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Understanding Is Not The Same As Empathizing

Understanding is an interesting term when it comes to dealing with other people. Most of us totally get that before we can build something we must first understand the parts that are needed and how it goes together before jumping into the task (or at least us women do :) . If we’re asked to be on a committee, most of us will at least try to understand what’s expected of us before agreeing to do the job.

When it comes to people however, this is a whole different ball game. We cannot control how others think, what they believe, how they feel, or how they act. What we are told to do, is to try to put ourselves as completely as we can in the other person’s shoes so we can understand where they are coming from…in other words, we empathize. When we do this, however, other problems arise.

For example, if you come from a secure family where you feel loved, appreciated, respected and understood and you’re trying to empathize with a much younger person growing up in an abusive, broken home, how well do you think you’d be able to relate to life in his shoes? The likelihood that you will sympathize instead of empathizing is much greater and feeling sorry for someone never helps them at all.

This is also a place where values can interfere as you might assume that something like honesty, that is important to you, will be equally important to him. That might suggest to you that he would only steal if he was desperate, when in fact he might have been raised to believe stealing is not a bad thing and desperation has nothing to do with it. In this case, you might put yourself in his shoes, feel the desperation and get a totally different picture from what was actually going on for him.

There will always be information you won’t know about when you are trying to truly understand the actions of others. When you take the time to search for this data and really get a complete picture, you are making the effort to understand. Empathizing is an important first step, but it is not enough.

So what do you do?

In Dr. Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he suggests you seek first to understand before you are understood. I believe this is a critical part of truly being understanding. This starts with recognizing that “simple understanding” is actually an oxymoron or contradiction – it will never be easy to truly understand where another person is coming from.

Understanding requires research, and that research must be done with an open-mind and heart. In order to get a true picture of what is going on for that person you must have a willingness and desire to gather the missing pieces—and those can only come from the person involved.

Start by empathizing, as previously discussed, then, use positive communication skills…like active or empathic listening, clarifying questions, and open-door techniques… to help understand what he is saying. Put on your inspector’s cap and objectively start searching for more information. A good inspector will keep an open-mind and leave his emotions out of the conversation. Helpful conversation starters might be the following:

· Help me understand what was going on for you when this happened.
· I really want to understand how this happened. Can you help me do that?
· I’m willing to help you deal with this situation, but I’m going to need more information to really understand it first…can you help with that?

The voice you use, your body language and your previous history with the person are all going to factor in to how quickly and easily he feels safe enough to share. Patience and open-mindedness are going to be extremely important during this time.

If you’re feeling emotional before the conversation begins, it’s a good idea to ask for time before talking since it’s quite likely you’ll head in to the talk ready to fight (or defend). This happens because you are taking things personally and while this is a very human thing to do, it will not help the situation.

When you are in the conversation, be as neutral as you can while hearing this person’s story and be sure your body language reflects the same. Try hard not to judge and to really hear what he has to say.

When you feel you understand his side of the story and have reflected that back to him as best you can, it’s time to share your side of the picture. At that point the goal is to work towards solution, and if you have done a good job of understanding this will often be the easy part.
According to The Virtues Project™, “understanding is the power to think and learn and also care”. Coming from a place of compassion without prior judgment, especially when you feel hurt, angry or embarrassed is never easy. It is, however, a building block to strong relationships and that is always worth the effort.

Learning to Get Past Awkwardness

Any time we try learning something new we are faced with a sense of awkwardness. This in itself is not a problem as there is a natural cycle involved in learning new things and awkwardness is step one of that cycle. What is a problem however is the fact that this awkwardness often opens the door for what I call the Big 5, which makes learning harder and increases our chance of quitting before moving out of the awkward stage.

The Big 5 refer to the following:

1. Self-doubt – wondering if we are doing it right, feeling like we are the only one who doesn’t get it, sure people will ridicule us for not knowing something “obvious”.
   
2. Uncertainty – this type of uncertainty is when we are not sure if we are good enough, questioning if we have what it takes to really succeed or if maybe we are just fooling ourselves by trying.
   
3. Worry – wondering if our behaviour and inability to do things well might hurt other people, like our kids, our spouses, our clients…as well as worry that we might never get it, that we are one of the few who are destined to fail.
   
4. Fear – this is really the underlying factor for all of the above; fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of ridicule. A main problem with fear is it resides in the very same place as trust so the two cannot comfortably co-exist. Trust is exactly what you need to get past fear, but fear is pretty pushy.
   
5. Guilt – this feeling arises as a result of all the others; if only I was better, smarter, quicker…if only I had tried harder…if only I had more patience…

The problem with the Big 5 is that they are drainers. They are often an “all or nothing deal” that strive to take our full attention when they are around. They rob energy from us and make it impossible for us to do our best work. This means that right when we are trying to learn something new and should be cutting ourselves some extra slack, these things interfere and make us less capable and less understanding.

They also like to awaken their friends—inner critic and limiting beliefs. The inner critic is the voice that plays in your head and reminds you of all your “apparent” shortcomings, while your limiting beliefs are ideas you have inherited and think you must follow to be safe. Both of these things get in the way, protecting you from really growing and reaching your potential.

An interesting thing about the Big 5 is that unlike the natural cycle of learning, they are a human-made product. They are not a natural part of learning, but a by-product of a society that judges people on what they do or don’t do well. This type of society points fingers of blame when things go wrong causing people to shirk responsibility for their actions and minimize or justify their mistakes. It is one where criticism and comparison are the norm causing people to feel that if they don’t measure up to society standards they are failures.

I bring this up because it’s important for all of us to recognize that the Big 5 are not a natural part of our world, but one we have created. Blaming society will not do anything except increase the problem we already have. Awareness is the key. If people are aware of the Big 5 they can begin to take steps to rid themselves of these draining energies – or at the very least know these feelings come in through a doorway only they can close.

When we refuse to allow these feelings to determine our actions and learn ways to stop them in their tracks, we are putting ourselves in the driver’s seat of our lives and are ready to really benefit from all that we learn.

Learning something will always be awkward, but with practice and determination will eventually lead to authentic and even automatic behaviour. With the Big 5 getting in our way, our learning struggles to even get off the ground.

Which one do you think offers a better journey?

Responsible Kids; Deciding When to Pass the Torch

When our children are young we make a lot of decisions for them. What they can eat, when they should sleep, how long they should stay outside, how much TV or video time they can handle and so on. We also create rules and limitations about certain behaviours in an effort to keep our kids safe. Making these decisions and getting our kids to do what we decide is not always easy, but most of us recognize it as an important part of our job.

The theory is that as our kids grow our restrictions and limitations will start to ease off, and our kids will be allowed to make more of their own decisions. They’ll do this based on the guidance we have given them along with their own ability to think through consequences and possible dangers.

If we succeed with this task we will raise happy, well-adjusted, independent thinkers who, by the time they are adults, will be ready to make good, informed, decisions and contribute to society in a healthy way.

As with most theories, things do not always work out this way.

For one thing, deciding when our kids are mature enough to try riskier behaviours is really tough. Things like; filling their own glass, playing unsupervised, being alone in the bathroom, lighting a candle, cutting with a sharp knife, or pouring hot liquids, just to name a few. There are no obvious markers telling us when our kids are ready to do these things without starting a major fire, getting into something dangerous or cutting off their fingers.

Additionally, if we allow our kids a chance to try these things and an accident occurs… many of us feel responsible for misjudging our child’s ability and putting him in dangers way. If there’s a hospital visit involved we’re often embarrassed or afraid that someone will mark us as an unfit parent. Even when it’s something we can handle at home, we are often hit with self-doubt and start second guessing our ability to do this job. As a result, after an accident such as this, many parents are hesitant to allow their child another chance to take a risk.

Yet, when you think about it, even adults have accidents. We leave elements on, slice our fingers, fall down stairs, burn ourselves and so on. This means if we are waiting until our kids are definitely ready with no risk of accident, we might be doing this job forever.

I am a strong believer that to teach people how to do things for themselves we have to give them opportunities to practice—make mistakes—and grow from those situations. I do not believe a certain age will suddenly equal ability or create an interest in something they might not have been mature enough to handle the day before.

For example, where I live children are not allowed to be left alone until they are twelve years old. Interestingly at twelve they are also assumed capable of looking after other—younger children (there are some exceptions for siblings). Does this make sense? If you can’t be left on your own when you are eleven and the next day you turn twelve, how do you suddenly know how to look after yourself… never mind kids younger than you?

Of course with proper leadership and practice a child can be more than ready on their twelfth birthday to take on this responsibility (some are fully capable at ten!), but it is not turning twelve that made that happen. The same is true for working with a stove top, lighting a fire, cutting up food with sharp knives, etc.

Knowing when and how to pass our child the torch is something every parent will eventually face. There is no simple answer as every family situation is a little different and therefore unique to the people involved.

There are a few things that will definitely make the process easier, like;

· allowing kids to make realistic choices from a young age
· role modeling safe practices
· explaining dangers in language appropriate terms
· allowing lots of supervised practice

It is also helpful to build strong relationships based on mutual respect so our kids won’t fear telling us when they make a mistake. This allows them to come to us when the knife has slipped rather than trying to staunch their bleeding thumb on their own.

In the end, we as parents have to make these decisions on an individual basis. Some kids will seem ready to accept the torch earlier than the “socially acceptable” age. Other’s will take much longer and might always appear at risk of starting fires along the way. In both cases, there are never any guarantees that mistakes will not be made.

There is a lot of benefit to letting your child know that he can handle anything and if he is not ready now to use the stove (knife, pour hot liquid…) on his own, you have no doubt with practice he will get there. This, of course, is what life is all about.

We make mistakes even as adults… and as it turns out, it’s this fear of making the wrong decision and messing up that causes many of us to fail to pass the torch in the first place.

Becoming Aware of Life-Changing Moments

Have you ever noticed when some people (often famous) talk about the things in their lives that shaped them or made them who they are today, it is often done with great reverence and respect for what the experience taught them? Sometimes, the situation they are describing is quite horrific making us wonder how they survived much less managed to forgive and move on.

Yet, these people are not resentful, angry or otherwise bothered by the situation life threw their way. In fact, often they publically recognize that it was those horrific circumstances that helped them become the person they are today and in the end they are thankful for it!

Thinking about your own experiences, what kinds of things shaped you into the person you are today? What situations in your past forced you to grow and changed you forever as a person? Was it all the wonderful breaks you were given, the silver spoon or other lifts up you received throughout life? My guess is it was not.

Most often it is the challenging situations, humiliation, traumas, toxic or dangerous relationships that actually help us grow the most. The trick with this growth seems to be our ability to move past the emotion and allow the learning to take place. This means putting aside the bitterness, resentment, hurt or desire for justice and focusing instead on how we can heal.

If we can taste bitterness when we share our story, or feel waves of regret about how we wish it had turned out, we are still holding strong to the emotion of the experience and not allowing personal growth to occur. It’s like we are jabbing a fish hook and line into the cheek of the story every time we pull it up, leaving us with a secure tie to the feelings and many frustrations as to why we can’t let go and move on.

The truth is, the “famous” person, is often well known because he or she has dealt with major challenges and despite the odds overcome them. Of course, not all people who overcome their challenges will be (or even want to be) famous, but these kinds of stories do fascinate us and with social media the way it is, these stories of resiliency can get press time mighty fast.

So I challenge all of us (myself included) to remember this the next time a challenging situation comes our way and do what we can to take the learning and move on. If you want to give this a try here are a few things to keep in mind:

• Challenges, traumas, and bad experiences are opportunities for growth spurts in life. Personal development is on-going, but without problems we’d likely never willingly take them on.
  
• Trying to “save” others from making the same or similar mistakes to what we experienced is not helping them grow, but quite possibly stifling their growth. One of my favorite quotes (although I’m not sure who wrote it) seems very fitting here… “A ship is safe at harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.”
  
• When we can recognize the learning in any experience we have had and focus on it instead of the aggravating emotion that brought it to our awareness (i.e. hurt, resentment, jealousy…), we can reap the benefit of the experience and begin growing. This might mean changing our way of thinking from blaming those involved to actually thanking them for bringing this opportunity into our life.
  
• Although we are all here together and definitely draw strength from our relationships with others, every person’s journey is unique. There is no “one size fits all” answer to any challenge we might be facing. While looking outside of ourselves might give us insight and guidance into directions that will help us, the key to moving forwards will always come from within. In other words, you are the expert in your own life—dig deep and look for the answers that truly resonate for you.

In closing, if you want to really cash in on the personal development opportunities that come your way, accept who you are, embrace life’s challenges as opportunities for personal growth, and let go of any strong, negative emotions you’ve attached to the experience. Sounds simple…but fish hooks aren’t always easy to remove and depending on the number it can take a lot of time, patience and self forgiveness.

Debbie Pokornik is the Chief Empowerment Officer for Empowering NRG and the author of Break Free of Parenting Pressures; Embrace Your Natural Guidance. She believes personal development is key to unlocking life’s little treasures and when people are ready the rewards are great. For more info check out http://www.empoweringnrg.com