Am I Ruining My Child For Life?

All parents will benefit from support at some point in their parenting journey – there is no reason to feel bad about it.

I find it very interesting how most of us recognize parenting as such an important job AND believe we should know all the answers for how to deal with every situation. We understand our children are our future…our future leaders, our future workforce (the people who provide us with services after we’ve retired) and even our future in-laws (pool of people our kids will get to choose their partners from)...and this makes parenting a critical task in our society.

We are also well aware that people have been parenting for eons and that it is one of the most natural roles we will take on in our lifetime. In fact, it is those people who--for a variety of reasons--end up not having children that might be subjected to questioning and raised eyebrows.

The message: We should be able to raise strong, resilient, healthy, caring kids who will contribute positively to our society, and we should be able to do it naturally.

This way of thinking sets parents up for a struggle right from the start. It becomes a job loaded with self-doubt, uncertainty, guilt, confusion, and major stress.

“Am I ruining my child for life?” We wonder, shaking our head at the memory of the blow-out we had just that morning. “Why am I the only one who doesn’t seem to be able to do this right?”…”If I let him get away with that am I spoiling him?”

These are normal questions asked by parents all over the continent and they really do cause us no end of grief. When self-doubt kicks in our performance drops significantly, influencing our patience, our creativity and our tolerance level. So, my thoughts to any parents reading this…

Know that you are perfect at being you—no one else can do as good a job as you can—AND by extension you are the perfect parent for your child.

You will make mistakes, you will have moments when you simply don’t know what to do and you will wish for opportunities to rewind and do it over again differently. These are the moments that help us learn and grow.

If we can tie into our own inner knowledge, keep an open mind in terms of learning new ideas, and be willing to ask for help when things threaten to overwhelm, we will be doing our best job and what more can anyone ask for?

Does Parenting Really Have To Be This Hard?

There was a time in my parenting life, when I really wondered if the amount of effort I was putting into raising my kids was worth the effort. I had a lot of great reasons for parenting the way I did, but on the more trying of days I couldn’t help but think I was making it harder than it needed to be.

Looking at it now I realize I found this job so hard for the following reasons:

1. I cared a lot about doing a good job and being a great parent
2. Because I cared about doing a good job, I was putting a lot of energy into being self aware and analyzing why things had gone the way they did
3. Because I was analyzing things so much and really looking for the “reason” behind things, I was taking both my own and my kids mistakes/failures personally
4. Because I was taking things personally I was allowing self-doubt, guilt and uncertainty to weigh me down

I thought this would be an interesting revelation to share with fellow parents. Parenting (in my opinion) is harder when you really care about doing a good job. The other reasons were caused more by my own efforts and less from anything my kids were doing.

If I hadn’t cared so much, I might have just reacted – punished when it suited my purpose and raised kids who listened to me because they felt they had no other choice. I don’t mean to be minimizing the challenges faced by parents who have taken this route or to even suggest it is wrong, but I can tell you this…

Today I have strong, positive relationships with my kids. They truly are wonderful teens – sure my son wears his pants too low, exhausts me with his negotiating and has a real “smart” mouth at times. He’s a “C” average student in high school and I’m sure will make some “interesting” choices as life goes along. Despite this, he is well liked, communicative and respectful most of the time.

My daughter gets involved (sometimes causes) all kinds of friendship drama at school and has a look that can kill from twenty feet away. Her room is messy beyond belief and she avoids chores like the plague. But she is also very caring, determined, self assured and creative. She excels at school and is quick to pick up when people are not respecting her boundaries.

Both of them make me laugh a lot and bring way more joy into my life than they could ever take from it. I have, and will continue, to make numerous parenting errors…but somehow I now know these things only add to the parenting experience.

So, if you are parenting young children, putting in a lot of effort and questioning if it is worth it, I believe it truly is. I think I would have benefited from hearing that back when those feelings were surfacing for me and that is why I share this story.

I would love to hear your thoughts and stories…

Debbie Pokornik is the owner of empowering NRG. She is the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures and believes all parents can use support at some point in their parenting experience. For other great parenting tips or to book Debbie for keynotes/workshops, go to http://empoweringnrg.com/