When people make a negative statement about themselves they are looking for understanding…not correction.
Yet how often when we hear our kids say, “I’m stupid,” or “Nobody likes me,” do we correct? Unfortunately most of us have a built in response when we hear a statement like that and can’t help but want to fix it. Our kids are so precious to us and the thought that they might actually believe that statement breaks our heart.
People make these kinds of statements because they are hurting, testing, repeating what they see their role models do or trying to express something they don’t know how else to express. If we can respond with something calm and supportive, we are opening the door to safe communication.
We are not ignoring the comment, but we aren’t reacting to it either. If your child likes hugs, you might ask him, “Do you need a hug?” If he looks quite upset, but not open to a hug you might try an inquiry, “Has something happened to make you feel this way?” Sometimes all it takes is a quizzical look for them to tell us more.
When statements like this are made our child needs us, but not in the way we might think. By allowing our kids to feel whatever negative feeling is shooting through him at the moment without turning it into a further correction, we are opening the door to the real story or feeling being released.
It will never be easy to listen to our kids talk this way, but if we can use the opportunity to really hear them their self-esteem will grow as a result. If not and your child seems to be making a habit of these kinds of statements, look carefully at what is being modeled for him and/or try a gentle correction like, “You happen to be talking about someone I think is pretty incredible…care to explain yourself?”
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