Understanding Is Not The Same As Empathizing

Understanding is an interesting term when it comes to dealing with other people. Most of us totally get that before we can build something we must first understand the parts that are needed and how it goes together before jumping into the task (or at least us women do :) . If we’re asked to be on a committee, most of us will at least try to understand what’s expected of us before agreeing to do the job.

When it comes to people however, this is a whole different ball game. We cannot control how others think, what they believe, how they feel, or how they act. What we are told to do, is to try to put ourselves as completely as we can in the other person’s shoes so we can understand where they are coming from…in other words, we empathize. When we do this, however, other problems arise.

For example, if you come from a secure family where you feel loved, appreciated, respected and understood and you’re trying to empathize with a much younger person growing up in an abusive, broken home, how well do you think you’d be able to relate to life in his shoes? The likelihood that you will sympathize instead of empathizing is much greater and feeling sorry for someone never helps them at all.

This is also a place where values can interfere as you might assume that something like honesty, that is important to you, will be equally important to him. That might suggest to you that he would only steal if he was desperate, when in fact he might have been raised to believe stealing is not a bad thing and desperation has nothing to do with it. In this case, you might put yourself in his shoes, feel the desperation and get a totally different picture from what was actually going on for him.

There will always be information you won’t know about when you are trying to truly understand the actions of others. When you take the time to search for this data and really get a complete picture, you are making the effort to understand. Empathizing is an important first step, but it is not enough.

So what do you do?

In Dr. Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he suggests you seek first to understand before you are understood. I believe this is a critical part of truly being understanding. This starts with recognizing that “simple understanding” is actually an oxymoron or contradiction – it will never be easy to truly understand where another person is coming from.

Understanding requires research, and that research must be done with an open-mind and heart. In order to get a true picture of what is going on for that person you must have a willingness and desire to gather the missing pieces—and those can only come from the person involved.

Start by empathizing, as previously discussed, then, use positive communication skills…like active or empathic listening, clarifying questions, and open-door techniques… to help understand what he is saying. Put on your inspector’s cap and objectively start searching for more information. A good inspector will keep an open-mind and leave his emotions out of the conversation. Helpful conversation starters might be the following:

· Help me understand what was going on for you when this happened.
· I really want to understand how this happened. Can you help me do that?
· I’m willing to help you deal with this situation, but I’m going to need more information to really understand it first…can you help with that?

The voice you use, your body language and your previous history with the person are all going to factor in to how quickly and easily he feels safe enough to share. Patience and open-mindedness are going to be extremely important during this time.

If you’re feeling emotional before the conversation begins, it’s a good idea to ask for time before talking since it’s quite likely you’ll head in to the talk ready to fight (or defend). This happens because you are taking things personally and while this is a very human thing to do, it will not help the situation.

When you are in the conversation, be as neutral as you can while hearing this person’s story and be sure your body language reflects the same. Try hard not to judge and to really hear what he has to say.

When you feel you understand his side of the story and have reflected that back to him as best you can, it’s time to share your side of the picture. At that point the goal is to work towards solution, and if you have done a good job of understanding this will often be the easy part.
According to The Virtues Project™, “understanding is the power to think and learn and also care”. Coming from a place of compassion without prior judgment, especially when you feel hurt, angry or embarrassed is never easy. It is, however, a building block to strong relationships and that is always worth the effort.

Becoming Aware of Life-Changing Moments

Have you ever noticed when some people (often famous) talk about the things in their lives that shaped them or made them who they are today, it is often done with great reverence and respect for what the experience taught them? Sometimes, the situation they are describing is quite horrific making us wonder how they survived much less managed to forgive and move on.

Yet, these people are not resentful, angry or otherwise bothered by the situation life threw their way. In fact, often they publically recognize that it was those horrific circumstances that helped them become the person they are today and in the end they are thankful for it!

Thinking about your own experiences, what kinds of things shaped you into the person you are today? What situations in your past forced you to grow and changed you forever as a person? Was it all the wonderful breaks you were given, the silver spoon or other lifts up you received throughout life? My guess is it was not.

Most often it is the challenging situations, humiliation, traumas, toxic or dangerous relationships that actually help us grow the most. The trick with this growth seems to be our ability to move past the emotion and allow the learning to take place. This means putting aside the bitterness, resentment, hurt or desire for justice and focusing instead on how we can heal.

If we can taste bitterness when we share our story, or feel waves of regret about how we wish it had turned out, we are still holding strong to the emotion of the experience and not allowing personal growth to occur. It’s like we are jabbing a fish hook and line into the cheek of the story every time we pull it up, leaving us with a secure tie to the feelings and many frustrations as to why we can’t let go and move on.

The truth is, the “famous” person, is often well known because he or she has dealt with major challenges and despite the odds overcome them. Of course, not all people who overcome their challenges will be (or even want to be) famous, but these kinds of stories do fascinate us and with social media the way it is, these stories of resiliency can get press time mighty fast.

So I challenge all of us (myself included) to remember this the next time a challenging situation comes our way and do what we can to take the learning and move on. If you want to give this a try here are a few things to keep in mind:

• Challenges, traumas, and bad experiences are opportunities for growth spurts in life. Personal development is on-going, but without problems we’d likely never willingly take them on.
  
• Trying to “save” others from making the same or similar mistakes to what we experienced is not helping them grow, but quite possibly stifling their growth. One of my favorite quotes (although I’m not sure who wrote it) seems very fitting here… “A ship is safe at harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.”
  
• When we can recognize the learning in any experience we have had and focus on it instead of the aggravating emotion that brought it to our awareness (i.e. hurt, resentment, jealousy…), we can reap the benefit of the experience and begin growing. This might mean changing our way of thinking from blaming those involved to actually thanking them for bringing this opportunity into our life.
  
• Although we are all here together and definitely draw strength from our relationships with others, every person’s journey is unique. There is no “one size fits all” answer to any challenge we might be facing. While looking outside of ourselves might give us insight and guidance into directions that will help us, the key to moving forwards will always come from within. In other words, you are the expert in your own life—dig deep and look for the answers that truly resonate for you.

In closing, if you want to really cash in on the personal development opportunities that come your way, accept who you are, embrace life’s challenges as opportunities for personal growth, and let go of any strong, negative emotions you’ve attached to the experience. Sounds simple…but fish hooks aren’t always easy to remove and depending on the number it can take a lot of time, patience and self forgiveness.

Debbie Pokornik is the Chief Empowerment Officer for Empowering NRG and the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures; Embrace Your Natural Guidance. She believes personal development is key to unlocking life’s little treasures and when people are ready the rewards are great. For more info check out http://www.empoweringnrg.com

Guilty as Charged

If our feelings are signals meant to guide us in life, then guilt is a fantastic guide to tie into. It is one of those feelings that will shoot through us the moment we’ve ‘done something wrong’ and will easily be fed from our resulting thoughts and actions.

In my book Break Free of Parenting Pressures I mention that you can’t send someone on a guilt trip unless their bags are already packed. I hate to say it my bags seem to be packed and ready to go at a moments notice.

A trick I have found over the years to help me stand my ground is to ask myself where my guilt is coming from and then use that information to determine what action could arise as a result. For example, when I feel guilty for snapping at one of my kids, I might ask myself the following: Am I feeling guilty because I spoke harshly and hurt my son’s feelings when he didn’t deserve it? Is it because I said “No” to something that probably could have been a yes? Is it because I just gave a talk on using self-control and I was being a hypocrite by losing mine?

Figuring out what the answer is helps to guide me on where I should go next. If I spoke harshly and hurt feelings, my action might be to apologize to my son and perhaps explain why I behaved the way I did. I don’t do this as an attempt to excuse my behaviour or to change my mind about whatever he was asking for, but more to provide a learning opportunity for both of us. My apology is genuine.

If my guilt came from recognizing that my “No” was premature, I might apologize for snapping and reopen the conversation for discussion. When this happens I love to tell my child he has a second chance to “convince me” rather than just changing my answer to a “Yes”.

On the other hand if these feelings came about because I behaved like a hypocrite I usually need to go inside and look at what I said, how I truly behaved (there is a big difference between snapping at a person and losing self-control) and what this means for the information I’m sharing. Are my expectations unrealistic? Am I being too hard on myself? Is there a teaching point in this I can use in my next talk? Are any apologies necessary (to my son, to myself, to my audience)?

The point from all of this is that rather than feeling the guilt and then beating myself up over how badly I behaved, how I’ve damaged my child for life, or how unworthy I feel of calling myself a Parent Educator, etc, I use this feeling to guide me towards an action that will help me repair damage and grow from the experience. By doing this I feel I am taking this feeling and using it as the signal it was always intended to be rather than heading on the guilt trip my packed bags were ready to take me on.

Parenting…Is it Natural or Learned?

Many of us (females especially) have grown up knowing that one day we will likely become a parent. We recognize that people have been having babies for eons and while it might not always happen the way we expected it to, it is a natural progression in life. The truth is while the actions that get us pregnant would qualify as natural (in most cases), little else of parenting is.

This way of thinking sets us up for all kinds of struggles. When we believe things are natural we tend to believe they will come easily to us and when they do not we feel shocked and embarrassed. We do not want to ask for help or admit that we don’t know the answer. We compare ourselves to the “outside view” of the lives of others and wonder why everyone else seems able to do this job.

In reality, most of what we know about parenting has been taught to us by the people who looked after us when we were young. Our parents, teachers, babysitters, coaches, etc, all had a hand in providing us with tools we can use on our youngsters – good and bad. These tools don’t always fit with our philosophy of parenting and sometimes controlling the urge to use those tools is what makes us question our ability in the first place.

Add to that the fact that our situation is unique in its own right. Our background, our babies, our partners (or lack thereof), our life stressors, our support system, our personality…all influence our experience, making our situation different from every other parent out there. This means we can ask others for ideas or help, but we shouldn’t expect their advice will always be fitting for our situation.

If we really want to be able to embrace the role of parenting and feel good about our performance in that job, we must begin by recognizing that being a good parent will not come naturally to us. On the contrary, parenting requires a lot of personal development – growing beyond where we are at and developing skills we might currently be lacking in. It requires a willingness to learn and ask questions along with a belief in our ability to persevere and make it through whatever challenges this role brings our way.

Parenting, and in fact all personal development, is never easy—but it is what makes us resilient and helps us to grow into the people we always wanted to be.

Am I Ruining My Child For Life?

All parents will benefit from support at some point in their parenting journey – there is no reason to feel bad about it.

I find it very interesting how most of us recognize parenting as such an important job AND believe we should know all the answers for how to deal with every situation. We understand our children are our future…our future leaders, our future workforce (the people who provide us with services after we’ve retired) and even our future in-laws (pool of people our kids will get to choose their partners from)...and this makes parenting a critical task in our society.

We are also well aware that people have been parenting for eons and that it is one of the most natural roles we will take on in our lifetime. In fact, it is those people who--for a variety of reasons--end up not having children that might be subjected to questioning and raised eyebrows.

The message: We should be able to raise strong, resilient, healthy, caring kids who will contribute positively to our society, and we should be able to do it naturally.

This way of thinking sets parents up for a struggle right from the start. It becomes a job loaded with self-doubt, uncertainty, guilt, confusion, and major stress.

“Am I ruining my child for life?” We wonder, shaking our head at the memory of the blow-out we had just that morning. “Why am I the only one who doesn’t seem to be able to do this right?”…”If I let him get away with that am I spoiling him?”

These are normal questions asked by parents all over the continent and they really do cause us no end of grief. When self-doubt kicks in our performance drops significantly, influencing our patience, our creativity and our tolerance level. So, my thoughts to any parents reading this…

Know that you are perfect at being you—no one else can do as good a job as you can—AND by extension you are the perfect parent for your child.

You will make mistakes, you will have moments when you simply don’t know what to do and you will wish for opportunities to rewind and do it over again differently. These are the moments that help us learn and grow.

If we can tie into our own inner knowledge, keep an open mind in terms of learning new ideas, and be willing to ask for help when things threaten to overwhelm, we will be doing our best job and what more can anyone ask for?

Two Wrongs Don't Make It Right

When people make a negative statement about themselves they are looking for understanding…not correction.

Yet how often when we hear our kids say, “I’m stupid,” or “Nobody likes me,” do we correct? Unfortunately most of us have a built in response when we hear a statement like that and can’t help but want to fix it. Our kids are so precious to us and the thought that they might actually believe that statement breaks our heart.

People make these kinds of statements because they are hurting, testing, repeating what they see their role models do or trying to express something they don’t know how else to express. If we can respond with something calm and supportive, we are opening the door to safe communication.

We are not ignoring the comment, but we aren’t reacting to it either. If your child likes hugs, you might ask him, “Do you need a hug?” If he looks quite upset, but not open to a hug you might try an inquiry, “Has something happened to make you feel this way?” Sometimes all it takes is a quizzical look for them to tell us more.

When statements like this are made our child needs us, but not in the way we might think. By allowing our kids to feel whatever negative feeling is shooting through him at the moment without turning it into a further correction, we are opening the door to the real story or feeling being released.

It will never be easy to listen to our kids talk this way, but if we can use the opportunity to really hear them their self-esteem will grow as a result. If not and your child seems to be making a habit of these kinds of statements, look carefully at what is being modeled for him and/or try a gentle correction like, “You happen to be talking about someone I think is pretty incredible…care to explain yourself?”

Just Do It!

Personal development is something we do for ourselves that benefits so many others. Kids learn more from what we do than what we say.

It seems strange that the best way to help our kids grow into great people is to focus on growing into great people ourselves, yet it is absolutely true. The way we behave, how we take care of ourselves and how we treat other people will influence our children more than anything we “tell” them to do.

When we push ourselves out of our comfort zone and force ourselves to grow beyond our current knowledge and abilities, we are role modeling for our kids the very behaviour we would like them to adopt. Their issues and areas of growth might not be the same, but the message is still picked up.

When Nike came up with the slogan “Just Do It!” they were describing far more than most of us imagined.

Parenting Mistakes; Pulling the Good Out of Every Situation

Have you ever had one of those moments when you correct your child in a way that feels totally wrong and fills you with regret? You know…where you yell too loudly, grab too roughly or say something that previously would have been totally unacceptable?

We all have limits that we live within—our boundaries that determine acceptable and unacceptable behaviours. When we cross that line, we have reached our limit in more ways than one…and once we cross it we feel terrible!

But what if I told you these situations that fill us with so much guilt and cause us to wonder if we have ruined our child for life, are actually opportunities for us and our children to grow? When we use these opportunities to reflect on what we have done and take strides to make amends, we actually strengthen our relationship with our child. It is only when we ignore the situation and “stuff” the resulting feelings that we risk becoming desensitized and derailing from our goals as a parent.

From a personal perspective, these situations cause us to reflect on our lack of control; to think about the bigger picture and hence why we don’t want to parent that way; and to recognize areas where we might need help. Perhaps our stress at work is squeezing its way into our home life, or perhaps our stress is resulting from our home and work life being virtually the same thing. Upon deeper reflection we might recognize a pattern developing or a trigger that is causing our blow-up. We might discover something from our upbringing sneaking its way into our current world or that our own lack of experience is causing a situation to get out of control.

In short, taking time to think about why the situation occurred can help us recognize when we need a break, or when some personal development is required.

From our child’s perspective this situation allows us an opportunity to give our child a genuine apology—no buts, excuses, or blaming included. It allows us to show him we are in fact human (and therefore do make mistakes) and to model self awareness. All of these are critical life skills that our child will definitely need at some point in his life. Our kids learn more from what we do than what we say. Showing him these skills in action is a beneficial outcome of this situation.

So the next time you find yourself flying off the handle and behaving in a way you’d be very embarrassed to have go public, recognize it as an opportunity to teach, learn and grow. Your being bothered by these situations is a good thing and suggests you are not the kind of parent that would use these ideas to excuse reoccurring behaviours of this nature. The fact that you are human is a good thing…it’s when you start beating yourself up for being human that it becomes a problem.