you might leave the situation, go for help or turn your attention to something else. Whatever you decide, remember to respond with your crown and cape firmly in place so your body language is supporting your message and you can feel good about how you stood up for yourself.
Debbie Pokornik is the owner of empowering NRG. She helps people regain or maintain balance in their lives using natural, realistic guidance. To book Debbie for keynotes, workshops or other events, go to http://empoweringnrg.com
One important note… some pieces of assertiveness are culture specific (eye contact, language structure). You may adapt to fit your cultural norms as long as you maintain the strength of body and message.
The stance: Practice an assertive body by pretending you are wearing a cape and a crown. Shoulders and head are held in a strong, confident position with the shoulders up and back (a slight puffing of the chest), while the head is held high and proud. Lowering of the head in a submissive gesture will result in the crown toppling to the ground, while raising the nose to suggest superiority will cause it to slip backwards. Hands are relaxed at the sides as clenched fists suggest anger and send a message to both your brain and the other person’s that a fight might follow. Crossed arms can indicate defensiveness, fear or close-mindedness, and while hands in your pockets are okay, be sure to keep nice strong shoulders if you do this.
The face: Becoming aware of your facial expressions when you are angry, afraid, embarrassed and confident is an important part of being assertive. This is best practiced in front of a mirror so you can see what confidence looks and feels like and rehearse using that face in private. If you look aggressive (angry) or submissive (afraid) when you are standing up for yourself things are not likely to go the way you had planned. Your eyes are an important part of assertiveness. Be sure to look yourself in the mirror during practice and get used to how that feels. In real situations you can shift your gaze to the other’s forehead or nose if looking them in the eye is too much for you. It is not easy to look at the floor or up at the ceiling and still appear confident so be sure to get a grip on those eyes.
The voice: Being assertive means standing up for something important to you and that needs to be reflected in your voice. You do not need to sound friendly, but you don’t want to sound angry or afraid either. To deal with this take a deep cleansing breathe before you begin talking and ensure your voice comes out strong and true. Remember you are royalty at this moment, use a voice that matches that confident authority.
The words: What you say when you are being assertive makes a huge difference. If you use attacking words your opponent will often attack you back. Your goal is to get your message across and stand up for what you believe in without causing a battle or putting the other person down. This means you will have to know what you are standing up for (your message) and practice saying things in ways that support your message. Starting a statement off using the pronoun “I” can be a helpful way to stay on track. Examples:
I don’t like it when you speak rudely to me.
I believe what I have to say is important, please let me finish...
I can see you guys are pumped about the party so go… I’m staying here.
I can’t concentrate when you are yelling. Please stop so we can talk.
I see you’re angry, I’ll give you time to calm down before we talk.
Polite words (please, thank you, excuse me) are not required in assertive statements, but sometimes they just feel right. If you choose to add them in, make sure they don’t come out in a pleading way or make you feel angrier if the offender refuses to comply after you were so polite.
Assertiveness is about saying what you need to say rather than keeping it bottled up inside. If the person doesn’t do as you ask you might leave the situation, go for help or turn your attention to something else. Whatever you decide, remember to respond with your crown and cape firmly in place so your body language is supporting your message and you can feel good about how you stood up for yourself.
Debbie Pokornik is the owner of empowering NRG. She helps people regain or maintain balance in their lives using natural, realistic guidance. To book Debbie for keynotes, workshops or other events, go to http://empoweringnrg.com
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Understanding Assertiveness: Standing up for yourself in a way that is both positive and affirming
It’s hard to be assertive if you don’t understand how it is different from aggression, what it does, or why it is important. Being assertive means standing up for yourself and the things you believe in without attacking or putting another person down. It is a skill that requires self control, personal strength and clarity on what you believe. Assertiveness never involves behaviours like shouting, insulting, threatening or swearing at another.
It is important when being assertive to understand this is something you do for yourself to let go of negative emotions. It is not about getting your way or setting the other person straight, as much as it is about saying your piece and feeling good about yourself in the process.
The reason this is important, is if you think being assertive is about changing the behaviour of the other person and that person doesn’t change, you can feel as if assertiveness has failed you. Anytime we try to control other people’s behaviour we set ourselves up for potential failure.
Assertiveness is done to build yourself up and let other people know how you feel. It is a way of venting emotions that would otherwise bottle up inside of you and eventually surface as an emotional explosion or illness. The trick to being successful at it is to stay calm, make your point and then let it go. If you continue to rethink the scene in a negative way, you will not reap the benefits of standing up for yourself.
Although changing other people’s behaviour is not the goal of this act, one of the great things about being assertive is that an ill-meaning offender will be counting on you reacting passively (doing nothing) or aggressively (attacking). When you assertively respond with strength and composure it throws him off balance which can result in a change in his behaviour. Sometimes this will create a reluctant form of respect, causing him to change his behaviour towards you permanently. When this happens consider it a bonus as you reap the rewards of your emotional vent and witness a positive result from your actions at the same time.
If you are already good at being assertive keep up the great work and be sure to model it for others (especially children). If however, like many people, you have gotten assertiveness confused with aggression, or have been playing the victim while others walk all over you, it would be a good idea to start working on developing this skill. Assertiveness grows from confidence and confidence feeds off being assertive. Sounds like a worthwhile investment to me.
Debbie Pokornik is the owner of empowering NRG. She helps people regain or maintain balance in their lives using natural, realistic guidance. To book Debbie for keynotes, workshops or other events, go to http://empoweringnrg.com
It is important when being assertive to understand this is something you do for yourself to let go of negative emotions. It is not about getting your way or setting the other person straight, as much as it is about saying your piece and feeling good about yourself in the process.
The reason this is important, is if you think being assertive is about changing the behaviour of the other person and that person doesn’t change, you can feel as if assertiveness has failed you. Anytime we try to control other people’s behaviour we set ourselves up for potential failure.
Assertiveness is done to build yourself up and let other people know how you feel. It is a way of venting emotions that would otherwise bottle up inside of you and eventually surface as an emotional explosion or illness. The trick to being successful at it is to stay calm, make your point and then let it go. If you continue to rethink the scene in a negative way, you will not reap the benefits of standing up for yourself.
Although changing other people’s behaviour is not the goal of this act, one of the great things about being assertive is that an ill-meaning offender will be counting on you reacting passively (doing nothing) or aggressively (attacking). When you assertively respond with strength and composure it throws him off balance which can result in a change in his behaviour. Sometimes this will create a reluctant form of respect, causing him to change his behaviour towards you permanently. When this happens consider it a bonus as you reap the rewards of your emotional vent and witness a positive result from your actions at the same time.
If you are already good at being assertive keep up the great work and be sure to model it for others (especially children). If however, like many people, you have gotten assertiveness confused with aggression, or have been playing the victim while others walk all over you, it would be a good idea to start working on developing this skill. Assertiveness grows from confidence and confidence feeds off being assertive. Sounds like a worthwhile investment to me.
Debbie Pokornik is the owner of empowering NRG. She helps people regain or maintain balance in their lives using natural, realistic guidance. To book Debbie for keynotes, workshops or other events, go to http://empoweringnrg.com
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Bullying: Five tips for raising resilient kids who can handle anything
Bullying is a topic that makes parent’s ears perk up and their shackles rise. The idea of someone bullying our child is almost more than we can bare and creates a response in us that can feel overwhelming. This response shifts us into protection mode.
There are a couple major problems with protection mode.
First, to really deal effectively with a bullying situation we need to be able to think smart. When we move into protective mode we are unable to think clearly as blood is diverted to our muscles from our brain. Over-reaction becomes very likely and often creates a response that looks much like bullying behaviour. Since we are role modeling for our children this behaviour is inappropriate, regardless of our reason for doing it.
Secondly, when we move into protection mode we tend to take over from our child sending a message that he or she is not strong enough to deal with this situation. Above all else, we must let our kids know they are resilient and can handle whatever life throws their way. It might not feel great to live through these undesirable experiences, but it is part of living and makes them stronger in the end.
So what should we do about bullying? Here are 5 suggestions:
1. Understand that bullying is part of our world. This does not mean we should condone it, it simply means this is not a new thing, nor is it likely to go away soon. It is in the best interest of us all to teach our kids how to protect and stand up for themselves regardless of what comes their way.
2. Let your child know that no matter what happens in his life you have his back. In other words you do not believe he is faulty, or that people should be allowed to push him around. You will help him come up with constructive ways to stand up for himself and advocate on his behalf if required.
3. If your child discloses a bullying situation to you, do not panic or overreact. Just listen to what she has to say. Empathize with her (i.e. “I wouldn’t like it if someone said those things to me either), hear her out and ask her if she would like help brainstorming solutions. Keep your child firmly in the driver’s seat while encouraging and supporting her through the process.
4. Help your child to see that just because a bully says something, it doesn’t make it true. Bullies look for things their target might be sensitive about and then prey on those insecurities. Help your child see his insecurities are not based on fact. (i.e. “If Bart said you had three ears would that make it true? Bart is just guessing at what he thinks might bug you.”) Help your child to understand that when we believe what a bully says is true, we give him a power he does not deserve.
5. Talk to your child about the options she has for standing up for herself anytime someone says or does something that makes her feel bad. Practice role playing assertiveness, making jokes of things, knowing when to walk away and how to get adult help when she really needs it. Discuss how uncomfortable situations will come and go throughout her life and that no matter what life throws her way, she has what it takes to deal with it.
Bullying has become a really hot topic in our society. The problem is we give it power when we focus on it so strongly. If we want to see our kids navigate through bullying situations – and there will be other situations throughout their lives – we must help them believe in themselves and their ability to deal with whatever comes their way. Resilience is the key to survival…we teach resilience by helping our kids recognize and use their own power.
Debbie Pokornik is the owner of empowering NRG. She is the author of F.R.E.E. Parenting (new name - releasing late 2009) and believes all parents can use support at some point in their parenting experience. For other great tips or to book Debbie for keynotes/workshops, go to http://empoweringnrg.com
There are a couple major problems with protection mode.
First, to really deal effectively with a bullying situation we need to be able to think smart. When we move into protective mode we are unable to think clearly as blood is diverted to our muscles from our brain. Over-reaction becomes very likely and often creates a response that looks much like bullying behaviour. Since we are role modeling for our children this behaviour is inappropriate, regardless of our reason for doing it.
Secondly, when we move into protection mode we tend to take over from our child sending a message that he or she is not strong enough to deal with this situation. Above all else, we must let our kids know they are resilient and can handle whatever life throws their way. It might not feel great to live through these undesirable experiences, but it is part of living and makes them stronger in the end.
So what should we do about bullying? Here are 5 suggestions:
1. Understand that bullying is part of our world. This does not mean we should condone it, it simply means this is not a new thing, nor is it likely to go away soon. It is in the best interest of us all to teach our kids how to protect and stand up for themselves regardless of what comes their way.
2. Let your child know that no matter what happens in his life you have his back. In other words you do not believe he is faulty, or that people should be allowed to push him around. You will help him come up with constructive ways to stand up for himself and advocate on his behalf if required.
3. If your child discloses a bullying situation to you, do not panic or overreact. Just listen to what she has to say. Empathize with her (i.e. “I wouldn’t like it if someone said those things to me either), hear her out and ask her if she would like help brainstorming solutions. Keep your child firmly in the driver’s seat while encouraging and supporting her through the process.
4. Help your child to see that just because a bully says something, it doesn’t make it true. Bullies look for things their target might be sensitive about and then prey on those insecurities. Help your child see his insecurities are not based on fact. (i.e. “If Bart said you had three ears would that make it true? Bart is just guessing at what he thinks might bug you.”) Help your child to understand that when we believe what a bully says is true, we give him a power he does not deserve.
5. Talk to your child about the options she has for standing up for herself anytime someone says or does something that makes her feel bad. Practice role playing assertiveness, making jokes of things, knowing when to walk away and how to get adult help when she really needs it. Discuss how uncomfortable situations will come and go throughout her life and that no matter what life throws her way, she has what it takes to deal with it.
Bullying has become a really hot topic in our society. The problem is we give it power when we focus on it so strongly. If we want to see our kids navigate through bullying situations – and there will be other situations throughout their lives – we must help them believe in themselves and their ability to deal with whatever comes their way. Resilience is the key to survival…we teach resilience by helping our kids recognize and use their own power.
Debbie Pokornik is the owner of empowering NRG. She is the author of F.R.E.E. Parenting (new name - releasing late 2009) and believes all parents can use support at some point in their parenting experience. For other great tips or to book Debbie for keynotes/workshops, go to http://empoweringnrg.com
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