Bullying is a topic that makes parent’s ears perk up and their shackles rise. The idea of someone bullying our child is almost more than we can bare and creates a response in us that can feel overwhelming. This response shifts us into protection mode.
There are a couple major problems with protection mode.
First, to really deal effectively with a bullying situation we need to be able to think smart. When we move into protective mode we are unable to think clearly as blood is diverted to our muscles from our brain. Over-reaction becomes very likely and often creates a response that looks much like bullying behaviour. Since we are role modeling for our children this behaviour is inappropriate, regardless of our reason for doing it.
Secondly, when we move into protection mode we tend to take over from our child sending a message that he or she is not strong enough to deal with this situation. Above all else, we must let our kids know they are resilient and can handle whatever life throws their way. It might not feel great to live through these undesirable experiences, but it is part of living and makes them stronger in the end.
So what should we do about bullying? Here are 5 suggestions:
1. Understand that bullying is part of our world. This does not mean we should condone it, it simply means this is not a new thing, nor is it likely to go away soon. It is in the best interest of us all to teach our kids how to protect and stand up for themselves regardless of what comes their way.
2. Let your child know that no matter what happens in his life you have his back. In other words you do not believe he is faulty, or that people should be allowed to push him around. You will help him come up with constructive ways to stand up for himself and advocate on his behalf if required.
3. If your child discloses a bullying situation to you, do not panic or overreact. Just listen to what she has to say. Empathize with her (i.e. “I wouldn’t like it if someone said those things to me either), hear her out and ask her if she would like help brainstorming solutions. Keep your child firmly in the driver’s seat while encouraging and supporting her through the process.
4. Help your child to see that just because a bully says something, it doesn’t make it true. Bullies look for things their target might be sensitive about and then prey on those insecurities. Help your child see his insecurities are not based on fact. (i.e. “If Bart said you had three ears would that make it true? Bart is just guessing at what he thinks might bug you.”) Help your child to understand that when we believe what a bully says is true, we give him a power he does not deserve.
5. Talk to your child about the options she has for standing up for herself anytime someone says or does something that makes her feel bad. Practice role playing assertiveness, making jokes of things, knowing when to walk away and how to get adult help when she really needs it. Discuss how uncomfortable situations will come and go throughout her life and that no matter what life throws her way, she has what it takes to deal with it.
Bullying has become a really hot topic in our society. The problem is we give it power when we focus on it so strongly. If we want to see our kids navigate through bullying situations – and there will be other situations throughout their lives – we must help them believe in themselves and their ability to deal with whatever comes their way. Resilience is the key to survival…we teach resilience by helping our kids recognize and use their own power.
Debbie Pokornik is the owner of empowering NRG. She is the author of F.R.E.E. Parenting (new name - releasing late 2009) and believes all parents can use support at some point in their parenting experience. For other great tips or to book Debbie for keynotes/workshops, go to http://empoweringnrg.com
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