Guilty as Charged

If our feelings are signals meant to guide us in life, then guilt is a fantastic guide to tie into. It is one of those feelings that will shoot through us the moment we’ve ‘done something wrong’ and will easily be fed from our resulting thoughts and actions.

In my book Break Free of Parenting Pressures I mention that you can’t send someone on a guilt trip unless their bags are already packed. I hate to say it my bags seem to be packed and ready to go at a moments notice.

A trick I have found over the years to help me stand my ground is to ask myself where my guilt is coming from and then use that information to determine what action could arise as a result. For example, when I feel guilty for snapping at one of my kids, I might ask myself the following: Am I feeling guilty because I spoke harshly and hurt my son’s feelings when he didn’t deserve it? Is it because I said “No” to something that probably could have been a yes? Is it because I just gave a talk on using self-control and I was being a hypocrite by losing mine?

Figuring out what the answer is helps to guide me on where I should go next. If I spoke harshly and hurt feelings, my action might be to apologize to my son and perhaps explain why I behaved the way I did. I don’t do this as an attempt to excuse my behaviour or to change my mind about whatever he was asking for, but more to provide a learning opportunity for both of us. My apology is genuine.

If my guilt came from recognizing that my “No” was premature, I might apologize for snapping and reopen the conversation for discussion. When this happens I love to tell my child he has a second chance to “convince me” rather than just changing my answer to a “Yes”.

On the other hand if these feelings came about because I behaved like a hypocrite I usually need to go inside and look at what I said, how I truly behaved (there is a big difference between snapping at a person and losing self-control) and what this means for the information I’m sharing. Are my expectations unrealistic? Am I being too hard on myself? Is there a teaching point in this I can use in my next talk? Are any apologies necessary (to my son, to myself, to my audience)?

The point from all of this is that rather than feeling the guilt and then beating myself up over how badly I behaved, how I’ve damaged my child for life, or how unworthy I feel of calling myself a Parent Educator, etc, I use this feeling to guide me towards an action that will help me repair damage and grow from the experience. By doing this I feel I am taking this feeling and using it as the signal it was always intended to be rather than heading on the guilt trip my packed bags were ready to take me on.

Building Relationships, 5 Strategies for Building Strong Relationships and Information to Help You Avoid Relationship Pitfalls

Relationships are a key part of the human experience. How we interact with others influences the kind of relationships we build and how capable we feel as a person. Here are 5 strategies to help you focus on building strong relationships that last a life-time:

1. Talk openly about how you feel when the other person says or does something that arouses strong feelings. This applies to both good and bad feelings as relationships flourish when we share the things we like and unhealthy tension can be released when we share the things we don’t like. When done properly, talking openly about feelings helps our relationships to grow and provides us with opportunities to practice positive communication.

I often suggest people think in terms of “I statements” even if they aren’t comfortable actually using them yet. To think in I statements focus on what you are feeling and why.

i.e. “I feel disrespected (or hurt, angry, unimportant…) when I’m interrupted.” or “It hurts my feelings when I’m cut off in mid-sentence.”

Did you know: Starting statements with the pronoun You or demanding an answer with Why, make people more likely to go on the defensive and less likely to care how it made you feel? i.e. “You’re always interrupting me…why can’t you just listen!” or “Why do you always do that? I hate it when you interrupt!” Our goal is to share information, not blame the other or provoke a fight.

2. Look for the positives in the other person and make a point of sharing what you see. This can be easier said then done, as it is often the negative things that jump out at us. With practice, however, it becomes easier and when done on a regular basis helps everyone involved. When you point out the positives in another you strengthen your bond with that person and build a positive outlook for yourself. That makes you feel good and contributes to the self-esteem of the person you are complimenting. This results in more leeway when relationship problem arise, because the relationship is stronger and able to handle the stress.

i.e. “I love your sense of humor…you’re so creative.” or “I feel so relaxed around you – you’re so calm and sure of yourself.”

When a relationship has been going on for a while or when we are parenting/teaching, it becomes very easy to pick out the things that irritate us and point those out instead. If you can make it a habit to point out two positives for every correction, or critical comment you make, your relationship will still move in a positive direction.

Did you know: When we give in to our desire to point out the faults of others, and see changes in their behaviour, it’s usually because we have activated their internal critic? This is that little voice in their head that makes them second guess themselves and feel unworthy or undeserving of whatever good things life throws their way. In many relationships we are feeding the other person’s internal critic as we speak!

3. Accept other people for who they are without trying to mold them into the people you wish they could be. This is a tough one for many of us. It is often easier as an outsider looking in, to see where a person needs to personally develop (at least in our opinion). People will develop where they need to when they are ready…and not a moment sooner. If we can recognize this and allow them to grow at their own pace we are accepting them for who they are at that moment in time.

This is not the same as excusing inappropriate behaviours, or giving up on a person as if he is never going to change. By allowing him to be true to himself you actually help him recognize when changes are required. When the person you are dealing with is your child, be there to guide and set boundaries, but accept her just as she is.

Did you know: In almost every case, a person who is forced to change in order to be liked or accepted by another will change back when stressed? When people stay in a relationship because they are in love with who that person could one day become, they are likely to be very disappointed. People will only truly change when they believe that they need to!

4. Take the time to have fun in all of your relationships. Whether it is a smile shared with a colleague, a laugh with the neighbor, playing with your child or talking with your partner…all of these things build relationship and help us feel stronger. Once again this sounds easy to do, but often it is not. The stress we feel from a health concern, the worry we have about our child’s daycare, the disappointment we experience when we don’t get the job—all drain our energy making it hard for us to create quality moments with the people around us. As the tension mounts the more serious we become and the less effort we put into having fun. Laughter, story telling, and having caring conversation are just a few of the things that help to release that tension and replenishes our energy reserves.

Did you know: Although eating right, getting enough sleep, exercising, etc are important parts of healthy living, sometimes a few hours of fun that keeps you up too late (or dips into your health protocol in other ways), will do more to strengthen you than anything else. Positive human interaction strengthens us in ways little else can.

5. Find the time to focus on your own personal development so that you can be a strong, active member in every relationship that you are involved in. To be effective in any relationship you must first be able to survive on your own. This is a HUGE topic that can’t be covered fully here, but is too important to leave out completely. A relationship is only as strong as the people involved in it. If you are overly dependent on your partner/friend, indulging in hyper-parenting, or unable to detach from your own parent(s) you will struggle in other areas of your life. A strong relationship is built on independence that becomes interdependent (i.e. the people involved are independently working together towards a common goal). Personal development is what life is all about. It does not indicate weakness or incompetence…it indicates that we are alive.

Did you know: The strength of a relationship is not measured by how much you need the other person…but rather by how much you can be yourself with that person and still feel confident he/she will stick around.

These are just some of the things we can do to build healthy, strong relationships with the people in our lives. It isn’t always easy and never really feels finished…but like all important things in life, it is well worth the effort.

Debbie Pokornik is the Chief Empowerment Officer for Empowering NRG and the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures; Embrace Your Natural Guidance. For more information go to http://www.empoweringnrg.com

Break Free of Parenting Pressures

My new book; Break Free of Parenting Pressures; Embrace Your Natural Guidance is finally up on Barnes & Noble http://bit.ly/BFPPBarnesN. It's also available on Amazon.com and .ca or if you're in my area can be picked up/delivered directly by me :)

Parenting…Is it Natural or Learned?

Many of us (females especially) have grown up knowing that one day we will likely become a parent. We recognize that people have been having babies for eons and while it might not always happen the way we expected it to, it is a natural progression in life. The truth is while the actions that get us pregnant would qualify as natural (in most cases), little else of parenting is.

This way of thinking sets us up for all kinds of struggles. When we believe things are natural we tend to believe they will come easily to us and when they do not we feel shocked and embarrassed. We do not want to ask for help or admit that we don’t know the answer. We compare ourselves to the “outside view” of the lives of others and wonder why everyone else seems able to do this job.

In reality, most of what we know about parenting has been taught to us by the people who looked after us when we were young. Our parents, teachers, babysitters, coaches, etc, all had a hand in providing us with tools we can use on our youngsters – good and bad. These tools don’t always fit with our philosophy of parenting and sometimes controlling the urge to use those tools is what makes us question our ability in the first place.

Add to that the fact that our situation is unique in its own right. Our background, our babies, our partners (or lack thereof), our life stressors, our support system, our personality…all influence our experience, making our situation different from every other parent out there. This means we can ask others for ideas or help, but we shouldn’t expect their advice will always be fitting for our situation.

If we really want to be able to embrace the role of parenting and feel good about our performance in that job, we must begin by recognizing that being a good parent will not come naturally to us. On the contrary, parenting requires a lot of personal development – growing beyond where we are at and developing skills we might currently be lacking in. It requires a willingness to learn and ask questions along with a belief in our ability to persevere and make it through whatever challenges this role brings our way.

Parenting, and in fact all personal development, is never easy—but it is what makes us resilient and helps us to grow into the people we always wanted to be.

Am I Ruining My Child For Life?

All parents will benefit from support at some point in their parenting journey – there is no reason to feel bad about it.

I find it very interesting how most of us recognize parenting as such an important job AND believe we should know all the answers for how to deal with every situation. We understand our children are our future…our future leaders, our future workforce (the people who provide us with services after we’ve retired) and even our future in-laws (pool of people our kids will get to choose their partners from)...and this makes parenting a critical task in our society.

We are also well aware that people have been parenting for eons and that it is one of the most natural roles we will take on in our lifetime. In fact, it is those people who--for a variety of reasons--end up not having children that might be subjected to questioning and raised eyebrows.

The message: We should be able to raise strong, resilient, healthy, caring kids who will contribute positively to our society, and we should be able to do it naturally.

This way of thinking sets parents up for a struggle right from the start. It becomes a job loaded with self-doubt, uncertainty, guilt, confusion, and major stress.

“Am I ruining my child for life?” We wonder, shaking our head at the memory of the blow-out we had just that morning. “Why am I the only one who doesn’t seem to be able to do this right?”…”If I let him get away with that am I spoiling him?”

These are normal questions asked by parents all over the continent and they really do cause us no end of grief. When self-doubt kicks in our performance drops significantly, influencing our patience, our creativity and our tolerance level. So, my thoughts to any parents reading this…

Know that you are perfect at being you—no one else can do as good a job as you can—AND by extension you are the perfect parent for your child.

You will make mistakes, you will have moments when you simply don’t know what to do and you will wish for opportunities to rewind and do it over again differently. These are the moments that help us learn and grow.

If we can tie into our own inner knowledge, keep an open mind in terms of learning new ideas, and be willing to ask for help when things threaten to overwhelm, we will be doing our best job and what more can anyone ask for?