Learning to Get Past Awkwardness

Any time we try learning something new we are faced with a sense of awkwardness. This in itself is not a problem as there is a natural cycle involved in learning new things and awkwardness is step one of that cycle. What is a problem however is the fact that this awkwardness often opens the door for what I call the Big 5, which makes learning harder and increases our chance of quitting before moving out of the awkward stage.

The Big 5 refer to the following:

1. Self-doubt – wondering if we are doing it right, feeling like we are the only one who doesn’t get it, sure people will ridicule us for not knowing something “obvious”.
   
2. Uncertainty – this type of uncertainty is when we are not sure if we are good enough, questioning if we have what it takes to really succeed or if maybe we are just fooling ourselves by trying.
   
3. Worry – wondering if our behaviour and inability to do things well might hurt other people, like our kids, our spouses, our clients…as well as worry that we might never get it, that we are one of the few who are destined to fail.
   
4. Fear – this is really the underlying factor for all of the above; fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of ridicule. A main problem with fear is it resides in the very same place as trust so the two cannot comfortably co-exist. Trust is exactly what you need to get past fear, but fear is pretty pushy.
   
5. Guilt – this feeling arises as a result of all the others; if only I was better, smarter, quicker…if only I had tried harder…if only I had more patience…

The problem with the Big 5 is that they are drainers. They are often an “all or nothing deal” that strive to take our full attention when they are around. They rob energy from us and make it impossible for us to do our best work. This means that right when we are trying to learn something new and should be cutting ourselves some extra slack, these things interfere and make us less capable and less understanding.

They also like to awaken their friends—inner critic and limiting beliefs. The inner critic is the voice that plays in your head and reminds you of all your “apparent” shortcomings, while your limiting beliefs are ideas you have inherited and think you must follow to be safe. Both of these things get in the way, protecting you from really growing and reaching your potential.

An interesting thing about the Big 5 is that unlike the natural cycle of learning, they are a human-made product. They are not a natural part of learning, but a by-product of a society that judges people on what they do or don’t do well. This type of society points fingers of blame when things go wrong causing people to shirk responsibility for their actions and minimize or justify their mistakes. It is one where criticism and comparison are the norm causing people to feel that if they don’t measure up to society standards they are failures.

I bring this up because it’s important for all of us to recognize that the Big 5 are not a natural part of our world, but one we have created. Blaming society will not do anything except increase the problem we already have. Awareness is the key. If people are aware of the Big 5 they can begin to take steps to rid themselves of these draining energies – or at the very least know these feelings come in through a doorway only they can close.

When we refuse to allow these feelings to determine our actions and learn ways to stop them in their tracks, we are putting ourselves in the driver’s seat of our lives and are ready to really benefit from all that we learn.

Learning something will always be awkward, but with practice and determination will eventually lead to authentic and even automatic behaviour. With the Big 5 getting in our way, our learning struggles to even get off the ground.

Which one do you think offers a better journey?

Responsible Kids; Deciding When to Pass the Torch

When our children are young we make a lot of decisions for them. What they can eat, when they should sleep, how long they should stay outside, how much TV or video time they can handle and so on. We also create rules and limitations about certain behaviours in an effort to keep our kids safe. Making these decisions and getting our kids to do what we decide is not always easy, but most of us recognize it as an important part of our job.

The theory is that as our kids grow our restrictions and limitations will start to ease off, and our kids will be allowed to make more of their own decisions. They’ll do this based on the guidance we have given them along with their own ability to think through consequences and possible dangers.

If we succeed with this task we will raise happy, well-adjusted, independent thinkers who, by the time they are adults, will be ready to make good, informed, decisions and contribute to society in a healthy way.

As with most theories, things do not always work out this way.

For one thing, deciding when our kids are mature enough to try riskier behaviours is really tough. Things like; filling their own glass, playing unsupervised, being alone in the bathroom, lighting a candle, cutting with a sharp knife, or pouring hot liquids, just to name a few. There are no obvious markers telling us when our kids are ready to do these things without starting a major fire, getting into something dangerous or cutting off their fingers.

Additionally, if we allow our kids a chance to try these things and an accident occurs… many of us feel responsible for misjudging our child’s ability and putting him in dangers way. If there’s a hospital visit involved we’re often embarrassed or afraid that someone will mark us as an unfit parent. Even when it’s something we can handle at home, we are often hit with self-doubt and start second guessing our ability to do this job. As a result, after an accident such as this, many parents are hesitant to allow their child another chance to take a risk.

Yet, when you think about it, even adults have accidents. We leave elements on, slice our fingers, fall down stairs, burn ourselves and so on. This means if we are waiting until our kids are definitely ready with no risk of accident, we might be doing this job forever.

I am a strong believer that to teach people how to do things for themselves we have to give them opportunities to practice—make mistakes—and grow from those situations. I do not believe a certain age will suddenly equal ability or create an interest in something they might not have been mature enough to handle the day before.

For example, where I live children are not allowed to be left alone until they are twelve years old. Interestingly at twelve they are also assumed capable of looking after other—younger children (there are some exceptions for siblings). Does this make sense? If you can’t be left on your own when you are eleven and the next day you turn twelve, how do you suddenly know how to look after yourself… never mind kids younger than you?

Of course with proper leadership and practice a child can be more than ready on their twelfth birthday to take on this responsibility (some are fully capable at ten!), but it is not turning twelve that made that happen. The same is true for working with a stove top, lighting a fire, cutting up food with sharp knives, etc.

Knowing when and how to pass our child the torch is something every parent will eventually face. There is no simple answer as every family situation is a little different and therefore unique to the people involved.

There are a few things that will definitely make the process easier, like;

· allowing kids to make realistic choices from a young age
· role modeling safe practices
· explaining dangers in language appropriate terms
· allowing lots of supervised practice

It is also helpful to build strong relationships based on mutual respect so our kids won’t fear telling us when they make a mistake. This allows them to come to us when the knife has slipped rather than trying to staunch their bleeding thumb on their own.

In the end, we as parents have to make these decisions on an individual basis. Some kids will seem ready to accept the torch earlier than the “socially acceptable” age. Other’s will take much longer and might always appear at risk of starting fires along the way. In both cases, there are never any guarantees that mistakes will not be made.

There is a lot of benefit to letting your child know that he can handle anything and if he is not ready now to use the stove (knife, pour hot liquid…) on his own, you have no doubt with practice he will get there. This, of course, is what life is all about.

We make mistakes even as adults… and as it turns out, it’s this fear of making the wrong decision and messing up that causes many of us to fail to pass the torch in the first place.

Becoming Aware of Life-Changing Moments

Have you ever noticed when some people (often famous) talk about the things in their lives that shaped them or made them who they are today, it is often done with great reverence and respect for what the experience taught them? Sometimes, the situation they are describing is quite horrific making us wonder how they survived much less managed to forgive and move on.

Yet, these people are not resentful, angry or otherwise bothered by the situation life threw their way. In fact, often they publically recognize that it was those horrific circumstances that helped them become the person they are today and in the end they are thankful for it!

Thinking about your own experiences, what kinds of things shaped you into the person you are today? What situations in your past forced you to grow and changed you forever as a person? Was it all the wonderful breaks you were given, the silver spoon or other lifts up you received throughout life? My guess is it was not.

Most often it is the challenging situations, humiliation, traumas, toxic or dangerous relationships that actually help us grow the most. The trick with this growth seems to be our ability to move past the emotion and allow the learning to take place. This means putting aside the bitterness, resentment, hurt or desire for justice and focusing instead on how we can heal.

If we can taste bitterness when we share our story, or feel waves of regret about how we wish it had turned out, we are still holding strong to the emotion of the experience and not allowing personal growth to occur. It’s like we are jabbing a fish hook and line into the cheek of the story every time we pull it up, leaving us with a secure tie to the feelings and many frustrations as to why we can’t let go and move on.

The truth is, the “famous” person, is often well known because he or she has dealt with major challenges and despite the odds overcome them. Of course, not all people who overcome their challenges will be (or even want to be) famous, but these kinds of stories do fascinate us and with social media the way it is, these stories of resiliency can get press time mighty fast.

So I challenge all of us (myself included) to remember this the next time a challenging situation comes our way and do what we can to take the learning and move on. If you want to give this a try here are a few things to keep in mind:

• Challenges, traumas, and bad experiences are opportunities for growth spurts in life. Personal development is on-going, but without problems we’d likely never willingly take them on.
  
• Trying to “save” others from making the same or similar mistakes to what we experienced is not helping them grow, but quite possibly stifling their growth. One of my favorite quotes (although I’m not sure who wrote it) seems very fitting here… “A ship is safe at harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.”
  
• When we can recognize the learning in any experience we have had and focus on it instead of the aggravating emotion that brought it to our awareness (i.e. hurt, resentment, jealousy…), we can reap the benefit of the experience and begin growing. This might mean changing our way of thinking from blaming those involved to actually thanking them for bringing this opportunity into our life.
  
• Although we are all here together and definitely draw strength from our relationships with others, every person’s journey is unique. There is no “one size fits all” answer to any challenge we might be facing. While looking outside of ourselves might give us insight and guidance into directions that will help us, the key to moving forwards will always come from within. In other words, you are the expert in your own life—dig deep and look for the answers that truly resonate for you.

In closing, if you want to really cash in on the personal development opportunities that come your way, accept who you are, embrace life’s challenges as opportunities for personal growth, and let go of any strong, negative emotions you’ve attached to the experience. Sounds simple…but fish hooks aren’t always easy to remove and depending on the number it can take a lot of time, patience and self forgiveness.

Debbie Pokornik is the Chief Empowerment Officer for Empowering NRG and the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures; Embrace Your Natural Guidance. She believes personal development is key to unlocking life’s little treasures and when people are ready the rewards are great. For more info check out http://www.empoweringnrg.com

5 Parenting Myths That Increase Stress and Decrease Performance

Myth #1 – Parenting is natural.

Actually becoming a parent is usually a natural act, our bodies are made to do this task and unless there is something interfering with that happening, we can become pregnant without knowing anything about the process. Parenting, however, is not natural but a learned ability that can be wonderful and baffling at the same time. The areas we need to grow in will be unique to each of us making this experience different from everyone else. If we believe parenting is natural, it becomes very hard to understand why we are so challenged by it.

Myth #2 – I am the only person who struggles with parenting.

This is a myth that is so wide spread and fully believed that it can be challenging to find people who will openly talk about it. Nobody wants to admit they are struggling with a task that has been done for eons—in some cases by people with an obvious lack of skills and ability. It often looks easy from the outside which can make us think no one else is struggling like we are. Everyone who cares about being a parent will struggle with some aspect of parenting. This job is all about growth and growth always requires adjustment and learning. The majority of parents will admit (sometimes only in private) that there are some pieces of parenting they just don’t know how to handle.

Myth #3 – Once a parenting tool is learned it will work effectively for many years and with every child.

It would be wonderful if this was the case, but unfortunately our parenting pack needs to grow with our kids and our own personal development. Barbara Coloroso says “A tool known is a tool blown,” meaning that once our kids figure out how or why a tool works it actually loses its effectiveness. When our kids present with a challenging behaviour we typically try the tools we already know to see if one of them will work effectively with the situation. If it does, we use it a few times until either the child stops the behaviour (an effective tool will always result in a positive change, although it can take a few tries as our child checks for consistency) or the tool stops working. When the tool “wears out” many parents will simply increase the threat level that comes with this used up tool rather than switch to a new one. Being a parent requires us to have many different tools in our parenting pack so we can use different tools with different kids and in different situations.

Myth #4 – If a parenting tool is any good it will work right away and feel comfortable right from the start.

Developing a new skill—no matter how simple it might seem—will always be hard for us to do. Change is never an easy thing and learning new skills takes practice. As with any personal development that we do, newly acquired parenting skills and strategies will usually be awkward for the first while and feel foreign to the user. To make matters even worse this new skill goes from feeling awkward to feeling fake, before it moves on to a level of comfort. The results might still be positive…it’s just the feeling we have when we try something new that makes it feel strange. As a result, most new tools are discarded—not because they didn’t work, but because they feel awkward to use.

Myth #5 – Once a challenging behaviour has been corrected it will be smooth sailing for the rest of our parenting experience.

Since parenting is really all about personal development—and there seems to be no end to that in our lifetime—we should know that our kids will always present us with something new to deal with. This isn’t because they are bad people or because we are lacking as a parent, but more because growth, in the parenting experience, is constant. As our kids mature their needs change and so do the challenges.

A very concrete example might be buying our kids runners. When they are young they might grow so fast they hardly even scuff the shoe bottoms before it’s time to pass them on. The result—we need to buy them new runners before we are ready. When their feet finally stop growing they might wear their runners out in a week of skate-boarding, outdoor winter wear or other “tough” activities. The result—we need to buy new runners before we are ready. Although the first problem was resolved, the result is still a need for new shoes. In other situations it will be the result that is different—like his feet finally stop growing and now he’s become picky about the rest of his clothing. This concept applies to far more than physical growth as our kids test out respect, communication skills, personal boundaries, etc,. The result—us parents are left wondering if these challenging behaviours will ever end and perhaps even questioning our ability to parent.

When you take all of the above myths and believe them, it causes plenty of uncertainty, self-doubt, worry, fear and guilt. These feelings make it hard for us to function and do our best work. Understanding that these are just myths…they are make-believe and do not match the reality of parenting at all…can help us decrease stress and increase our performance as parents. Parenting is not about being perfect—it is about unconditional love, for both our children and our selves!

Debbie Pokornik is the Chief Empowerment Officer of Empowering NRG. She is the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures and believes all parents can use support at some point in their parenting experience. For other great parenting tips or to book Debbie for keynotes/workshops, go to http://empoweringnrg.com

Is it the Dog Whisperer or the Kid Whisperer?

The Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan never fails to remind me of how qualities, skills and behaviours important to being a good dog owner, overlap with those that will help us be effective as parents.

Here are just five of the beautiful parallels I’ve picked up from Cesar’s show:

1) Use calm, assertive energy. People and animals pick up on our energy and react accordingly. If you are pretending to be happy, when inside you are seething or fearful you are not fooling anyone. Calm assertive energy is not weak, nor threatening. It tells the other you mean business and are fully in control of yourself. When our child’s emotions are escalating and we start getting riled up as well, we make the situation much worse than it needs to be.

2) Establish who’s boss. I can feel the hackles going up on some people when they read these words, but hear me out. With dogs this means letting the dog know you are in charge and ultimately they need to live by your rules. You are Alpha and to be in your pack they must accept this. With kids it is only slightly different. When our kids are little they do need to recognize us as boss and when it comes to things like safety, we need them to obey. The difference is with kids we are “grooming” them to eventually take over the boss position in their own lives, which means in many situations it is not imperative that we win. Choose your battles wisely and teach your child to stand up for her own beliefs in an assertive way, while still respecting and understanding authority.

3) Use a clear, consistent message. Figure out your main rules, teach them and enforce them. If the rule is “No going in the pool without permission”, and your water loving dog is jumping in uninvited at any given opportunity, Cesar suggests you teach him he must wait for your permission to enter. Correct him every time he tries to go in on his own so he learns to watch you before going in. With children it is essential we teach them what our rules are and then consistently enforce them. If it’s not important enough to enforce, do NOT have it as a rule. Your young child might not understand why she can’t go in the pool when you’re not around, but she needs to know it is important she not do so.

4) Plan for success. Cesar talks about taking the time to exercise, feed and share affection with your dog – twice daily, but especially – before taking him to something stressful or new. This way you are dealing with a relaxed, content dog instead of one filled with intense energy. Again with kids this is good practice as a child filled with excited energy is going to struggle with sitting still at the doctor’s office, their sibling’s concert, or a restaurant. Just like with our dog, our child’s body language can tell us much about what might be about to come. Preventing our child’s blow-out by having toys, snacks and other attention grabbers available can make the difference between an enjoyable evening and one that ends in tears.

5) Work in the present. This is one of Cesar’s most powerful messages (in my opinion) – a dog does not benefit by people dwelling on the awfulness he might have experienced in his past. We hurt him more by feeling sorry for him, expecting less of him and coddling him because of previous injury or trauma. Focus on the present and believe in the kind of dog he instinctually is. The same is true with people. People do not get stronger when we feel sorry for them and dwell on the things they’ve been through. This doesn’t mean we can’t hug a hurt child, or console a newly broken-up teen, but it does mean if we see her as wounded or to teach her to blame others for her situation we will not help her embrace her inner power and be strengthened. Teach your kids to take only the teachings from the past and then embrace their power in the present.

In closing, there are definitely areas of dog rearing that are going to differ from raising children. We would not, for example, wrestle our kids into the submissive position on the ground, tie a leash around their necks or stick tennis racquets in their mouths to stop biting. But with a little bit of good sense anyone can see there are plenty of positive parallels for us to learn from.

Relationships are built on things like respect, communication, consistency, trust, acceptance, etc., and it appears this is true whether we are dealing with a dog or a child. So if you’re not sure about your ability as a parent, take a look at your dog…perhaps there are some lessons there you can learn from.

Note: This article expresses the understanding of the author and not necessary that of Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer.

Debbie Pokornik is the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures; Embrace Your Natural Guidance and helps people embrace their personal power in all aspects of life. More information can be found at http://www.empoweringnrg.com/ . She is an avid fan of Cesar Millan and puts a lot of positive energy into being the Alpha with her dog and her kids.