People love to poke fun at one another and will often resort to name calling to express how they are feeling. This activity is not always a bad thing and can actually be quite fun. It is a form of teasing; a give and take process meant to lighten the mood, create a little laugh and strengthen the relationship between participants.
Where name calling becomes a problem is when one person is using these moments to hurt the other. Any laughter is one-sided and typically the jibes only flow in one direction. These kinds of things can be precursors to bullying and are damaging to the relationships involved.
Name calling can also be a problem when the kids involved do not have the skills (or relationship strength) to enjoy the process. The way they deal with this frustration is to strike out at the other person and conflict arises. We can allow this to happen and hope the kids figure out a way to work it out, or we can be proactive and put a process in place first. This process should allow us to teach skills, limit the hurtful comments, and remain calm in the process.
One way to do this is to put a “two nice things” rule into effect. This rule requires that anyone who puts down another (joking or otherwise) will need to say two nice things about that person. Even in a strong relationship teasing can be damaging to self esteem (especially if you hit a sensitive topic), so it becomes the job of the “hurter” to build the other person back up. We call these put-ups and they are teaching the skills of positive thinking and compliments.
Typically, children will question any new rule so it is important to teach it in advance and then enforce it calmly and consistently. Let people know that when they call someone anything other than their name, they will be required to build that person back up by saying two nice things about them. Talk about what put-ups are acceptable and have the kids practice giving out compliments. Discuss if repeats will be allowed for repeat offenses and how these rules will be enforced.
Examples of good put-ups:
You’re fun
You’re a good friend
I like playing with you
You’re fun to hang out with
You’re very creative
You tell great stories
You make great lego machines
You have a beautiful voice
You’re very talented
You’re funny
Let the kids know that if they argue about the put down (i.e. it was just a joke, I didn’t say that, that’s not name calling), they will automatically be required to say four nice things. If they continue to argue the number becomes six and they will be asked to leave the room and return when they are ready to give their compliments.
The idea is to build people up. Although kids are often good at honest compliments when they are young, they often lose this by Grade two and start focusing on what they don’t like about other people. Focusing on positives is a skill that we all benefit by learning. Using a rule such as this allows kids to practice this skill and creates a nicer atmosphere for us all.
One word of warning…It is critical that you, as the enforcer, remain calm and allow this to be a learning experience. If you become judgmental (i.e. that was uncalled for; you are very rude) or allow anger to guide your enforcement, the process will become a form of punishment and, rather than disappearing, the name calling will intensify.
Debbie Pokornik is the owner of empowering NRG. She is the author of Peak at Parenting; Natural, Realistic Guidance for the Busy Parent (releasing late 2009) and believes all parents can use support at some point in their parenting experience. For other great parenting tips or to book Debbie for keynotes/workshops, go to http://empoweringnrg.com/
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