5 Parenting Myths That Increase Stress and Decrease Performance

Myth #1 – Parenting is natural.

Actually becoming a parent is usually a natural act, our bodies are made to do this task and unless there is something interfering with that happening, we can become pregnant without knowing anything about the process. Parenting, however, is not natural but a learned ability that can be wonderful and baffling at the same time. The areas we need to grow in will be unique to each of us making this experience different from everyone else. If we believe parenting is natural, it becomes very hard to understand why we are so challenged by it.

Myth #2 – I am the only person who struggles with parenting.

This is a myth that is so wide spread and fully believed that it can be challenging to find people who will openly talk about it. Nobody wants to admit they are struggling with a task that has been done for eons—in some cases by people with an obvious lack of skills and ability. It often looks easy from the outside which can make us think no one else is struggling like we are. Everyone who cares about being a parent will struggle with some aspect of parenting. This job is all about growth and growth always requires adjustment and learning. The majority of parents will admit (sometimes only in private) that there are some pieces of parenting they just don’t know how to handle.

Myth #3 – Once a parenting tool is learned it will work effectively for many years and with every child.

It would be wonderful if this was the case, but unfortunately our parenting pack needs to grow with our kids and our own personal development. Barbara Coloroso says “A tool known is a tool blown,” meaning that once our kids figure out how or why a tool works it actually loses its effectiveness. When our kids present with a challenging behaviour we typically try the tools we already know to see if one of them will work effectively with the situation. If it does, we use it a few times until either the child stops the behaviour (an effective tool will always result in a positive change, although it can take a few tries as our child checks for consistency) or the tool stops working. When the tool “wears out” many parents will simply increase the threat level that comes with this used up tool rather than switch to a new one. Being a parent requires us to have many different tools in our parenting pack so we can use different tools with different kids and in different situations.

Myth #4 – If a parenting tool is any good it will work right away and feel comfortable right from the start.

Developing a new skill—no matter how simple it might seem—will always be hard for us to do. Change is never an easy thing and learning new skills takes practice. As with any personal development that we do, newly acquired parenting skills and strategies will usually be awkward for the first while and feel foreign to the user. To make matters even worse this new skill goes from feeling awkward to feeling fake, before it moves on to a level of comfort. The results might still be positive…it’s just the feeling we have when we try something new that makes it feel strange. As a result, most new tools are discarded—not because they didn’t work, but because they feel awkward to use.

Myth #5 – Once a challenging behaviour has been corrected it will be smooth sailing for the rest of our parenting experience.

Since parenting is really all about personal development—and there seems to be no end to that in our lifetime—we should know that our kids will always present us with something new to deal with. This isn’t because they are bad people or because we are lacking as a parent, but more because growth, in the parenting experience, is constant. As our kids mature their needs change and so do the challenges.

A very concrete example might be buying our kids runners. When they are young they might grow so fast they hardly even scuff the shoe bottoms before it’s time to pass them on. The result—we need to buy them new runners before we are ready. When their feet finally stop growing they might wear their runners out in a week of skate-boarding, outdoor winter wear or other “tough” activities. The result—we need to buy new runners before we are ready. Although the first problem was resolved, the result is still a need for new shoes. In other situations it will be the result that is different—like his feet finally stop growing and now he’s become picky about the rest of his clothing. This concept applies to far more than physical growth as our kids test out respect, communication skills, personal boundaries, etc,. The result—us parents are left wondering if these challenging behaviours will ever end and perhaps even questioning our ability to parent.

When you take all of the above myths and believe them, it causes plenty of uncertainty, self-doubt, worry, fear and guilt. These feelings make it hard for us to function and do our best work. Understanding that these are just myths…they are make-believe and do not match the reality of parenting at all…can help us decrease stress and increase our performance as parents. Parenting is not about being perfect—it is about unconditional love, for both our children and our selves!

Debbie Pokornik is the Chief Empowerment Officer of Empowering NRG. She is the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures and believes all parents can use support at some point in their parenting experience. For other great parenting tips or to book Debbie for keynotes/workshops, go to http://empoweringnrg.com

Guilty as Charged

If our feelings are signals meant to guide us in life, then guilt is a fantastic guide to tie into. It is one of those feelings that will shoot through us the moment we’ve ‘done something wrong’ and will easily be fed from our resulting thoughts and actions.

In my book Break Free of Parenting Pressures I mention that you can’t send someone on a guilt trip unless their bags are already packed. I hate to say it my bags seem to be packed and ready to go at a moments notice.

A trick I have found over the years to help me stand my ground is to ask myself where my guilt is coming from and then use that information to determine what action could arise as a result. For example, when I feel guilty for snapping at one of my kids, I might ask myself the following: Am I feeling guilty because I spoke harshly and hurt my son’s feelings when he didn’t deserve it? Is it because I said “No” to something that probably could have been a yes? Is it because I just gave a talk on using self-control and I was being a hypocrite by losing mine?

Figuring out what the answer is helps to guide me on where I should go next. If I spoke harshly and hurt feelings, my action might be to apologize to my son and perhaps explain why I behaved the way I did. I don’t do this as an attempt to excuse my behaviour or to change my mind about whatever he was asking for, but more to provide a learning opportunity for both of us. My apology is genuine.

If my guilt came from recognizing that my “No” was premature, I might apologize for snapping and reopen the conversation for discussion. When this happens I love to tell my child he has a second chance to “convince me” rather than just changing my answer to a “Yes”.

On the other hand if these feelings came about because I behaved like a hypocrite I usually need to go inside and look at what I said, how I truly behaved (there is a big difference between snapping at a person and losing self-control) and what this means for the information I’m sharing. Are my expectations unrealistic? Am I being too hard on myself? Is there a teaching point in this I can use in my next talk? Are any apologies necessary (to my son, to myself, to my audience)?

The point from all of this is that rather than feeling the guilt and then beating myself up over how badly I behaved, how I’ve damaged my child for life, or how unworthy I feel of calling myself a Parent Educator, etc, I use this feeling to guide me towards an action that will help me repair damage and grow from the experience. By doing this I feel I am taking this feeling and using it as the signal it was always intended to be rather than heading on the guilt trip my packed bags were ready to take me on.

Building Relationships, 5 Strategies for Building Strong Relationships and Information to Help You Avoid Relationship Pitfalls

Relationships are a key part of the human experience. How we interact with others influences the kind of relationships we build and how capable we feel as a person. Here are 5 strategies to help you focus on building strong relationships that last a life-time:

1. Talk openly about how you feel when the other person says or does something that arouses strong feelings. This applies to both good and bad feelings as relationships flourish when we share the things we like and unhealthy tension can be released when we share the things we don’t like. When done properly, talking openly about feelings helps our relationships to grow and provides us with opportunities to practice positive communication.

I often suggest people think in terms of “I statements” even if they aren’t comfortable actually using them yet. To think in I statements focus on what you are feeling and why.

i.e. “I feel disrespected (or hurt, angry, unimportant…) when I’m interrupted.” or “It hurts my feelings when I’m cut off in mid-sentence.”

Did you know: Starting statements with the pronoun You or demanding an answer with Why, make people more likely to go on the defensive and less likely to care how it made you feel? i.e. “You’re always interrupting me…why can’t you just listen!” or “Why do you always do that? I hate it when you interrupt!” Our goal is to share information, not blame the other or provoke a fight.

2. Look for the positives in the other person and make a point of sharing what you see. This can be easier said then done, as it is often the negative things that jump out at us. With practice, however, it becomes easier and when done on a regular basis helps everyone involved. When you point out the positives in another you strengthen your bond with that person and build a positive outlook for yourself. That makes you feel good and contributes to the self-esteem of the person you are complimenting. This results in more leeway when relationship problem arise, because the relationship is stronger and able to handle the stress.

i.e. “I love your sense of humor…you’re so creative.” or “I feel so relaxed around you – you’re so calm and sure of yourself.”

When a relationship has been going on for a while or when we are parenting/teaching, it becomes very easy to pick out the things that irritate us and point those out instead. If you can make it a habit to point out two positives for every correction, or critical comment you make, your relationship will still move in a positive direction.

Did you know: When we give in to our desire to point out the faults of others, and see changes in their behaviour, it’s usually because we have activated their internal critic? This is that little voice in their head that makes them second guess themselves and feel unworthy or undeserving of whatever good things life throws their way. In many relationships we are feeding the other person’s internal critic as we speak!

3. Accept other people for who they are without trying to mold them into the people you wish they could be. This is a tough one for many of us. It is often easier as an outsider looking in, to see where a person needs to personally develop (at least in our opinion). People will develop where they need to when they are ready…and not a moment sooner. If we can recognize this and allow them to grow at their own pace we are accepting them for who they are at that moment in time.

This is not the same as excusing inappropriate behaviours, or giving up on a person as if he is never going to change. By allowing him to be true to himself you actually help him recognize when changes are required. When the person you are dealing with is your child, be there to guide and set boundaries, but accept her just as she is.

Did you know: In almost every case, a person who is forced to change in order to be liked or accepted by another will change back when stressed? When people stay in a relationship because they are in love with who that person could one day become, they are likely to be very disappointed. People will only truly change when they believe that they need to!

4. Take the time to have fun in all of your relationships. Whether it is a smile shared with a colleague, a laugh with the neighbor, playing with your child or talking with your partner…all of these things build relationship and help us feel stronger. Once again this sounds easy to do, but often it is not. The stress we feel from a health concern, the worry we have about our child’s daycare, the disappointment we experience when we don’t get the job—all drain our energy making it hard for us to create quality moments with the people around us. As the tension mounts the more serious we become and the less effort we put into having fun. Laughter, story telling, and having caring conversation are just a few of the things that help to release that tension and replenishes our energy reserves.

Did you know: Although eating right, getting enough sleep, exercising, etc are important parts of healthy living, sometimes a few hours of fun that keeps you up too late (or dips into your health protocol in other ways), will do more to strengthen you than anything else. Positive human interaction strengthens us in ways little else can.

5. Find the time to focus on your own personal development so that you can be a strong, active member in every relationship that you are involved in. To be effective in any relationship you must first be able to survive on your own. This is a HUGE topic that can’t be covered fully here, but is too important to leave out completely. A relationship is only as strong as the people involved in it. If you are overly dependent on your partner/friend, indulging in hyper-parenting, or unable to detach from your own parent(s) you will struggle in other areas of your life. A strong relationship is built on independence that becomes interdependent (i.e. the people involved are independently working together towards a common goal). Personal development is what life is all about. It does not indicate weakness or incompetence…it indicates that we are alive.

Did you know: The strength of a relationship is not measured by how much you need the other person…but rather by how much you can be yourself with that person and still feel confident he/she will stick around.

These are just some of the things we can do to build healthy, strong relationships with the people in our lives. It isn’t always easy and never really feels finished…but like all important things in life, it is well worth the effort.

Debbie Pokornik is the Chief Empowerment Officer for Empowering NRG and the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures; Embrace Your Natural Guidance. For more information go to http://www.empoweringnrg.com

Am I Ruining My Child For Life?

All parents will benefit from support at some point in their parenting journey – there is no reason to feel bad about it.

I find it very interesting how most of us recognize parenting as such an important job AND believe we should know all the answers for how to deal with every situation. We understand our children are our future…our future leaders, our future workforce (the people who provide us with services after we’ve retired) and even our future in-laws (pool of people our kids will get to choose their partners from)...and this makes parenting a critical task in our society.

We are also well aware that people have been parenting for eons and that it is one of the most natural roles we will take on in our lifetime. In fact, it is those people who--for a variety of reasons--end up not having children that might be subjected to questioning and raised eyebrows.

The message: We should be able to raise strong, resilient, healthy, caring kids who will contribute positively to our society, and we should be able to do it naturally.

This way of thinking sets parents up for a struggle right from the start. It becomes a job loaded with self-doubt, uncertainty, guilt, confusion, and major stress.

“Am I ruining my child for life?” We wonder, shaking our head at the memory of the blow-out we had just that morning. “Why am I the only one who doesn’t seem to be able to do this right?”…”If I let him get away with that am I spoiling him?”

These are normal questions asked by parents all over the continent and they really do cause us no end of grief. When self-doubt kicks in our performance drops significantly, influencing our patience, our creativity and our tolerance level. So, my thoughts to any parents reading this…

Know that you are perfect at being you—no one else can do as good a job as you can—AND by extension you are the perfect parent for your child.

You will make mistakes, you will have moments when you simply don’t know what to do and you will wish for opportunities to rewind and do it over again differently. These are the moments that help us learn and grow.

If we can tie into our own inner knowledge, keep an open mind in terms of learning new ideas, and be willing to ask for help when things threaten to overwhelm, we will be doing our best job and what more can anyone ask for?

Two Wrongs Don't Make It Right

When people make a negative statement about themselves they are looking for understanding…not correction.

Yet how often when we hear our kids say, “I’m stupid,” or “Nobody likes me,” do we correct? Unfortunately most of us have a built in response when we hear a statement like that and can’t help but want to fix it. Our kids are so precious to us and the thought that they might actually believe that statement breaks our heart.

People make these kinds of statements because they are hurting, testing, repeating what they see their role models do or trying to express something they don’t know how else to express. If we can respond with something calm and supportive, we are opening the door to safe communication.

We are not ignoring the comment, but we aren’t reacting to it either. If your child likes hugs, you might ask him, “Do you need a hug?” If he looks quite upset, but not open to a hug you might try an inquiry, “Has something happened to make you feel this way?” Sometimes all it takes is a quizzical look for them to tell us more.

When statements like this are made our child needs us, but not in the way we might think. By allowing our kids to feel whatever negative feeling is shooting through him at the moment without turning it into a further correction, we are opening the door to the real story or feeling being released.

It will never be easy to listen to our kids talk this way, but if we can use the opportunity to really hear them their self-esteem will grow as a result. If not and your child seems to be making a habit of these kinds of statements, look carefully at what is being modeled for him and/or try a gentle correction like, “You happen to be talking about someone I think is pretty incredible…care to explain yourself?”

Just Do It!

Personal development is something we do for ourselves that benefits so many others. Kids learn more from what we do than what we say.

It seems strange that the best way to help our kids grow into great people is to focus on growing into great people ourselves, yet it is absolutely true. The way we behave, how we take care of ourselves and how we treat other people will influence our children more than anything we “tell” them to do.

When we push ourselves out of our comfort zone and force ourselves to grow beyond our current knowledge and abilities, we are role modeling for our kids the very behaviour we would like them to adopt. Their issues and areas of growth might not be the same, but the message is still picked up.

When Nike came up with the slogan “Just Do It!” they were describing far more than most of us imagined.